THREE LADIES FROM BAGHDAD
One act farce based on an
Arabian Nights tale, more or less
233 Crescent
Road, Burlington, VT 05401
802/660-7906;
ibsen3000@yahoo.com
CAST IN ORDER OF APPEARANCE
SCHAH-RIAR, a sultan
SCHEDHERA-ZADE, the sultan's bride
ZOBEIDE, a lady
AMINA, a lady
ABDUL, head slave
AGIB, an old slave
SAFIE, a lady
PORTER, son of AGIB
GIAFAR, traveler
MESROUR, genie in disguise
BAHMAN, traveler
TWO DOGS(these
actors may double as SSCHAH-RIAR and SCHEDHERA-ZADE)
SETTING
Ancient Baghdad – the luxurious home of ZOEBEIDE, AMINA, and
SAFIE.
PROLOGUE
In front of curtain; SCHAH-RIAR
is reclining on pillows. SCHEHERA-ZADE
feeds him grapes from a bunch she holds.
SCHEHERA-ZADE
Is there anything else I can do to make my
husband
comfortable?
SCHAH-RIAR
No, my bride. I think that was the best wedding banquet I
ever had.
SCHEHERA-ZADE
How many times have you been
married, if I may be so bold as to ask?
SCHAH-RIAR
Hundreds, Schera-zade, hundreds! But none of my wives have
been a lovely as you.
SCHEHERA-ZADE
You are gracious, my king.
SCHAH-RIAR
I know, I know. In fact, you are so lovely, I am almost
tempted to spare your life, but then, I made myself a vow.
SCHEHERA-ZADE
Spare my life?
SCHAH-RIAR
Didn't I mention it before the wedding? I though
sure I did.
SCHEHERA-ZADE
Mention what?
SCHAH-RIAR
You will die in the
morning. All my wives are beheaded after
our wedding night. I thought sure I
mentioned it!
SCHEHERA-ZADE
I would have remembered it.
SCHAH-RIAR
Ah, well.
Now you know.
SCHERA-ZADE continues to
feed him grapes for a moment.
SCHEHERA-ZADE
Pity.
SCHAH-RIAR
What's a pity?
SCHEHERA-ZADE
You know I came without a dowry.
SCHAH-RIAR
I have all the money I need, my little sand
biscuit.
SCHERA-ZADE
I do have a wedding present for you. That is, I did.
SCHAH-RIAR
What are you saying?
SCHERA-ZADE
My inheritance from my mother
was a thousand stories. I had planned to tell you one every night for the next
thousand nights. They are the richest,
most adventurous stories in all Arabia.
And they are only known to me.
SCHAH-RIAR
I like stories. I'll tell you what. Tell me a story tonight, and if I like it,
I'll spare your life. But... you must
tell me a story each night until I know them all. Then
I will cut your head off.
SCHERA-ZADE
Ah, my sultan. At the end of a thousand nights, I will have
thought of something else.
SCHAH-RIAR
We will see, we will see.
He laughs; she laughs with
him. She puts her hands over his ears
and says to the audience.
SCHERA-ZADE(Still laughing):
All men are dogs!
BLACK OUT.
A luxurious Arabian living room. The lights come up; AMINA plays an tune on a
recorder; ZOBEIDE dances.
ZOBEIDE
Our sister is a long time in
the marketplace today.
AMINA
She drives a hard bargain,
Zobeide. Allah save the merchant who
tries to cheat her.
ZOBEIDE
Safie has an eye for swindlers, Amina.
The two women look at each
other and laugh at the private joke.
AMINA
The incense has burned out.
She claps her hands three
times. Three slaves, ABDUL, AGIB and
RASHA, all wearing eye patches, enter quickly and line up downstage, facing the
audience. They come to a halt,
comically, bumping into one another, but maintaining perfect composure. AGIB is
old; he falls asleep standing in line.
ABDUL(The head slave, bowing low on the floor): Most revered mistresses, how may we serve
you?
AMINA
The incense has burned out,
Abdul. And the candles are low. You know
how Safie feels about those things.
Remember the last time you failed her?
The THREE MEN feels their
eyepatches.
ABDUL(To the next slave, an old man):
Agib, (shakes him), Agib! Refill the
candles. And burn some ambergris!
Our mistress will enjoy the aroma after shopping in the filthy market. (AGIB staggers away.)
ZOBEIDE
How about lunch?
ABDUL
Rasha is preparing a feast
fit for a sultan. (To RASHA.) Tell your
mistresses what awaits them.
RASHA(Gets out menu from pocket):
Let's see, (turns it right side up), you got your
grape leaf casserole, fatted lamb stuffed with artichoke dressing, olive spice
loaf, and a hot fudge sundae for dessert.
ZOBEIDE
A what for dessert?
RASHA
A little recipe I picked up during the
Crusades.
ABDUL(Clapping hands):
Enough! (RASHA
exits.) Is there anything else, Your Exaltednesses?
AMINA
That will do. Oh! I hear our sister coming up the walk!
ZOBEIDE
Help Safie, Abdul. She will be laden with
goods from the market.
ABDUL(Under his breath, as he exits):
Lapis lazuli, do I have to
do everything? ZOBEIDE Oh,
Amina, each day is like the one before.
We have no diversions! Safie is
so lucky to be able to-
AMINA
Zobeide!
Do not speak about it!
ZOBEIDE
But, Amina-
AMINA
Sh!
You know the penalty!
ABDUL reenters and stands with
his arms folded.
ABDUL
Her excellency, Mistress Safie, has arrived.
ZOBEIDE
Aren't you going to assist her, Abdul?
ABDUL
She brings a dog from the market.
SAFIE enters majestically,
followed by a PORTER carrying an inhuman amount of goods. He is practically on his knees under the
weight of the baggage.
SAFIE
(Throwing herself down on pillows, exhausted): Ah, sisters! If you only knew the trouble I had
today! The merchants are swine! Thieves!
They should have their tongues plucked out for their lies!
SAFIE swings her arm angrily
as she speaks, the PORTER, standing behind her with all the packages, is
knocked off his feet from her blow.
SAFIE
I asked for a pound of almonds
and do you know what I found?
Stones! Stones mixed in with the
nuts! Ah, men! All dogs!
Dogs, I tell you!
PORTER
Most gracious lady, what would you have me-
SAFIE
I could pluck out their eyes
with no trouble! (With a laugh, feeling the necklace made of eyeballs at her throat.) In
fact, that horrid little merchant made me a nice souvenir this morning-
AGIB enters with candles and
incense. He does obeisance, but has to
be helped up.
AGIB
Most venerable ladies, would
you care for jasmine scented or- (he sees
the PORTER and gasps; he is thunderstruck.)
ABDUL(Pouncing on AGIB):
Dog! You dare to stare like a monkey? (Hits
him with his sword on the head.)
PORTER(Struggling for breath):
Most... exalted... (he collapses under the weight at last.
ZOBEIDE and AMINA get up and look at him, curiously.)
ZOBEIDE
You've brought a dog home, Safie.
ABDUL drags AGIB offstage;
AGIB is pointing at the PORTER and trying to speak.
SAFIE
He was looking for work and
I needed some help, no thanks to either of you.
AMINA
Safie!
How can you say that! You know if only we could-
SAFIE
Yeah, yeah. He begged me for
a position in the house and I took pity on him.
AMINA and
ZOBEIDE
You?
SAFIE
I'm a soft touch, really.
AMINA(To PORTER):
Are you all right?
PORTER(Coming to):
Oh, most beautiful and generous ladies-
ZOBEIDE
You've said all that.
PORTER(Sitting up):
I'm not worthy to touch the
hem of your dress, I should be blinded before I gaze upon your lovely-
ZOBEIDE(Aside to AMINA):
He'd better watch his words.
PORTER
This fair lady (indicating SAFIE), has kindly allowed
me to take employment in your house. I am
your servant, your slave. Whatever your
wishes, I shall fulfill.
SAFIE
Well, you can start by cleaning up that mess
you made.
PORTER
Anything! Anything!
Why, I would clean the streets of camel dung, if it pleases your
graciousness. Charm a basket of snakes
to prove my devotion-
AMINA
Where did you find this guy, Safie?
PORTER
-tempt
the jaws of a tiger, swim the deepest ocean-
Suddenly a gong is
sounded. The PORTER, startled, jumps
into AMINA'S arms.
PORTER
I don't like loud noises.
ABDUL(Entering):
It is three more dogs.
SAFIE
What do they want?
ABDUL
They are looking for lodging to pass the
night.
SAFIE(Laughing):
Tell them to wait.
ABDUL exits. AMINA still holds
the PORTER.
AMINA
You're kind of cute. (He
smiles.)
SAFIE
(Claps her hands once angrily- ABDUL reenters quickly,
Johnny-on-the-spot): Not you! (ABDUL exits.) Unhand my sister!
(She drops him.) Listen to me, Porter. (This
speech is sweet and deadly.) There are rules in this house that must not be
broken. If you touch either of my
sisters, you die. But even more
important to remember, whatever you see here, never to ask questions.
PORTER(Innocently):
But why?
SAFIE
(With fury, brandishing a knife under his chin): NEVER!
PORTER
All right, I get the point.
ZOBEIDE
He who speaks of things that
do not concern him, shall hear things that will not please him.
PORTER
So if I ask questions, you'll throw me out?
AMINA(Taking him aside):
She'll slit your throat.
PORTER
Ah!
SAFIE
Do you understand?
PORTER
I think so. No questions.
And no touching the sisters. So
what's my first duty?
SAFIE
You may take my purchases
into the kitchen. (Claps twice; RASHA appears;
he bows to the floor.) Rasha, help
the porter with the packages. He can
work in the kitchen.
RASHA
Work in the kitchen?
SAFIE
Yes, yes, go along.
RASHA
But...
SAFIE
Yes, yes!
RASHA
I don't like anyone in
there. It's my space. I do things a certain way. This guy's a dog!
PORTER
I won't be in your way.
AMINA
Couldn't he help Agib with the
candle and incense lighting? It's
getting to be too much for him.
PORTER
I like candles!
SAFIE
Oh, very well. As long as he's useful.
Suddenly a gong sounds. The PORTER jumps in RASHA'S arms.
ZOBEIDE
It must be those men at the door again.
ABDUL enters with three
travelers. GIAFAR, MESROUR, and BAHMAN.
GIAFAR
Nice doorbell!
ABDUL throws the three men
down on the floor to do obeisance.
ABDUL
Bow, you dogs!
MESROUR
Most benevolent ladies-
The PORTER, seeing MESROUR,
runs behind RASHA.
SAFIE
On your feet! State your business and make it quick or I'll
make lamps out of your skulls!
RASHA
(Taking
out a pad and paper from his pocket):
So how many for lunch,
then? (ABDUL chases RASHA out of the room, but remains. The PORTER follows, looking over his shoulder
secretly at MESROUR as he goes.)
MESROUR
Please, your
lovlinesses. We are three travelers who
have been robbed in the town by a loathsome pickpocket. We have no money for lodgings, but as I am
the son of a sultan-
ZOBEIDE
Oh,
please!
MESROUR
It is true! My father insisted I wear the costume of a
commoner and travel for a year to understand my subjects. These are my two servants, Giafar and
Bahman. (GIAFAR and BAHMAN bow again.)
ZOBEIDE(To AMINA):
A sultan's son!
AMINA(To ZOBEIDE):
I kind of like the little guy from the market.
SAFIE
Whether you are a sultan's son
or not is of no matter to us. We extend
you our hospitality. But there are
conditions.
MESROUR
Yes, most fair lady.
SAFIE
You must ask no questions
about what you see here. The penalty is
death. Are we agreed?
MESROUR
Sounds reasonable, don't you
think? (GIAFAR and BAHMAN mumble their
agreement.) Flaying alive or beheading?
SAFIE(Insulted):
Beheading, of course! What do you think we are, barbarians?
(She claps twice. RASHA appears, wearing a chef's apron.) Rasha, we have guests. Three more places at dinner, oh, and tell
Agib to light candles in the spare bedchambers.
Where is the porter?
RASHA
He ran into the laundry.
SAFIE
Ah, that's a good spot for
him. There's not a clean veil in the house.
Suddenly two gongs sound.
AMINA
Safie, it's that time. Won't you gentlemen make yourselves
comfortable? (The men settle down on pillows.
RASHA exits. AGIB enters slowly,
sleepily, carrying two sticks. He falls asleep
before he reaches AMINA.) Oh, for crying out loud! (She
takes the sticks from him; he stumbles away.)
SAFIE stands in the middle
of the stage. AMINA hands ZOBEIDE a
stick and the two women begin beating SAFIE mercilessly until they are out of
breath. The men look on astounded. When they finish, they collapse in corners.
RASHA(Enters carrying a tray):
Lunch is served.
SAFIE remains on the floor,
not moving, while RASHA serves everyone.
RASHA(Variously, as he is serving):
Tell me what you think of
the grape leaves, they're pickled in lime juice. Nice complement to the almond sweetcakes. (To himself.) Sweet and sour, now
there's an idea! I might be able to do
something with that!
ZOBEIDE and AMINA eat
greedily.
ZOBEIDE
Rasha, you've outdone yourself again!
AMINA
The lentil loaf is divine. Is that a fig dressing?
ZOBEIDE
Gentlemen!
You're not eating! You don't want
to be rude, do you?
RASHA
The penalty for that is being flayed alive. (RASHA exits.)
The three men start eating
ravenously.
ZOBEIDE(Getting up with AMINA):
Now it's time for our nap,
gentlemen. You'll excuse us? If you need anything, just clap once for
Abdul.
The two ladies exit. SAFIE is still on the floor in the same
position. A pause.
BAHMAN(Looking after them):
Nice pair.
GIAFAR
So, your sultanness, how do you like the
grape leaves?
They are all looking at
SAFIE.
MESROUR
Most... interesting.
BAHMAN
Never saw... I mean, I never tasted
anything... quite like it before.
GIAFAR
I'm curious... (The
other two men give him a wild look of warning.) . ..about the recipe! I'm curious about the recipe!
BAHMAN
I can safely say... that I am
free of curiosity. I couldn't care less
why she was beaten- I mean what is eaten!
I couldn't care less about what we're eating!
MESROUR
There is something going on-
Suddenly a veiled
"lady", actually the PORTER, enters.
He tries to tiptoe past the three men and the unconscious SAFIE.
MESROUR
Fair lady!
(The "lady" startles.)
Are you a servant or a mistress?
PORTER(In a disguised voice):
I'm a servant, your worship. If you'll excuse me, I must-
BAHMAN(To GIAFAR):
Nice toenails!
MESROUR
You have nothing to fear from us! We just want to know-
PORTER
No
questions! Please!
MESROUR
The mistresses told us we
must not ask them anything about what goes on in this house, but they never
said we couldn't question a servant!
BAHMAN(Walks over to PORTER):
Say, you're kind of cute!
Suddenly a gong sounds. The PORTER jumps into BAHMAN'S arms. SAFIE gets up slowly. With a small shriek, the PORTER manages to
get away. Grinning, BAHMAN runs after
him. ABDUL enters.
ABDUL
More dogs, mistress.
SAFIE(Herself again):
Oh, what do they want?
ABDUL
I think they want food, mistress.
SAFIE
Show them in, show them in.
ABDUL brings in two dogs. They come in joyfully, yipping and jumping on
the three men and SAFIE.
ABDUL
Like I said, more dogs.
SAFIE(Tiredly):
Get my sisters, Abdul.
The dogs starts eating out
of the travelers plates, wagging their tails, making deep, growling sounds of
satisfied hunger. ZOBEIDE and AMINA
enter.
SAFIE
Give them your jewels.
AMINA
But-
SAFIE
You know the law!
The three women put their
jewels on the dogs.
MESROUR(Standing up):
That's it! I don't care if you hang our heads on a
spike, I've got to know-
GIAFAR
Speak for yourself!
AMINA
Save yourself while there's still time!
MESROUR
You ladies are completely
nuts! First one of you almost gets
beaten to death and now this! And you
act like it's an everyday occurrence!
ZOBEIDE
It is
an everyday occurrence!
AMINA
Zobeide!
GIAFAR(Aside, to MESROUR):
Maybe we should just slip out while no one's
looking-
SAFIE(To MESROUR):
How dare you enter our home
and insult us like this! We offered you
food and a bed! We made only once
request! That you refrain from questioning
us! You were told the penalty! Abdul!
(She claps her hands twice. Nobody comes.) Abdul!
(She claps her hands again,
twice.)
AMINA
That's the summons for Agib. (AGIB enters sleepily.)
AGIB
It's funny, but I thought I
saw my son here a minute ago. Must have
been dreaming.
Suddenly the PORTER,
shrieking girlishly, comes running on-stage, still dressed as a woman, pursued
by BAHMAN. A gong sounds and he leaps into AGIB's arms. AGIB sinks to the
floor.
PORTER(Astonished):
Father?
AGIB
Cassim?
PORTER
Is it really you, Father, after all these
years?
AGIB
Cassim!
My child! How you've changed!
MESROUR(Looking at his friends):
Might as well go for it. NOW
WHAT'S GOING ON?
SAFIE
That's what I'd like to know!
PORTER(Taking away the veil):
I've been searching for my father these last
ten years!
MESROUR
You!
You're the one that stole my purse in the market!
SAFIE
That's why you wanted a
job! You were running away! You're a thief!
PORTER
(Taking the purse out and throwing it at MESROUR): Take it back, then, what do I care? I found what I'm looking for! I was told my father was a servant in an
enchanted house in Baghdad and to look for a lady in the market who wears a
string of eyeballs on her neck.
EVERYONE
Ewww!
ZOBEIDE(To SAFIE):
I told you that was disgusting!
SAFIE
Every
decent necklace I've ever owned has gone to the dogs!
AMINA(To the men):
Now we must kill you. (Sadly,
she claps her hands once. ABDUL appears. Then twice. Rasha appears.) Abdul, Rasha, it's time to take care of
our guests.
ABDUL(Taking out his huge sword):
Who's first?
SAFIE
Save the eyeballs for me, Abdul, would you?
MESROUR
Wait! Spare the others. It was I that asked the questions.
GIAFAR
Yes, it was he that asked questions!
ZOBEIDE
As if that matters! If it wasn't for Safie, none of us would be
in this predicament!
RASHA
I've really got to get back to my kitchen.
AMINA
No, Zobeide! You know the penalty!
ZOBEIDE
Yes! And I don't care anymore! Anything is better than this! You want to know about us, right? I'll tell you then! A genie bewitched us some years ago. He came to our house posing as a beggar, but
he was really looking for mischief! Oh,
when I think of all the foolishness of our youth!
AMINA
At night, when we thought he
was asleep, Zobeide and I looked through
his bags. We were curious, that's all! Young and stupid!
SAFIE
But the worst was done by
me. I fed him spoiled meat and sour milk
because I didn't want to spend a sequin on the beggar. I treated him worse
than a dog! And now we're all paying for it!
ZOBEIDE
The next day, he cast a
spell on us. Only Safie is allowed to
leave the house to buy food for us. And
before she eats any meal, we must beat her to remind her of her cruelty.
SAFIE
Anyone that comes to our door must be given
alms. Even dogs!
AMINA
Dogs we must treat as
sultans and give them our jewels! But we cannot answer any questions and anyone
who demands to know must die. Oh, the pain of life! Now we will die, too.
GIAFAR
But there must be a way out of this
enchantment!
SAFIE
One day, the genie said, he
would come disguised as a dog. And if we
treated him like a sultan, we would be freed.
Oh, I would do anything to undo the evil I've done! Even in the marketplace, I'd never speak
another harsh word!
MESROUR
Do you
mean that, dear lady?
SAFIE
With
all my heart!
MESROUR
Well, today, the genie has come to your home,
disguised as a dog.
THREE
WOMEN
(Looking at the slovenly dogs):
He has?
MESROUR
It is I! An hour ago, you
still saw even a sultan's son as a dog.
But your heart has finally softened and you are free from the curse.
SAFIE
You mean... it's over? It's finally over?
MESROUR
Live charitably and do not
seek to uncover what best remains hidden.
SAFIE
No problem!
Sisters, are you curious about anything?
ZOBEIDE
and AMINA(Alternately):
Not offhand, nope, can't think of a thing...
etc.
SAFIE
And I don't have to give my jewelry to dogs
anymore?
MESROUR
No.
SAFIE starts to take the
jewelry off a dog. They fight a bit.
MESROUR
This is effective... tomorrow.
SAFIE
Ah. Tomorrow.
Hm. Well. (Reluctantly put a necklace back on the dog.) I kind of like the eyeball necklace, anyway.
RASHA
I can't shake the feeling that I'm forgetting
something.
MESROUR
Gentlemen! (He
snaps his fingers in front of the three eyepatched men and their eyes are
restored. They take off the eyepatches.) You are healed.
AGIB
It's a miracle!
PORTER
Father, can you see?
AGIB
What? Oh, always could. Just wore the eyepatch to fit in.
BAHMAN
Agib, I'd like to ask for your daughter's
hand in marriage.
AGIB
But Cassim is a boy!
BAHMAN
Oh, well.
I suppose I could get used to it.
AMINA
I saw him first! Take your hands off him!
ZOBEIDE
Amina, you were always
greedy! What about me? You going to go off and leave me with Safie?
The DOGS start barking in
all the commotion.
SAFIE
Now don't you start, you mongrels!
MESROUR(Loudly and threateningly):
I feel a spell coming on!
Everybody is immediately
quiet.
MESROUR
Now, if you'll all excuse
me, I have a date with a young man named Aladdin.
SAFIE
I know that scamp, he's the
biggest thief in the marketplace! Him
and that monkey!
RASHA(Still sniffing):
Anybody smell anything?
MESROUR
I take my leave of you.
BAHMAN and AMINA stand on
either side of the PORTER with their arms linked through his. SAFIE and ZOBEIDE are petting the dogs.
MESROUR
I wish you lives of health, happiness, and,
above all, honesty.
MESROUR leaves in a
flourish.
GIAFAR(Calling after him):
Don't forget where you
parked your magic carpet! So, esteemed
hostesses, what's next?
SAFIE
Rasha was serving lunch, weren't you?
RASHA
Oh, I served lunch
already. I was heating up some hot
fudge. (He stops and sniffs. Then
everybody sniffs.) Aaaaah! (RASHA
runs offstage to the burning hot fudge.)
SAFIE
Get the dogs in the kitchen
to lick the floor clean. (BAHMAN
and GIAFAR start to exit to kitchen.) Not you! The dogs!
The dogs!
The lights fade as the dogs
happily bounce offstage with SAFIE.
THE END