RATS, the claim
A play in one-act
MRS. STELLA BLONDIN,
homeowner with water damage
CECILIA FOSTER, an
insurance adjuster
HARVEY PHELPS,
another insurance adjuster
VICTOR BLONDIN,
scientist, Mrs. Blondin’s husband
CAPTAIN CAPTAIN, captain of water remediation company
REMEDIATION CREW
SETTING
Mrs. Blondin’s living room, the present.
A well furnished living room. MRS. STELLA BLONDIN, fiftyish, is on the telephone.
MRS. BLONDIN
It was horrible, Madge. We got home late and I could hear water running
somewhere. At first I thought there must be burglars in the house so I
called the police… Oh, that nice lieutenant came over, he’s so sweet.
He’s the one who found the broken pipe. Victor was completely useless.
Going on and on about his rats. My God, if there’s
one thing rats like it’s water… His laboratory was drenched and the
rest went down into the basement… Of course I called my insurance
company. Two insurance companies! One for the house and one for all
those contraptions Victor has in there… Madge, I don’t have the faintest
idea what he’s up to. If it wasn’t for Baby I’d have left him years ago…
Well, we had to call one of those restoration companies. Naturally, they haven’t shown up yet… Oh, and there’s a… creature in the basement right now banging
around on the pipes. Just let him try and use my bathroom!…
A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
MRS. BLONDIN
Oh, there’s the door. Madge, say a prayer for me. You know how I hate
dealing with people… Yes, I’ll try.
SHE HANGS UP AND GETS
THE DOOR.
CECILIA FOSTER ENTERS.
CECILIA
Mrs. Blondin? I’m Cecilia Foster from-
MRS. BLONDIN
Thank God, you’re here! I was expecting a man! It’s absolutely devastating.
CECILIA
I understand, Mrs. Blondin. Would you like to show me the damage?
MRS. BLONDIN
I’m afraid that’s not possible. My husband is working in his laboratory
and it’s not safe to go in there.
CECILIA
Not safe?
MRS. BLONDIN
The rats are all out of their cages just now.
CECILIA
Rats?
MRS. BLONDIN
He does research. I know it’s appalling. Try living here with them.
Rattling around in their cages half the night. If it wasn’t for my
daughter, why I’d-
KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
MRS. BLONDIN
Oh, dear. I do hate all these people in the house.
She opens the door. Another
Adjuster, HARVEY PHELPS, enters.
HARVEY
Mrs. Blondin? I’m Harvey Phelps from the-
There is instant tension
between the two adjusters.
MRS. BLONDIN
Oh, do come in. (Very sweet.) Did you have any trouble finding
the house? Perhaps some tea? My daughter will be down in
a moment. (Yells.) Baby! Baby!
HARVEY
I’m here about the water damage.
MRS. BLONDIN
Of course, you are.
HARVEY
That is, we insure the laboratory. (He reads.) “Rattus Research”.
MRS. BLONDIN
My husband’s company. He’s in there. But it’s not safe.
CECILIA
The rats are all out of their cages.
HARVEY
Oh, my.
CECILIA
Funny how that happens.
HARVEY
Now, Cecilia-
BABY ENTERS. A large,
loud, immature 35 year old.
MRS. BLONDIN
Oh, Baby. The insurance adjuster is here.
BABY
Mother, I want my breakfast.
MRS. BLONDIN
Of course you do, darling. Mr. Phelps, this is my daughter, Baby.
(whisper)Baby, look… no ring!
HARVEY
How do you do, er, Baby?
BABY
Just call me Poopsie.
MRS. BLONDIN
That’s her nickname.
HARVEY
About that water damage-
MRS. BLONDIN
Can you believe that Baby is thirty-five years old and no one has scooped
her up yet?
BABY
(gestures at CECILIA)
Who’s she?
HARVEY
Miss Foster, may I… see you alone for a moment? It’s customary when,
er, there’s two insurance companies for the adjusters to, er, confer. On
scope and so on. Parameters of the insurance policies. That sort of thing.
BABY
Oh, you’re sexy when you talk like that.
MRS. BLONDIN
Baby, why don’t you go upstairs and really get dressed. Maybe your
green dress?
BABY
Okay, but you’ll have to help me with the buttons!
MRS. BLONDIN
I’ll be right up. (To CECILIA.) You won’t be here… long, will you?
She knocks on her husband’s
door.
Victor! Victor, the insurance people are here. Victor!
He sticks his head out.
VICTOR
Oh, right. I’ll be just a-
He disappears- as if grabbed
suddenly from behind and pulled back.
CECILIA and HARVEY look at
each other.
MRS. BLONDIN
You have no idea.
She exits after BABY. CECILIA
abruptly walks to the other side
of the room. HARVEY looks at her.
HARVEY
Come on, Cece. You can’t stay mad forever.
CECILIA
Mad? I’m not mad. To be mad I would have to care. And I don’t.
HARVEY
You mean you don’t care… at all?
CECILIA
Not a bit.
HARVEY
I see.
CECILIA
Not only, that, I never did care. Just pretended to. Out of
politeness.
HARVEY
Politeness?
CECILIA
I just didn’t want to hurt your feelings. So I was polite.
HARVEY
Well, if that’s the way you feel about it. I was just being
polite, too!
CECILIA
If you had been polite, we wouldn’t be having this conversation!
HARVEY
Cecilia, that woman you saw me with, I was breaking up
with her.
CECILIA
Breaking up with her? We were supposed to be a couple.
HARVEY
I was seeing both of you, and then when I realized how much
I liked you, I tried to break it off with the other girl, but I
didn’t know how.
CECILIA
You mean you’ve been stringing us both along? You really are
a rat, Harvey.
HARVEY
What if you didn’t like me, huh? And I’d broken up with this woman,
huh? Then what?
CECILIA
You’re not only a rat, you’re a cowardly rat!
HARVEY
Yeah, well, you’re going to just have to learn to like that about me!
VICTOR sticks his head out.
VICTOR
Psst! Psst!
HARVEY
Yes, Mr., um-
VICTOR
Have you seen him?
HARVEY
I’m sorry?
VICTOR
One of my specimens. (Behind him.) Stop that! Now, cut it out!
He appears to be beating something.
With great effort, he manages to
get out and shut the door.
Rattus norvegicus. Nasty tribe when they don’t get enough sleep.
Hello, how may I help you?
HARVEY
We’re
here about the water damage. From the
insurance company.
CECILIA
Different insurance companies. I represent your home, and Mr. Phelps
is here to assess the damage to your equipment.
VICTOR
Very kind of you.
A loud crashing sound offstage.
HARVEY
Shall we, er, start in there?
VICTOR
Oh, I wouldn’t just yet. They’re feeding. Normally, they eat at night
but with all this confusion, well…
Vicious feeding noises offstage.
Still, there’s no time like the present, if you’ll just follow me.
CECILIA
Why don’t we start in the basement? Didn’t water go down there?
VICTOR
Oh, quite right.
CECILIA
There’s no mice down there?
VICTOR
Mice? Oh, I haven’t seen a mouse in years. Rats, that’s what
we have.
Offstage- tremendous banging.
Blast it! They’re tunneling again. I should never have taught them
to use tools! I won’t be a moment.
He goes back into his lab-
a terrific commotion then,
dead silence.
Basement door opens. BUDDY
stands there. He is filthy, wearing
overalls and boots. He has a big
sandwich in his hand.
He is played by the same actor who
plays BABY.
He has a tail.
CECILIA
Oh, you startled me!
BUDDY
Just came up to use the facilities.
HARVEY
Kind of wet down there, huh, buddy?
BUDDY
Yah, the water, it went down.
HARVEY
Oh, right. Down.
BUDDY
That’s what water does.
HARVEY
How’s the plumbing?
BUDDY
Like I said, I came up to use the facilities. Don’t mention
you saw me to the old lady. She’s a little (makes crazy
sign), you know.
BUDDY exits through bathroom door.
MRS. BLONDIN enters.
MRS. BLONDIN
(Suspiciously.) I thought I heard voices.
HARVEY
Uh, voices?
MRS. BLONDIN
That creature from the basement isn’t up here is he? Because
I’ll shoot him on sight if he is!
CECILIA(ALARMED)
Mrs. Blondin, why don’t we go down in the basement and see what
is damaged?
A TOILET FLUSHES.
MRS. BLONDIN
Who’s in there?
HARVEY
In where?
A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
MRS. BLONDIN
(TO HARVEY.) Baby will be down in a moment.
She opens the door. CAPTAIN
CAPTAIN enters.
CAPTAIN
Captain Captain from Captain Cleaning, Sir!
Salutes everyone.
I understand we have a stage one major water loss on our hands, rapidly
progressing into a stage 2 or stage 3. We’re here to mitigate, evaporate,
and condensate. (Looks around.) And it won’t be easy.
CECILIA
Um, Captain Captain? The water damage is in the basement and
in the (she reconsiders)… better start in the basement.
CAPTAIN
Standing water, Sir?
CECILIA
No one has inspected yet.
CAPTAIN
Holy smokes! Then there’s not a moment to lose!
CAPTAIN CAPTAIN stands
by the door and blows a
whistle. One by one, fifty
technicians march in, each
carrying a piece of equipment.
*Five
to eight actors merely
looping
on and off and on again
can
give the impression of
a great number.
CAPTAIN CAPTAIN marches
in place, continuing to blow the
whistle.
CECILIA
I only pay for three days drying!
MRS. BLONDIN goes to the
bathroom door and opens it.
BUDDY is standing there
grinning. SHE SCREAMS,
HE SCREAMS, she slams the
door.
CECILIA
Mrs. Blondin, please don’t upset yourself.
MRS. BLONDIN
But that creature…
CECILIA
A little Fantastik and Lysol spray and the bathroom will be good as new.
MRS. BLONDIN
It’s a monstrosity! I want him out of the house!
HARVEY
Mrs. Blondin, you’d better calm down. Here, over on the couch-
MRS. BLONDIN
God help us all!
BABY enters in all her finery.
BABY
Oh, Mr. Phelps. I think the humidity from this water damage
is affecting my complexion. What do you think?
HARVEY
Baby. Your mother seems very upset. Perhaps you can get her
upstairs.
BABY
Oh, Mother, for crying out loud. What now?
MRS. BLONDIN
Baby! That monster is in the bathroom!
BABY
I thought we shot him last week.
CECILIA
This is ridiculous.
She walks over to the bathroom
door and opens it slightly. BUDDY BURPS.
She slams it shut.
I am not paid enough for this!
HARVEY
Cecilia – Miss Foster – wait outside. I’m going into that laboratory.
BABY
He’s so brave!
HARVEY
Someone has to. It might as well be me.
BABY
Mother, stop him! Daddy will put him in the-
MRS. BLONDIN puts her hand
over BABY’S mouth.
MRS. BLONDIN
Mr. Phelps. Why don’t you consider coming back, say, at dinner time
when things are a little quieter? Baby makes a great tuna wiggle.
HARVEY
I’m going in that lab. And I’m not coming out until I have some
answers.
MRS. BLONDIN
You’re really going in there?
BABY
You insist?
HARVEY
I do.
MRS. BLONDIN and BABY
look at each other a moment and
then run like hell.
CECILIA
Harvey! You’re really going to do this?
HARVEY
Cecilia- I have to.
As he turns to go, VICTOR emerges,
clothes torn, exhausted. He opens the
bathroom door. No one is in there. He goes in.
A moment later the toilet flushes.
He comes out.
VICTOR
Well, I think I’ve got them quieted down at last.
VICTOR sits on the couch
and picks up a magazine.
HARVEY and CECILIA
sit on either side of him.
VICTOR
Oh, hello. Where’s my wife?
HARVEY
Upstairs.
VICTOR
Oh, you’re from the insurance company! How do you do, I’m
Victor Blondin. I’m afraid my wife’s upstairs.
HARVEY
I’d like to see your lab.
VICTOR
Oh, that wouldn’t be advisable.
CECILIA
Where is he?
VICTOR
Sorry?
CECILIA
The plumber.
VICTOR
I’m afraid I don’t understand.
HARVEY
The plumber was in the bathroom. We saw him go in. And
we didn’t see him come out. And then you went in.
VICTOR
What the devil is the plumber doing here?
CECILIA
Fixing the water!
VICTOR
Oh, I fixed it last night. So there’s no need for a plumber.
CECILIA
You were just in there and you didn’t see him?
VICTOR
Oh, you must mean Buddy. Just a minute.
VICTOR goes over to the
bathroom door and opens it.
He looks inside, then up at the
bathroom ceiling.
VICTOR
I should have suspected it, but in all the confusion this morning I didn’t
realize he was missing.
HARVEY
What are you talking about?
VICTOR
They tunnel, you know. Great escape artists. Look here-
He indicates the bathroom
ceiling.
See here’s the problem. Rats’ diets increase when the water
supply increases. The more water that’s available, the more
hungry they become. They’ve been known to double or even
triple in size in a matter of hours.
CECILIA
Mr. Blondin, we’re not talking about a rat, we’re talking about a plumber.
VICTOR
What did he look like?
CECILIA
Why, he… he was bald-
VICTOR
Hairless, yes, yes, a mutation sometimes…
CECILIA
And about six foot three-
VICTOR
Great Scott, he must really be feeding. Fascinating.
HARVEY
Rats don’t talk!
VICTOR
Not unless provoked.
CECILIA
What kind of rat is he?
VICTOR
Norweigan, of course. They’re the most intelligent.
Also known as the brown rat, house rat, barn rat,
sewer rat, wharf rat or gray rat. His name is Buddy.
CECILIA
He seems friendly enough
HARVEY
But he looks like a plumber!
VICTOR
Both species have an affinity for water, you know. The confusion
is understandable. We’ll have to catch him.
CAPTAIN CAPTAIN comes
in from the basement.
CAPTAIN CAPTAIN
Emergency water mitigation underway, Sir! Request permission
to inspect other areas.
HARVEY
Um, probably that’s all for today. Miss Foster and I have some, uh,
preliminary work to do first.
CAPTAIN CAPTAIN
Chance of mold amplification increases exponentially with delay, Sir!
HARVEY
We’ll move some equipment from downstairs if necessary, Captain.
CAPTAIN CAPTAIN
You are not certified, no disrespect, Sir!
HARVEY
No, but after today I’ll be certifiable.
CAPTAIN’S pager goes off.
CAPTAIN CAPTAIN
That’s Western Insurance. Town of Middlesex under water.
Request permission to evacuate, Sir!
HARVEY
Permission granted.
CAPTAIN CAPTAIN blows
whistle. CREW emerges in
formation. They now have tails.
CECILIA
Did you see what I saw?
VICTOR
Extraordinary! How did all those people fit in that little room offstage?
HARVEY
No! They all had tails! I’m almost sure they didn’t have tails when
they went in.
CECILIA
I would have noticed if they’d had tails attached to their- Mr. Blondin!
What leaked inside your laboratory?
VICTOR
Nothing much, just the coolant system.
HARVEY
Coolant system for what?
VICTOR
Just the (mumble.)
BABY rushes in.
BABY
Daddy! Something’s happened to Mother! She’s, well, she
doesn’t look like herself!
VICTOR
Good God, what now?
BABY
Well, she wanted a cool cloth on her head and I grabbed the
first one I saw.
VICTOR
You didn’t use one of the rags I soaked up in the laboratory, did you?
BABY
Y-e-e-e-e-e-e-s!
BABY wails.
HARVEY
Mr. Blondin, you’ve got to tell me what’s going on!
VICTOR
All right. The coolant system leaked from the-
MRS. BLONDIN
(screams offstage)
It’s the creature!
VICTOR
Baby, quick. Start making lunch. The smell of food will bring
him downstairs.
BABY runs offstage.
All right. I’ll tell you. It’s the coolant system from the (pause)
cellular transfer machine.
HARVEY
I don’t even want to ask.
VICTOR
Did you ever see a movie called, “The Fly?”
CECILIA
I loved that movie!
VICTOR
The first one or the one with Jeff Goldblum?
HARVEY
Mr. Blondin, this is outrageous!
VICTOR
Of course it’s outrageous, it’s science!
HARVEY
You mean to tell me you mixed a rat with a human being?
VICTOR
Well, the first time it was an accident. But then I realized
how much fun it was!
CECILIA
What- what happens?
VICTOR
Oh, nothing happens to the human. But, boy, the
rats sure change!
CECILIA
In what way?
VICTOR
Well, for one they watch a lot of television.
HARVEY
So here’s the question… Is Buddy a plumber or a rat?
VICTOR
Oh, he’s a rat. He just acts like a plumber.
HARVEY
Now I’m getting a headache.
VICTOR
There was a plumber here after my first water damage. Came over to
work in the kitchen and nosed around when I wasn’t here. Went for
a ride in the transfer machine. Buddy had gotten out of his cage- he
was just a little fellow then – and sneaked in there with him.
CECILIA
What happened to him?
VICTOR
Oh, he’s still plumbing as far as I know.
HARVEY
Does he look like a rat now?
VICTOR
Not too bad. But you should see his wife!
HARVEY
We’ve got to destroy this machine!
VICTOR
We do?
HARVEY
You can’t mix rats and people. It’s against the law.
VICTOR bars the door.
VICTOR
Buddy! Buddy, come quick.
BUDDY enters. He is wearing
BABY’S clothes by mistake.
BUDDY
What’s wrong, Boss?
VICTOR
You’re wearing Baby’s clothes!
BUDDY(looks at himself)
This is- a fact!
BUDDY takes off the wig.
and throws it in the offstage.
HARVEY
I’ll fight both of you if I have to!
VICTOR
Fight? No one said anything about fighting. Buddy, give me the
keys to the transfer machine.
BUDDY
You sure, Boss?
VICTOR
I’m afraid so.
VICTOR opens the door. Gestures
to HARVEY and CECILIA.
After you.
They go in the lab. MRS. BLONDIN
enters with towel to her head. She
appears faint. She has rat ears now.
She goes to the couch.
MRS. BLONDIN
Oh, Baby, what a terrible shock. That creature must be
exterminated. How does your father ever expect you to
have a normal life this way? Come over here and massage
my shoulders, I am so tense.
BUDDY goes over, nervously.
He begins to massage her
shoulders.
Obviously, we’re going to have to take things into our own hands.
I’ve purchased a quart of rat poison and I think if we mix it in
some leftovers and put it all over the house, we’ll get him.
Oh, I can’t wait to watch him dry up and die a horrible,
excruciating death!
BUDDY makes as if to choke
MRS. BLONDIN.
VICTOR, HARVEY and CECILIA
reenter.
BUDDY exits quietly.
HARVEY(LAUGHING)
This is not your first water damage claim. How many insurance
adjusters have you gotten in that machine?
VICTOR
Well, as a rule they tend to be curious folks, so when I suggest
they go for a little ride…
CECILIA
And you sneak a rat inside every time?
VICTOR
Think of it as a kind of… autograph book.
The door opens. CAPTAIN
CAPTAIN enters.
CAPTAIN CAPTAIN
Middlesex mitigation complete. Permission to enter other
affected areas, Sir!
She blows her whistle and the
CREW files into the lab.
BUDDY enters, pretending
to be BABY.
*Note: This can be accomplished
by BUDDY wearing BABY’S
dress over his overalls, etc.
BUDDY/BABY
Lunch is served!
He winks at HARVEY.
Tuna wiggle!
CECILIA
I think we’ll pass. We’ll be in touch with our report.
MRS. BLONDIN
Mr. Phelps, you must come back at a better time. Baby,
darling, help me to the dining room. I’m not sure how
much I can eat.
BUDDY
Don’t worry, Mother. I’ve got something very special
just for you!
BUDDY conceals a box
of rat poison behind his back.
VICTOR, BUDDY and
MRS. BLONDIN exit.
HARVEY and CECILIA
watch them go.
HARVEY
You know the worst part? These are not the strangest
homeowners I’ve ever met.
CECILIA
Harvey Phelps. You are a still a dirty rat. And if you ever go out
with another woman, I’ll drown you like one.
HARVEY
And I’ll love every minute of it.
CECILIA
You don’t suppose there will be any effect do you? I mean,
just from being in that room?
HARVEY
Well, I do have an uncontrollable urge to gnaw.
CECILIA
Cut it out, Harvey Phelps!
BLACK OUT. THE END.