POWER OF ATTORNEY

a comedy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Maura Campbell

233 Crescent Road, Burlington, VT  05401

802/660-7906; ibsen3000@yahoo.com

CAST

Karen Robinson, a thirty-year old lawyer

 

Mary Bushey, a forty-year old housewife

 

George Bushey, a forty-five year old mayor, husband of Mary

 

Martin Snodgrass, a fifty-year old principal at a law firm.

 

Joey Sanchez, a twenty-eight year old legal secretary posing as a lawyer

 

Jim Black, an auditor

 

Sam Steffans, Journalist  - Johnny, Bartender

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ACT 1, SCENE 1

                                                           

REPORTER(VOICE OVER)

Good morning.  This is Front Page News.  I’m Sam Steffans.  Mayor Bushey debates the issues at noon today against opponent  Neil Silverstone.  Mr. Silverstone  seems little threat to Mayor Bushey’s record and well financed reelection campaign, however word has leaked that there may be some surprises.  More later. 

 

Unemployment is lower than it has been for fifteen years, according to sources at the State Department…

 

His voice fades.

 

 

SCENE 2

 

Karen sits at her desk working on papers.  She looks at her watch.  She works another moment and then picks up the phone.  Before she can dial, an auditor, JIM BLACK enters.  He looks surprised when he sees KAREN.

 

KAREN  

Mayor Bushey?

 

JIM 

What?

 

KAREN 

I’m expecting the Mayor.

 

JIM 

Oh, I’m not the Mayor. 

 

KAREN 

Can I help you?

 

JIM 

I’m looking for Mr. Snodgrass’ office. 

 

KAREN 

This used to be his office.  Now he’s down the hall.

 

JIM  

Which one?

 

KAREN  

Third on the right.  I’m sorry, who are you?

 

JIM 

Oh, Jim Black.  Outside auditor.

 

KAREN 

I didn’t know we were being audited.

 

JIM 

Last minute.  Routine, you know.  So it’s the third door on the right-

 

He looks around with quiet interest.  She points down a “hall.”

 

KAREN 

Just before the bathroom.

 

JIM(Suddenly)

You’re Karen Robinson.

 

KAREN 

That’s what the sign on the door says.

 

JIM 

I knew your father.

 

KAREN 

Oh.

 

JIM 

Good accountant.  Always kept the records shipshape.

 

KAREN 

If you’ll excuse me, I have a meeting.

 

JIM 

Sorry to trouble you.  

 

KAREN 

No trouble.

 

KAREN looks after him a moment, then shrugs her shoulders and picks up the phone and dials.

 

KAREN 

Hi, it’s me…  Did you find your briefcase?… I’m sorry, I ran out like that, but I had this early appointment and he hasn’t even shown up…  He was supposed to be here an hour ago…  I could have stayed in bed with you …  Listen, I’ll never make it for lunch…  All right… see you tonight…  Love you, too.

 

She works for another moment.  A knock at the door.  MARY and JOEY enter.  MARY is an expensively dressed woman who has had a bad night; mascara runs down her cheeks, one shoe heel is broken and missing; her suit is badly wrinkled.  JOEY is pert, cute and professional looking, more, though, a working girl in a man’s world than a competitor.

 

KAREN 

Please, come in.  Miss Sanchez?

 

JOEY 

Call me Joey.  This is Mrs. Bushey, my client.

 

MARY 

Well, if it isn’t the other woman.

 

KAREN 

How do you do?  Won’t you have a seat-

 

MARY 

Call me Mary.  Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does my garden grow?

 

KAREN 

Yes, well…

MARY 

Just pile on the manure and it’ll grow quite nicely.

 

JOEY 

Mrs. Bushey has been under a great deal of stress lately.

 

KAREN 

So it would seem.  Should we schedule this meeting for another time?

 

MARY 

What?  Oh, hell.  (She takes out a cigarette.)  No time like the present.  George has seen me look worse.  Got a light?

 

KAREN 

Um, I’m afraid there’s no smoking.

 

MARY 

What do you mean, no smoking?

 

KAREN 

It’s a rule.

 

MARY 

Rule?  You expect me to follow a rule?  (She starts to laugh.)  Listen, honey, I’ve got a secret for you.  There are no rules.  Get it?  Life’s a goddamned free for all.  This idea of rules was made up by someone who just couldn’t make the grade, couldn’t hack it.  You get yours, if you’re good enough, and I’ll get mine.  So give me a goddamned light!

 

KAREN 

Well, I don’t have a match.

 

MARY 

Well, that’s different.  (She puts away her cigarette.)  So where’s the old man?  Where’s God’s gift to pantyhose?

 

KAREN 

Mayor Bushey was supposed to be here an hour ago, but-

 

JOEY 

Who?

 

KAREN 

My client.  Mayor Bushey.

 

JOEY(To MARY)

Your husband is Mayor Bushey?

 

MARY 

Didn’t I mention that?

 

A knock at the door.  KAREN goes to answer it.

 

JOEY 

Oh, my God.

 

MARY 

Hold on to your garter belt, honey. 

 

KAREN enters with GEORGE BUSHEY.

 

GEORGE

Good morning, ladies.  (He looks at the three of them, then points to JOEY.  JOEY has turned away and puts on glasses)  You’re Karen Robinson.

 

KAREN 

Wrong.

 

MARY 

Oh, please, George.

 

KAREN 

Mayor Bushey, this is Joey Sanchez.  Of course, you know your wife.

 

GEORGE 

Joey.  Cute name for a cute girl.  Say, haven’t I seen you somewhere?  Maybe Johnny’s?

 

JOEY 

Um, I don’t think so.

 

GEORGE 

I know I’ve seen you somewhere.  I never forget a face.  Part of being a politician, you know.

 

JOEY 

I meet a lot of people.

 

GEORGE 

I’ll figure it out.  I always do. Besides, I wouldn’t forget a girl like you.

 

MARY 

Careful, Joey.  I can hear a snake hissing.

 

GEORGE 

Oh, there you are, Mary.  I thought you’d still be in jail.  It doesn’t look like you’ve even had a chance to go home and change.  I hear the food’s not very good.  Karen, do you think we could send out for some Danish?  I’m sure my wife would like something to eat.

 

KAREN 

Mayor Bushey, the purpose of this meeting is to try and establish some agreement about the division of marital property-

 

MARY 

Oh, does my husband say he owns anything?

 

KAREN 

We haven’t actually had a chance yet to-

 

GEORGE 

The laws in this state decree that property is divided fifty-fifty-

 

KAREN 

Let’s just sit down, shall we?   

 

MARY 

What I brought into the marriage, I intend to take out!

 

GEORGE 

You married a lawyer, remember?  There was no prenuptial agreement.

 

JOEY 

Why don’t we start by making a list of assets-

 

GEORGE 

Ask her about the gold chain the store detective found in her pocket-

 

MARY 

I intended to pay for it!  Thanks a lot for coming down to the station last night!

 

KAREN 

Maybe some coffee.  Does anyone want coffee?

 

JOEY 

I’d love some-

 

KAREN 

Mr. and Mrs. Bushey?

 

MARY 

God, don’t call me that!

 

KAREN 

I’ll just step out then. 

 

She exits quickly, a look to JOEY of commiseration.

 

GEORGE 

I needed my beauty sleep.  Besides, you were the one that walked out on me.

 

JOEY 

Mrs. Bushey mentioned a house downtown and a camp at the lake-

 

MARY 

Did you hire your lawyer before or after you slept with her?

 

JOEY 

What’s that?

 

GEORGE 

What? 

 

MARY 

Oh, come on, George!

 

GEORGE 

You’re ruining my reelection campaign with these shenanigans. Christ, shoplifting!

 

JOEY

(Clearly uncomfortable, looking away from GEORGE)

Those charges will be dropped by noon today, Mayor.  It was all a misunderstanding.

 

GEORGE 

Misunderstanding?  Where did you find this lawyer, anyway? 

 

MARY 

Funny you should ask.  Not a single well known law firm in the city would take my calls.  Know anything about that?

 

GEORGE 

I have friends, Mary.

 

KAREN reenters.

 

KAREN 

One lump or two?

 

MARY 

I can’t believe I’m being humiliated in this way.

 

GEORGE 

And I can’t believe you’d ever sink so low.  God!  And right before the election!

 

KAREN 

I think this meeting is a little premature.  Joey, I don’t know about you, but I haven’t even had a chance to talk to my client. 

 

MARY 

In the daylight, you mean.

 

GEORGE 

You must still be drunk.

 

KAREN 

Now listen, Mr. and Mrs. Bushey…

 

 

MARY 

I told you not to call me that 

 

KAREN 

I said, LISTEN!  (She composes herself.)  My law firm charges two hundred and fifty dollars an hour-

 

JOEY 

Wow.

 

KAREN

-and I am perfectly happy to sit and listen to you cut each other to shreds, if that’s what you want to do.  Frankly, if I was in your shoes I’d want a little more for my money.  One way or another you two are going to be divorced.  You can either give all your money to lawyers, or cooperate with each other and keep most of it for yourselves.  I’d like you both to think about that.

 

JOEY 

Thank you, Karen.

 

KAREN 

Have I made myself clear?

 

GEORGE 

Perfectly.

 

JOEY 

Mrs. Bushey and I have already prepared a financial statement.  And we’ve determined what we believe is a fair settlement.  I’ll leave these papers with you and Mayor Bushey.

 

JOEY and MARY get up to leave.

 

MARY(Embracing GEORGE) 

George, darling, why don’t we try and get along?  You look so cute when you’re mad.

 

GEORGE 

And you look perfectly horrid.

 

MARY 

We’ll just leave things between lawyers, then, shall we?  See you on the six o’clock news. 

 

GEORGE 

What?  What are you taking about?  (MARY exits. To JOEY.)  If you two think you’re going to smear my name before the elections-

 

KAREN 

I’m sure Miss Sanchez doesn’t have anything planned that you don’t deserve.

 

GEORGE 

Because if you do, you’ll be sorry.  I’m a powerful man, Miss Sanchez.  And I think you’re playing a little bit out of your league.  (He looks her up and down.)  I’ve seen your kind before.  Little girl playing a big boy’s game.

 

JOEY 

I might be a girl, but I’ve seen your so-called big boy’s game and it doesn’t impress me.

 

GEORGE 

You haven’t seen everything I’ve got.

 

JOEY(Exiting)

Oh, yes I have.

 

A knock at the door.  KAREN opens it.  JIM BLACK enters. JOEY tries to disappear.

 

JIM 

Excuse me, oh, you’re still in a meeting.

 

GEORGE 

Have you got a bathroom?

KAREN(Pointing stage left)

Through there.  (To JIM.)  It’s just breaking up.

 

JIM 

Martin said you have the Stiller portfolio.  I need to take a look at it.

 

 

KAREN(Getting it)

Oh, sure.  But it’s in Martin’s computer.

 

JIM 

I’m afraid I need the physical file. (He sees JOEY.)  Why, hello.

 

JOEY(Standoffish)

Hello, Jim.

 

JIM

I’ve been trying to get in touch with you.  Haven’t you got my messages? Where have you been?

 

JOEY 

I’ve been busy.

 

KAREN hands him the file.  JIM looks at KAREN anxiously; she finds something to do at her desk.

 

JIM 

But I’ve been calling and calling.  I was hoping we could have lunch again.  I’m so sorry about what happened.

 

JOEY 

I’m used to it.

 

JIM 

But I must have had the time wrong, are you free later?

 

JOEY 

You stood me up!  I waited for two hours!

 

JIM 

But it was an accident!  I was at Gringo’s waiting for you!

 

JOEY 

Sure.

 

JIM 

Please, give me another chance.  Say, Johnny’s?

 

JOEY 

Why should I?

JIM 

Please?

 

GEORGE reenters.

 

JOEY(Anxious to get rid of him)

Johnny’s at one o’clock.

 

JIM kisses her hand.

 

JIM 

I shall look forward to  it.  (He looks at the others.)  She sings like a bird, you know.  Have you ever heard her?

 

KAREN 

No, I can’t say that I have.

 

JIM 

Exquisite voice.  Contralto.  (He exits with a jaunty step.)

 

KAREN(Amused)

Well, well.  A contralto.

 

JOEY 

I sing around the office.  I guess I’m happy.

 

KAREN 

Hard to be happy with an auditor around.

 

JOEY 

Yes.  Well.

 

KAREN 

I’ll call you later in the week.

 

JOEY 

Oh.  Why don’t I call you.  I’m, uh, going to be hard to reach.  My secretary is, uh, on vacation.

 

KAREN 

And there’s those lunch dates.

 

JOEY 

Yes, well.  (She exits.) 

 

GEORGE 

You were great!

 

KAREN 

Great?

 

GEORGE 

You took control.  I like that.  Especially in a woman.  I had you pegged differently.  Yesirree, Martin told me you were smart.  Second in your class at Yale, was it?  I graduated from Yale, too, but a little further down the line. 

 

KAREN 

Yale Law?

 

GEORGE 

Seventh.

 

KAREN 

Not bad for a man.

 

GEORGE 

I thought it would help my case to work with a female.

 

KAREN 

Female?

 

GEORGE 

I’d like you to find out what that lawyer and my wife have planned.  I don’t like the sounds of it.

 

KAREN 

I think your wife is just trying to make you nervous.

 

GEORGE 

Nervous?  I’m not nervous.  Terrified, maybe, but not nervous.  She’s… she’s got this overworked imagination.  She creates dramas, you know the type? 

 

KAREN 

What do you mean?

 

GEORGE 

God, I don’t know, just everything… Like this shoplifting thing.  It’s all a wild game to her.

 

KAREN 

Gee, she sounds sad.

 

GEORGE 

You can’t believe anything she says.  I mean, it gets a bit old.

 

KAREN 

And she sounds frustrated.

 

GEORGE 

Frustrated?  She’s having the time of her life.

 

KAREN 

Mayor Bushey-

GEORGE 

Call me George.

 

KAREN 

George.  George, do you remember how you felt when you two got married?

 

GEORGE 

What?  Oh, that was so long ago.

 

KAREN 

Was she always like this?

 

GEORGE 

Yeah, only… it was kind of fun.  Funny.  (Quiet now.)  She used to make me laugh a lot.

 

KAREN 

I see.

 

GEORGE 

What do you care, anyway?

 

KAREN 

I just think its important in a divorce to remember that your spouse wasn’t always your enemy.   Things change.  They can always change again.

 

GEORGE 

The most important thing to me right now is winning the election in two months.  Now, here’s the strategy.  Mary’s been arrested for shoplifting.  The news station has already got wind of it.  At noon they’re televising my reelection debate and they’re going to follow it up with a report about Mary’s arrest.  So, I want you to prepare a statement that hints about the pressure I’ve been under and so on with my wife’s illness.

 

KAREN 

What illness?

 

GEORGE 

The thing to do is just hint.  Instead of making me look ridiculous, it’ll help me gain sympathy.  Then when I get her committed-

 

KAREN 

Committed? 

 

GEORGE 

She’s crazy.  Crazy as a jaybird. 

 

KAREN 

She seems a little eccentric, but I would hardly call her crazy.

 

GEORGE 

You don’t know my wife.

 

KAREN 

How long have you two been separated? 

 

GEORGE 

Four weeks.  I came home one night and she was hysterical.  Right off the wall.  Claimed I’d been cheating on her-

 

KAREN 

Have you?

 

GEORGE 

No.  It’s like I told you, she creates these dramas-

 

KAREN 

She must have some reason to suspect it. 

 

GEORGE

I’m running the city.  When would I have time to have an affair?

 

KAREN 

Busier people have worked it in.

 

GEORGE 

Well, not me.  Never. 

 

KAREN 

Look, I don’t want any surprises.  The worst thing for a lawyer/client relationship is secrets.

 

GEORGE 

My life is an open book.

 

KAREN 

Promise?

GEORGE 

Promise.

 

KAREN 

Who’s Stephanie Dwyer?

 

GEORGE 

Who?

 

KAREN 

Stephanie Dwyer.

 

GEORGE 

Never heard of her.

 

KAREN 

I see.

 

She starts putting her things in her briefcase.

 

GEORGE 

What are you doing?

 

KAREN 

This meeting is over.

 

GEORGE 

What are you talking about?

 

KAREN 

If you’re not going to tell the truth then how am I supposed to trust you on anything else?

 

GEORGE 

What?  Wait a minute, yes.  I do know someone named Stephanie.  She… she was a paralegal or something-

 

KAREN 

Legal secretary.

 

GEORGE 

I gave her a ride home one night after a reception.  How do you know about it?  No one knows about it.

 

KAREN 

She organized the entertainment and then drove you because you were bombed.

 

GEORGE 

How do you know all this?

 

KAREN 

For God’s sake, George, every lawyer in the city was there that night.  They’re still talking about it.

 

GEORGE 

People talk about me?

 

KAREN 

Would you cut it out?

 

GEORGE 

All right.  Four years ago I had a one night stand.  Mary found out about it.  But not since.  I swear.  God, I don’t even remember what she looks like.  I’d had a little, you know, too much to drink.

 

KAREN 

Bombed, I heard bombed.

 

GEORGE 

Why do we have to go through this?  It’s ancient history.

 

KAREN 

Joey Sanchez may subpoena her.  We’ve got to be prepared.  How did Mary find out?

 

GEORGE 

She left her business card.  In my bed.  Mary found it.

 

KAREN

Nice touch.

 

GEORGE 

Mary’s the problem, not me.  Hell, she’s an out of control alcoholic.  I’ve been trying to get her to quit drinking for months. And now with this shoplifting thing, we should be able to put her away.

 

KAREN 

Look, when Martin gave me this case, I knew it would be difficult because you’re a… public figure.  But I will not take part in any character assassination. 

 

GEORGE 

Martin and I have this all worked out.

           

KAREN 

I’m sure if Martin understood what you have planned for your wife-

 

GEORGE 

He does know.  He’s her brother.

 

KAREN 

What?

 

GEORGE 

Martin said you would handle my case exclusively.  Put everything else on hold.  I want to give you a little extra.  Expenses and so forth.

 

KAREN 

The firm handles my expenses.

                                   

 

GEORGE 

Just in case anything comes up.

 

GEORGE hands her a check.

 

KAREN 

Comes up?

 

GEORGE 

I may need some special services.

 

She looks at the check.

 

GEORGE 

Martin said you would be perfect.  I’m counting on it.

 

KAREN 

The law firm pays my salary, Mayor Bushey.

 

                                                            She hands back the check – a little

                                                            reluctantly.

 

GEORGE

An honest lawyer.  What do you know.

 

                                                            He puts the check away.

 

What the-  My wallet’s gone.  God damn it, my wallet… Mary!  Mary lifted it when she… Do you see what I mean?  Do you see what I mean about her?

 

KAREN 

She really took your wallet?

 

GEORGE 

It’s her idea of a good time.

 

KAREN 

Whoa!

GEORGE 

What are you doing for lunch later?

 

KAREN 

Lunch?

 

GEORGE 

You do eat… don’t you?

 

KAREN 

I’m busy for lunch.

 

GEORGE 

Dinner?

 

KAREN 

I have plans.

 

GEORGE

  We’re going to be very good friends.

 

A knock at the door.  MARTIN enters.  He is agitated, trying to act cool.  GEORGE and KAREN are looking at each other.

 

MARTIN 

George, how’s it going?

 

GEORGE 

As well as can be expected. 

 

MARTIN 

What do you think of her?  Huh?  Is she as good as I said she would be?

 

 

GEORGE 

Better.  How’d you happen to hire such a pretty lawyer?

 

MARTIN 

I knew her father.  How is he, Karen?  I haven’t heard you mention him lately.

 

KAREN 

He’s in a nursing home.  Alzheimer’s.

 

 

MARTIN 

Well, then.  Mary here?  I’ve got some papers I need her to sign.

 

GEORGE 

What papers?

 

KAREN 

She left a few minutes ago.

 

 

MARTIN 

I thought you said the meeting was at ten.

 

KAREN 

No, it was nine-thirty and it didn’t last long-

 

MARTIN 

Jesus!

 

GEORGE 

Something wrong?

 

MARTIN 

I’ve got to see Mary.

 

KAREN 

Well, she’s probably in her car.  I think she was going back to her lawyer’s office.  I’ve got the number-  (She gets up to look it up.)

 

MARTIN

(Recovering) 

I was hoping to catch her. 

 

KAREN 

Oh, there was an auditor to see you-

 

GEORGE 

Something the matter, Martin?

 

MARTIN 

No, just something I’ve been putting off.

 

KAREN 

I’ve got the number, but  she can’t possibly be there yet.  She and Joey just left.

 

MARTIN 

Her lawyer’s name is Joey?

 

KAREN 

Joey Sanchez, why?

 

MARTIN 

Joey Sanchez? 

GEORGE 

What about Joey?

 

MARTIN 

But that’s impossible.  Joey Sanchez is in, um, it couldn’t be Joey

Sanchez.

 

KAREN 

Well, it is, unless there are two Joey Sanchez’.  Lawyer on 12th street, is that the one you mean? 

 

MARTIN 

Yeah, but… Jesus, you should have called me the minute that old bastard walked in.

 

KAREN 

Joey’s an old bastard?

 

MARTIN 

Do me a favor and call the office… Never mind, I’ll do it myself.  You said Mary was going back there with Joey?

 

KAREN

I… I think so… I mean, I didn’t exactly ask them, but I assumed… Wait, a minute.  Joey is meeting that auditor at Johnny’s for lunch.  One o’clock.

 

MARTIN 

What are you talking about?

 

KAREN  

That auditor… what’s his name. 

 

 

MARTIN 

Jim Black.

 

KAREN 

Jim Black.  He was in here a minute ago.  They made a date for lunch.  Just ask that auditor to tell Joey-

 

MARTIN 

Holy shit! 

 

GEORGE 

Look, I’ve got to get ready for my debate in a couple of hours.  What’s this all about, Martin?

 

KAREN 

That auditor,  Jim. Black. He appears to have a crush on Joey.

 

MARTIN 

What?

KAREN 

He practically danced out of here. 

 

MARTIN 

What makes you think he has a crush on Sanchez?

 

GEORGE 

Said that Joey had a nice voice.

 

MARTIN 

Nice voice?

 

GEORGE 

Nice singing voice.  Said Joey sang.

 

MARTIN 

That bastard Sanchez!

 

GEORGE 

Martin, what’s going on?

 

MARTIN

(A bit composed)

Nothing, it’s just that… I handle Mary’s portfolio, you know?  And I’ve got a tip on some stock, but I have to move by noon.

 

GEORGE 

But, what-

 

MARTIN

You just get ready for your debate, George, like a good boy. 

 

GEORGE 

Jeez, Martin, you make it sound like a national emergency.

 

MARTIN 

It’s a good tip, George.

 

KAREN 

The Mayor says that Mary is your sister.

 

GEORGE 

Martin thought it would be a good idea.

 

KAREN 

I think the whole thing’s sick! 

 

MARTIN 

We’re a close family, Karen.  Don’t worry about it.  Hey, this way we know where the money’s going.  Anyway, (he pats GEORGE on the shoulder), we’re hoping they work this thing out.

 

GEORGE 

Yes, well.  I’ve really got to be going.

 

KAREN 

That financial statement-

 

GEORGE 

I’ll have my secretary send it over.  See you, Martin.

 

GEORGE exits.

 

MARTIN 

So what do you think?

 

KAREN 

About what?

 

MARTIN 

Crazy couple, aren’t they?

 

KAREN 

Do you have something against your sister? 

 

MARTIN 

I love my sister.  I’m doing this for her.

 

KAREN 

You’ve got a funny way of looking at things.

 

MARTIN 

This way I can keep track of what George is up to.  Oh, I think you have Mary’s portfolio.  I’ll need it.

 

KAREN 

Mary’s portfolio?  What would I be doing with that?

 

MARTIN 

I left it in here last night.  I was working late and the janitor was vacuuming my office so I came in here. 

 

KAREN 

I really don’t feel comfortable representing the Mayor.

 

MARTIN 

You’re perfect for George. I won’t listen to any more about it.  Now, I want you to make yourself available for him.  He’s a busy man, under a lot of pressure.  So, be nice to him.  (Starts to exit.)  I’ll take care of Sanchez. You’ve got balls, Robinson.  I must say.

 

KAREN 

Balls?  What are you talking about?

 

MARTIN 

Don’t you know?

 

KAREN 

What!

 

MARTIN 

It was Sanchez that prosecuted your father.

 

KAREN 

Joey did that?

 

MARTIN 

Don’t you remember?

 

 

KAREN 

No, I… I was still in law school… I didn’t come to the trial… 

 

MARTIN 

Joey was State’s Attorney at the time. 

 

KAREN 

State’s Attorney?

 

MARTIN 

It was an open and shut case, anyway.  Don’t hold it against Sanchez.  Hell, anyone could have got your father convicted.  You say he’s in a nursing home, now?

 

KAREN

(Still thinking)

Yeah.

 

MARTIN 

Is he… sensible? 

 

KAREN 

Sensible?  No.  He’s never been the same since the trial.  There’s something… that I don’t understand.  Joey doesn’t look the type.  I just can’t believe it.

 

MARTIN

Hey, wait a few years.  You won’t believe the things you’ll be capable of. 

 

KAREN 

But something just doesn’t make sense-

 

MARTIN 

Not everything has to.  Just do your job.  That’s what you get paid for, isn’t it? 

 

He exits.  KAREN thinks for a moment,

then exits, too.

 

A few moments later, MARTIN reenters.  He stands for a moment, thinking, walks over to her desk.  He opens the drawer and looks a moment, then closes it.  He exits.

 

BLACK OUT

 

 

SCENE 3

 

MARY and JOEY are driving; JOEY is at the wheel.

 

JOEY 

Thanks for breakfast.  I hardly ever eat out.

 

MARY 

No problem.

 

JOEY 

Where do you want me to drop you off?

 

MARY 

Oh, I don’t know.  Downtown somewhere.  Think I’ll buy a new dress.  Yeah, I’ll buy a new dress.  (Looks down.)  Maybe some shoes.

 

JOEY 

You don’t want to go home?  Get some sleep?

 

MARY 

Sleep?  I’m going to treatment tonight for thirty days.  I’m not going to waste my time sleeping.  Gonna get a new dress.

 

JOEY 

Treatment?  You mean-

 

MARY 

Dry out.  Hangover hotel. 

 

JOEY 

Oh.  Well.

 

MARY 

Why don’t you come shopping with me.  Come on. I’ll buy you a new dress, too.  Everybody gets a new dress.

 

JOEY 

Oh, I can’t.  I’ve got to see a friend… in the hospital. 

 

MARY 

On me.

 

JOEY 

I don’t wear dresses too much.  I’m kind of the jeans and T-shirt type.

 

MARY 

What the hell, I’ll buy myself two dresses.

 

JOEY 

I’m not sure I’m the right lawyer for this case.

 

MARY 

What do you mean?

 

JOEY 

Well, it’s not… what I expected.  I usually only take small cases, low profile, you know?  I’m out of my league.

 

MARY

 You’re not quitting on me, are you?

 

 

JOEY 

I’m not the right girl.  Lawyer.  I’m not the right lawyer. 

 

MARY 

No one else would even take my call!  George has me blackballed all over town.

 

JOEY 

I know a lawyer over on East Street.  He just passed the bar, I could give him a call for you.

 

MARY 

No!  I don’t want anyone else.

 

JOEY¨

I’ll refund your money.  I’m sorry, it’s just that I usually don’t take divorces.  When you called me last night from jail, of course I couldn’t say no, but on reflection it seems to me that I’m just not experienced enough. 

 

MARY 

You don’t need experience.  I know how to handle George.

 

JOEY 

It’s just that… he’s the Mayor!  And besides, I’m thinking of going away.  On vacation.  I’ve been planning it for months and-

 

MARY 

I’ll kill myself.

 

JOEY 

Now, don’t say that-

 

MARY 

I will, though.  I really will.

 

MARY takes a gun out of the glove compartment and puts it to her temple.  JOEY does not notice at first and keeps talking.

 

JOEY 

You’ve got your whole life ahead of you.  I realize things look dark right now, but hey, it could be worse.

 

MARY 

I don’t see how.  (She closes her eyes in anticipation of the blast.)

 

JOEY 

You’ve got your health.  And your youth.  I have an aunt with MS who can’t even get out of a wheelchair and she’s got the best outlook on life you ever-

 

MARY pulls the trigger.  The gun only clicks, but JOEY hears it.

 

JOEY 

What… What in the world are you doing?

 

MARY 

I thought I had a bullet in there!

 

JOEY 

A bullet!  Holy smokes!

 

MARY 

I suppose it will make a terrible mess, anyway.

 

JOEY  

I can’t deal with this…

 

MARY 

How much?

 

JOEY 

What?

 

MARY 

How much money do you want?

 

JOEY 

I don’t want any money.

 

MARY 

Ten thousand.  Twenty?

 

JOEY 

Twenty thousand dollars?

 

MARY 

That’s all the cash I can come up with, but I’ve got jewelry.  And stock.

 

JOEY 

Mrs. Bushey-

 

MARY 

You’re not running out on me, too.

 

JOEY 

Mrs. Bushey, I’ll find you another lawyer-

 

MARY starts to open the car door.

 

JOEY 

What are you doing?

 

MARY 

I’m jumping.

 

JOEY 

You’re- stop that!

 

MARY gets ready to jump.

 

JOEY 

Wait!  God! 

 

She pulls over.

 

JOEY(CONT.) 

Are you trying to get killed?

 

MARY gets out of the car and starts to walk.  JOEY gets out and chases her.

 

JOEY 

Mrs. Bushey -  Mary - stop for a minute.  Geez, I didn’t think you’d take it so hard.

 

MARY 

Just go.  What do you care?

 

 

JOEY 

Sit down.  Can we sit down?

 

MARY 

You sit down.

 

JOEY 

There are plenty of other lawyers would, well, maybe not love to work with you, but at least-

 

MARY 

I’m jumping.

 

JOEY(Looking down)

But the water must be freezing!

 

MARY 

I don’t care. (But she does, a little.)

 

She gets on the other side of the rail.

 

 

MARY 

I’ve had enough.

 

JOEY 

Oh, God, why me?

 

MARY makes as if to jump; JOEY closes her eyes.  When she opens them, MARY still has not jumped.

 

JOEY 

So… what are you doing?

 

MARY 

I’ll just wait until a television crew shows up so George can see me in my last hour.

 

JOEY 

A television crew?

 

MARY 

The station is right over there.  I happen to know they’re always on the lookout for suicides.

 

JOEY 

Oh, God!  (She starts to leave.)

 

MARY 

Where are you going?

 

JOEY 

To call the police?

 

MARY 

Don’t you know anything? You’re supposed to talk me out of this.  You’re supposed to humor me, for God’s sake!  Where have you been?

 

JOEY 

I’m sorry, I didn’t take a crash course in suicide prevention!

 

MARY 

It’s easy, you… you get me talking about something important to me, like… my children.

 

JOEY 

Tell me about your children.

 

MARY 

I don’t have any children, for God’s sake, that was just an example!

           

JOEY 

Why don’t you have any children?

 

MARY 

Because… because I can’t, that’s why.  God knows I tried.  For two years I took my temperature every morning.  Course it would have helped if George would stay home for fifteen minutes!

 

MARY looks as if to jump.

 

JOEY

(Hastily)

Let’s talk about something else!  A dog, do you have a dog?

 

MARY 

George hates dogs!  I can’t have children, I can’t have pets-

 

JOEY 

How about… parents?

 

MARY

(Bursting into tears)

I’m an orphan!

 

JOEY gets on the other side of the rail, too.

 

MARY 

What are you doing?

 

JOEY 

You’re ruining my career.  I might as well jump, too.

 

MARY 

I’m the one with no reason to live.

 

JOEY 

I’ve got problems of my own.

 

MARY 

Here, take my purse.  I want you to write my note.  I’ll tell you what to say.

 

JOEY 

I’m not going to write your suicide note.

 

MARY 

I gave you a thousand dollars and you can’t write me one lousy note?

 

JOEY 

Geez, all right, all right. 

 

JOEY

(Looking inside open purse)

What this?

 

MARY 

What?

 

JOEY 

It’s the bill from the restaurant.

 

MARY 

Dear George,  My only regret is that I didn’t have a chance to tell you what a rotten lover you were-

 

JOEY 

Did you pay it?

 

MARY 

And furthermore, I will not miss the way you bit your fork with every mouthful.  

 

JOEY 

We ran out on the bill.  We ran out on the bill!  

 

MARY 

The coffee was cold.

 

JOEY 

What?

 

MARY 

The coffee was cold, why should I pay for a meal when the coffee was cold?

 

JOEY 

Oh, Jesus.  I’ve had it.

 

MARY 

Had what?

 

JOEY gets on the other side of the rail.

 

JOEY 

Go ahead.  Jump.  I’m going back to the restaurant and paying the bill.

 

She starts to leave.  MARY looks after her a moment, then follows.

 

MARY 

You’re just going to leave me here?  To die?

 

JOEY 

The television crew should be here in a minute.  I think I see their van coming now.

 

MARY runs after her.

 

JOEY 

What are you doing?

 

MARY 

Drive.

 

JOEY 

We’re going back to that restaurant.  We’re telling them we made a mistake.

 

MARY

(Crying) 

Just drive!

 

MARY cries for a few moments.  She looks at JOEY.

 

MARY(CONT.) 

Why doesn’t he love me?

 

Lights go down.

 

 

SCENE 4

 

The BARTENDER, JOHNNY, enters whistling softly.  He wipes the bar. KAREN sits.

 

KAREN 

Hey,  Johnny, happy Friday.  What’s on special?

 

JOHNNY

We’ve got broccoli and cheese quiche

 

KAREN 

No, I’m trying to give up dairy.

 

JOHNNY

Give up dairy?  That’s un-American.  What are you, a commie?

 

KAREN 

No, Johnny.  Worse.  Besides, I think milk is great for baby cows, and you know, I’m starting to look like one.

 

JOHNNY

You trying to lose weight?  What’s the matter with all you girls, who are you trying to please?  Men like women with a little, you know, texture.

 

KAREN

You haven’t seen my thighs.

 

JOHNNY

I’d like to.

 

KAREN 

No, you wouldn’t.

 

JOHNNY

Yes, I would

 

KAREN  

No, you wouldn’t!  Ah, heck, how about a scotch? Straight up. There are no carbohydrates in scotch.  (He pours her a drink.)  It’s practically a diet drink.  Make it a double.  (He pours in some more.) I’m not going back to the office today, I’m not…  (She drinks it down.)  Do you know how much money I make?

 

JOHNNY

No, but you give lousy tips.

 

KAREN 

Four hundred dollars a week .  Do you know how much my rent costs?

 

JOHNNY

Come on, I thought you were a lawyer?

 

KAREN 

I have a roommate, but…  Eight hundred dollars a month, that’s after the split… I’ll take another scotch… Just a single…

 

 

JOHNNY

You’re drinking fast.

 

KAREN 

Don’t you dare shut me off!…  Three ounces of scotch, that’s three hundred calories…  On a thousand calories a day, that’s ten scotches…  I can have seven for dinner…  (She drinks the third.) 

 

JOHNNY

So what’s this about four hundred a week?

 

KAREN 

My gross pay is fifty thousand dollars a year, but most of it is deducted before I see it, I have bills, big, big bills.   Doesn’t everybody?

 

JOHNNY wanders offstage.  KAREN continues to talk, though he is not there.

 

KAREN  

I’ve got to go to the ladies room…  Have you seen it?…  I thought it was on the other side of the room…  (She has gotten up, but sits back down. She imagines that JOHNNY is there.)  JOHNNY, you’re a very, very nice person…  I don’t usually talk this way to men, but you’re different, somehow, more… sympathetic than most…  

 

JOHNNY reenters here.

 

KAREN 

…I like you, JOHNNY…  I really do-

 

JOHNNY

Great, can I see your thighs?

 

KAREN 

No!  Give me another drink.

 

JOEY enters and sits down next to KAREN.

 

JOEY 

Scotch, please, JOHNNY. 

 

JOHNNY

How you doing, kid?

 

JOEY 

Okay, JOHNNY. 

 

She sees KAREN.  JOHNNY sets her up and refills KAREN’S drink, then exits.

 

JOEY(CONT.)

Oh, hi.

 

KAREN 

You on a diet, too?

 

 

JOEY 

What?

 

KAREN 

You don’t look so mean.

 

JOEY 

I’m not mean.

 

KAREN 

All lawyers are mean.  Some are just meaner than others.

 

JOEY 

I was brought up to be polite.

 

KAREN 

Ha!

 

JOEY 

Well, I was.  Are you here by yourself?

 

KAREN 

I’m here to get drunk.

 

JOEY 

What a coincidence.  So am I.

 

They both down a scotch.

 

JOEY(CONT.) 

God, I hate this stuff!

 

 

KAREN 

I don’t suppose you know who I am.

 

JOEY 

Um, you’re the Mayor’s lawyer.  Aren’t you?

 

KAREN 

I use my mother’s maiden name.

 

JOEY 

Uh huh.

 

KAREN 

Otherwise, you’d recognize me instantly.

 

JOEY 

Are you famous?

 

KAREN 

No, I’m not famous.  But my father is.  Was.  Made headlines.  Along with you.

 

JOEY 

I made headlines?

 

KAREN 

I should hate you.  But you’re a lawyer, right?  Just doing your job.  But I’ll tell you this.  My father was framed.  He was just an accountant, just doing what he was told.  Like you.  And me.

 

JOEY 

God.

 

KAREN 

Amos Garfield.

 

JOEY looks at her blankly.

 

KAREN 

I thought you’d be speechless.  So here I am.  Sipping scotch with the lawyer who ruined my father’s life.

 

JOEY 

God.

 

KAREN 

Please don’t bother to apologize.  I’m a whore to hire just like you are.

 

JOEY 

We’re whores?

 

KAREN 

We do what our clients want, don’t we?  It’s the best definition I can think of.

 

JOEY 

I never thought of it like that.

 

KAREN 

You told lies about my father.  Martin paid you to.  Probably I would have done the same thing in your shoes.

 

JOEY 

Martin paid me to lie?

 

KAREN 

You’re probably wondering why I work for Martin.

 

JOEY 

Actually, I hadn’t thought about it.

 

KAREN 

I’m going to clear my father’s name if it’s the last thing I ever do!  So it’s like I’m sleeping with the enemy.

 

JOEY 

You’re sleeping with Martin?

 

KAREN 

It’s just a figure of speech!  God, don’t you know anything?

JOEY 

Well, it would help if I knew who Martin was.

 

KAREN 

Oh, you’re funny.  You’re really funny.

 

JOEY 

I am?

 

KAREN 

My father was the most honest person I ever knew.  You and Martin convinced a jury that he diverted company funds to Switzerland.  But you and I both know that that money never showed up.  My father never even left New Jersey except to marry my mother!

 

JOEY 

Where’s your poor mother now?

 

KAREN 

Died while my father was still in jail.  Of a broken heart.

 

JOEY 

I’m awful!

 

KAREN 

Don’t bother.

 

JOEY 

I am!  An awful, awful person.  I don’t deserve to live.

 

KAREN 

It was a long time ago.

 

JOEY 

How long?

 

KAREN 

Six years now.

 

JOHNNY reenters.

 

JOEY 

I’m going to kill myself.  (Remembering earlier.)  I’m going to jump off a bridge!

 

JOHNNY

(Under his breath)

Oh, Jesus.

 

JOEY 

Johnny, give me another scotch.  I’m going to need it. 

 

KAREN 

He doesn’t even know who I am.  Alzheimer’s. 

 

JOEY 

Brought on by this terrible event?

 

KAREN 

The doctors say it might have contributed.

 

JOEY 

I’m going to spend the rest of my life making it right.

 

KAREN 

You can’t.  I can’t even do it.  I’m paying my father’s debts, doing all I can, and it doesn’t help.  What makes you think you can do anything?

 

JOEY 

I can clear his name, can’t I?  I mean, I’m the one who brought him down.

 

KAREN 

Another Scotch, please.

 

JOEY 

Make it two.  On me.  This one’s on me.  How much are your father’s legal bills?

 

KAREN 

Don’t ask.  Thousands.  Tens of thousands.

 

JOEY 

I’ll help.  I can pay twenty… no ten.  I can pay ten a week.

 

KAREN 

Ten what?

 

JOEY 

Ten dollars.  Until it’s paid off.  Unless, of course, I get a raise.

 

 

KAREN 

A raise?

 

JOEY 

Um, that is, unless I raise my rates.  I thinking of doing it real soon.

 

KAREN 

Oh, forget it.  It’s my problem. 

 

JOEY 

But-

 

KAREN 

I feel better.  You’ve done that for me.  Thank you.

 

JOEY 

I won’t rest until this is cleared up.

 

KAREN 

Forget it.

 

JOEY 

But what about George?

 

KAREN 

George?  What about George?

 

JOEY 

I’ve done a terrible thing. 

 

KAREN 

What?  What have you done?

 

JOEY 

You’re right.  I’m a whore for hire.  I’ll do anything for money.

 

KAREN 

For heaven’s sake, what are you talking about?

 

JOEY 

Nothing.  It doesn’t matter now.  He’s your client, isn’t he? 

 

They drink in silence for a moment.  KAREN is becoming quite drunk.

 

KAREN 

Where’s the pickpocket?

 

JOEY 

Who?

 

KAREN 

Oh, for heaven’s sake.  Mary.  Your client.  She lifted the Mayor’s wallet.

 

JOEY 

She did?

 

 

KAREN 

Pulled it right out of his pants.

 

JOEY 

Is that illegal?

 

KAREN 

Obscene, if you ask me.

 

The women giggle a little.

 

JOEY 

I don’t know who’s in worse shape.  You or me.

 

 

KAREN 

Well, I’ve had three scotches.  (JOEY drinks one down.)  Diet, you

know.

 

JOEY 

I don’t usually drink.  Another scotch, please.

 

KAREN 

Why not?

 

JOEY 

Oh, usually I start crying.  And confessing.  Remember the girl at the high school parties that always got drunk and made a fool of herself?  That’s me.

 

KAREN 

Well, I think that’s awful.  To feel that way.  I’ll bet you were very cute.

 

JOEY 

Stanley didn’t think so.  (She sniffs a little.) 

 

KAREN 

Who’s Stanley?

 

JOEY 

He was a senior and I was a junior.  They all told me he was going to ask me to the prom.  It was a joke.  He took Andrea Harper. 

 

KAREN 

I would have taken you instead.

 

JOEY 

That’s awful sweet of you.  (She starts to cry.)  Awful sweet. 

 

KAREN gives her a Kleenex.

 

KAREN 

I think proms should be outlawed.  My parents made me go with Eddie Sheridan.  I spent the entire night in the ladies room smoking cigarettes.  And I don’t even smoke!

 

MARY enters and sits down.

 

MARY 

Scotch, please.

 

JOEY 

I thought you went shopping?

 

MARY 

I did.  That is, I tried.  But there was a little problem. I don’t have any money in my account.  The store wouldn’t take my check.

 

KAREN 

I really have to see about a bathroom.  (She looks hard at the room.)

 

JOEY 

I still have the check you gave me. 

 

MARY 

That George is up to something!

 

KAREN 

I cannot take part in a conversation about my client.

 

MARY

(To KAREN)

I hate you! You’ve ruined my life.

 

JOEY 

And I ruined hers!

 

KAREN 

God!

 

MARY

And I hate George and I hate… Martin! That Martin is a bigger snake than George.

 

JOEY 

Who the hell is this Martin?

 

MARY 

My brother!

 

KAREN 

Mary, I don’t think Martin has your best interests in mind-

 

MARY 

I’m not talking to you!  (To JOHNNY.) Make the next one a double.  I’m going to rehab, might as well tank up first.

 

JOHNNY

Mrs. Bushey, you’re husband called a couple of months ago and said-

 

MARY 

I don’t care what my husband told you, give me a double or I’ll stand up on the bar and do something indecent!  (He pours her a drink quickly.) Now, what were we saying?  Oh, yeah.  I’m a drunk.  And a thief.  But damn it all, George was supposed to give me a gold necklace for our anniversary.  And now I’ll never have another one!

 

KAREN 

Oh, God.  I’m going to the bathroom.

 

MARY 

I hope you’re satisfied!

 

KAREN exits.

 

JOEY 

Your life really is a mess, isn’t it.

 

MARY 

I’m worth ten million dollars and I can’t even write a check!

 

JOEY 

You may have to get a job.

 

MARY 

But I’m rich!

 

JOEY 

Are you sure?

 

MARY 

What do you mean, am I sure, of course I’m sure, why I… I think I’m sure.

 

JOEY 

Maybe you spent it all.  That happened to me once.  I had a car accident and wound up with two thousand dollars.  Spent it in two weeks.

 

MARY 

I spend two thousand dollars at the shoe store!

 

JOEY 

Well, then you’ve probably run through your money already.

 

MARY 

George is right.  I’m a spend thrift!  Joey, that check I gave you… it’s no good!

 

JOEY 

Oh, that’s all right.  I wasn’t expecting it. 

 

MARY 

I’ll have to sell my jewelry.

 

JOEY 

God, I wouldn’t do that!  Isn’t it sentimental?

 

MARY

Joey, what am I going to do?  I don’t have any skills!  I can’t even type.

 

JOEY 

Well, you could learn!

 

MARY 

Do you think so?

 

JOEY 

Sure.  Why, I can type a hundred words a minute.

 

MARY 

No kidding!

 

JOEY 

It’s just practice. 

 

MARY 

Maybe I’ll take a course.

 

JOEY 

I could get you a job.  I know lots of places that need good secretaries.  It’s an important job.  Why, the relationship between a boss and a secretary should be like a marriage.  A good marriage.

 

MARY  

I don’t have any of those skills, either

 

She starts to cry.  KAREN enters and sits down nearby.

 

KAREN 

God, it’s a mess in there!  Dirty towels all over the place, water on the floor.

 

JOEY looks around the corner where KAREN has emerged.

 

JOEY 

You were in the men’s room.

 

KAREN 

What?

 

JOEY 

The men’s room.  The Ladies’ room is on the other side.

 

JOEY indicates where the LADIES’ room is.

 

KAREN 

God, no wonder that guy looked at me so strangely.  I’d better have something to eat.

 

MARY

 I’ll have another double.  I said another double!

 

JOEY 

I get the feeling that I’m forgetting something.

 

MARY starts to crawl up on the table, looks satisfied at JOHNNY’S compliance, and sits back down.

 

MARY 

Don’t ever become an alcoholic.  It makes you aggressive.

 

JOEY

(To KAREN)

Why are you sitting over there?

 

KAREN 

Because it’s not professional for us to be together like this.

 

MARY 

I’m going to drag George through the mud!  .

 

KAREN 

Would you mind keeping down your voice?  I am not supposed to hear this.

 

MARY 

Martin told me about it.  (To KAREN.)  You’re just one of a long line, honey.  God, I suppose I should feel sorry for you.

 

KAREN

(Trying to focus her eyes)

Johnny, I want to talk to you about the condition of the Men’s room.

 

MARY 

That snake!

 

JOEY 

Who, George?

 

MARY 

Martin!  Why does he have to tell me everything? 

 

JOEY 

I don’t think I like the sounds of this Martin.

 

MARY 

He’s my guardian.  He’s been my guardian since I was twelve when our parents were killed.

 

KAREN 

You’re not twelve any longer, honey.  Wake up and smell the coffee.

 

MARY 

Joey, I want you to file charges against George today.  Adultery.  See if you can get him arrested.

 

JOEY 

Adultery isn’t against the law.

 

MARY 

Well, it should be.  And besides, he spent all my money. 

 

KAREN 

George spent all your money?

 

MARY 

On his reelection campaign.  And you!  I called Martin and he told me everything.  Oh, hell.  I suppose I should thank you for taking him off my hands.

 

JOEY

(To MARY)

She had a tragic life. And it’s all my fault.

 

KAREN

Martin…

 

MARY 

I think we all need another drink.  Johnny?  Drinks all around. (To JOEY.)  Don’t worry, it’s on me.

 

JOEY 

Gee, thanks.

 

JOHNNY pours; they all drink in unison.

 

MARY 

Every now and then I stop and tell myself what day it is.  You know?  Like, today’s Wednesday, I might say.  Two more days until the weekend.  I might say the date to myself.  Remind myself that I’m alive.  Cause I feel like I’m in some kind of whirlwind, and the weeks pass by so quickly.  My life is on fast forward and I don’t like the plot.

 

MARY stands up.

 

MARY 

Johnny?

 

JOHNNY 

Yes, Mrs. Bushey?

 

MARY 

Johnny, there’s something you should know.

 

JOHNNY 

Yes, Mrs. Bushey?

 

MARY 

Johnny… I’ve decided to learn to type.

 

MARY sinks to the floor.  JOHNNY, KAREN, and JOEY try to help her.

 

The lights go down.

 

 

SCENE 5

 

GEORGE enters and crosses to the center.  A spot light comes up.  A reporter approaches him with a microphone.  

 

REPORTER

This is Sam Steffans for WPIX-TV.  I’m here at City Hall with Mayor Bushey.  Mayor, you came out well in the debate, I think.  How do you feel?

 

GEORGE 

Well, of course, my opponent is young.  He may have inherited money, but he hasn’t inherited experience.  That has to be earned.

 

REPORTER

Mayor Bushey, is it true that your wife spent the night in the county jail last night?

 

GEORGE 

Mrs. Bushey has been ill lately.

 

REPORTER

I understand she stole a gold chain from Hartell’s Jewelry Store.  Can you comment?

 

GEORGE 

My wife and I are separated and in the process of a divorce.  But it’s true, it’s true.  She has  problems for which there are no easy solutions.

 

REPORTER

Such as?

 

GEORGE

My wife is a substance abuser.  I begged her to enter a rehab several months ago, to no avail.  Of course, as Mayor I’ve supported such institutions and even appropriated money-

 

REPORTER

But what about her stealing? 

 

GEORGE 

I’m afraid when she has… had too much too drink, her behavior becomes unpredictable.  She creates fantastic ideas in her head sometimes and drinking makes it all the worse.

 

REPORTER

How is the divorce going to affect your ability to serve in office?

 

GEORGE 

Ironically, I’ll be more effective than before.  Ever since I realized that my wife’s problems were beyond my help, I’ve felt a new vigor and purpose as a public servant.

 

REPORTER

I understand that your own wife’s brother is representing you in the divorce, is that true?

 

GEORGE 

His law firm, yes.  Martin Snodgrass shares my concerns about Mrs. Bushey.  He felt it was in the family’s best interests that we work this out together.

 

REPORTER

Is there any chance of a reconciliation, Mayor Bushey?

 

GEORGE 

I pray to God every day that my wife be restored to sanity.

 

REPORTER

Karen Robinson is the law associate assigned to your case, is that right, Mayor?

 

GEORGE 

Yes, Miss Robinson is a fine attorney.  Graduated second in her class at Yale.

 

REPORTER

Are you having an affair, Mayor?

 

GEORGE 

What?

 

REPORTER

Our sources report that your wife has filed for divorce on grounds of adultery.

 

GEORGE 

Adultery isn’t grounds for divorce in this state and anyway-

 

REPORTER

She’s named Karen Robinson in the suit.  Any comment, Mayor?

 

GEORGE

(Pause, taking it in)

I’ll be damned.

 

Lights go down.  End of ACT 1.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ACT 2

 

SCENE 1

 

JIM BLACK enters the bar and sits down.  He carries a big envelope.

 

JIM 

Scotch, please.

 

JOHNNY pours him a scotch.

 

JIM 

I’m waiting for a young lady.

 

JOHNNY

We get plenty of those.

 

JIM 

No, you don’t understand.  This is a very special young lady.  I’m going to marry her.

 

JOHNNY

Congratulations.

 

JIM 

She doesn’t know it yet.

 

JOHNNY

Got the ring?

 

JIM 

Of course not.  I want her to pick it out.  This is our second date.  That is, if you count the first one.

 

JOHNNY

Uh huh.

 

JIM 

But I’ve known her for two years, just… didn’t have the courage to ask her out until recently.

 

JOHNNY

I see.

 

JIM 

I stood her up the first time.  I didn’t mean to!  God, she’s a wonderful girl.

 

JOHNNY

You move fast, huh, mister?

 

JIM 

When you know, you know.  You know?

 

JOHNNY

Mister, I don’t know nothing.

 

MARTIN enters and sits down.

 

MARTIN 

Scotch, please.

 

JOHNNY pours a scotch.

 

JIM 

Oh, hello, Martin. 

 

MARTIN 

Humph.

 

JIM 

Excuse me?

 

MARTIN 

I understand you’re meeting someone.

 

JIM 

I’ve finished work for the day, I think it’s allowed.

 

MARTIN

You’ve finished work, all right.

 

JIM 

I beg your pardon?

 

MARTIN 

I know what you’re up to.  Here and now.

 

JIM 

You do?

 

MARTIN 

I never figured you for a sucker, Jim.

 

JIM 

I’m afraid I don’t follow.

 

MARTIN 

So, you want to play coy.  All right.  We’ll be coy.  This… meeting you have arranged. I’ll double whatever you’re getting.

 

JIM 

You’ll double it?

 

MARTIN 

How much are you getting?

 

JIM 

I’m not getting anything, I don’t know what you’re talking about.  I have a date, if it’s all right with you.

 

MARTIN 

So that’s it, women.  Sanchez is supplying you with women. 

 

JIM 

Sanchez?

 

MARTIN 

Don’t play dumb with me.  I know you’re working with Joey Sanchez.

 

JIM 

Who the hell is Joey Sanchez?

 

MARTIN 

I know all about your little meeting here at Johnny’s.  And I’m going to stay and say my piece. 

 

JIM 

You know about my lunch date?

 

MARTIN 

Boy, you’re a cold one, Jim Black, I’ll give you that.  Ruining people’s lives, prying into their personal affairs.

 

JIM 

I’m a public auditor, for heaven’s sake, I serve a necessary function.

 

MARTIN

Look, whatever deal you cut with Sanchez, you can do better with me. (Looks at his watch.)  The old bastard is late, never was on time for anything.

 

JIM 

I’ve conducted an audit at your law firm, but that gives you no license to harass me like this.

 

MARTIN 

Look, Sanchez and I were in on this together.  You can’t take one of us down without the other.  How much money are you getting?

 

JIM 

Money?

 

MARTIN

(Looks at envelope)

You’ve got the goods on me there.  How much would it take to buy it?  A hundred thousand? Two?

 

JIM 

Are you trying to bribe me?

 

MARTIN 

Just remember this.  I might be in a corner, but I also have very little left to lose.  I’ll cut a deal with you if it takes Sanchez down, too.

 

JIM 

I have not cut a deal with Joey Sanchez! 

 

MARTIN

You haven’t? Oh, I see, keeping your options open.  You’re a smart one, Black. 

 

JIM 

I’m going to find this Joey Sanchez and have a talk.  But at the moment I’m waiting for someone and I will not allow you to interfere.

 

MARTIN 

You’re waiting for someone, all right, and I’m waiting with you.

 

JIM 

Mr. Snodgrass, I’m waiting for the love of my life and I will not allow you to spoil it with these outbursts. 

 

MARTIN 

Love?  What are you, some kind of fruit?

 

JIM 

Johnny, give me another scotch, please.  And do you have the time?

 

JOHNNY

One-thirty.

 

JIM 

Oh, dear, I wonder if I have the time wrong again.

 

MARTIN 

So that’s it.  You and Sanchez.  God, it makes me sick.  Now I’m getting the picture.  All right, I can play that game, too.  If that’s what it takes to keep you quiet, that’s what it takes.  JOHNNY, give me another scotch, I’m going to need it.  (JOHNNY pours.  He downs it fast.)  Where should we go?

 

JIM 

I beg your pardon?

 

MARTIN 

A motel?

 

JIM

A motel- are you out of your mind?

 

MARTIN 

All right, all right, I’ll spring for a hotel.  But I’ll choose.

 

GEORGE enters and sits down at the bar.

 

GEORGE 

Scotch.  Oh hi, Martin.  (He nods at JIM.) 

 

MARTIN

(To JIM, sotto voce)

Act natural.

 

GEORGE 

God, what a fiasco.

 

MARTIN 

We were just leaving.

 

JIM 

I’m not going anywhere, I’m waiting for my date!  (He gets up and goes to another seat.)  You stay away from me!

 

GEORGE 

Problem with the audit?  (MARTIN does not respond, but stealthily winks at BLACK, who is horrified.)  You wouldn’t believe what happened to me just now.  You just wouldn’t believe it.  (MARTIN struggles to get BLACK’S eye.)  I was accused on television of having an affair with Karen Robinson.  Two months before the election!  I mean, how low can Mary sink?  (He downs the drink in one gulp.)  Give me another, Johnny.

 

JOHNNY

What is it with you lawyer types?  Scotch fry your brains?

 

MARTIN goes over  to BLACK and sits down cozily.

 

MARTIN 

Sanchez isn’t really coming here today.

 

JIM 

Now, what are you talking about?

 

MARTIN 

It’s me you want, I know that now.  Just be gentle.

 

JIM, horrified, goes back to the bar.  MARTIN, slightly drunk, waits confidently.

 

JIM 

Another scotch, please!  (Looks at GEORGE, speaks frantically.)  Nice weather we’re having!

 

GEORGE 

It’s raining cats and dogs.

 

JIM 

I always liked a good rain!  You didn’t see Stephanie on your way in, did you?  She was supposed to meet me at one o’clock.

 

GEORGE 

Who?

 

JIM 

Stephanie.  Stephanie Dwyer.  You remember her-

 

GEORGE 

So that’s why you’re sneaking around Martin’s offices.

 

MARTIN is writing down the name of a hotel on a napkin.

 

JIM 

Actually, it’s a coincidence-

 

GEORGE 

It’s a low blow.  You can’t prove anything.

 

JIM 

Oh, but I can.  I have to.  It’s the most important thing in the world to me.

 

GEORGE 

What do you have against me?  Is it politics?  Or do you just want money?  How much do you want?

 

JIM 

You want to give me money, too?

 

 

GEORGE 

I’m talking to my lawyer.  Oh, God, my lawyer!  I’ll get another lawyer.  Joey Sanchez is behind this, I know it!

 

JIM 

Who the hell is Joey Sanchez?

 

MARTIN has come back to the bar.

 

MARTIN 

You’re a sly one, Jim Black.  (He hands him the napkin.)  It’s got

Jacuzzis.  I’ll be waiting. (As he leaves, he gooses JIM.)

 

MARTIN exits.

 

JIM 

He married?

 

GEORGE 

Nah.  I think he hates women.

 

JIM 

Oh.

 

GEORGE 

Look, I’ll make it worth your while.  About Stephanie, I mean.  Mary

and I have a lot of money.  How much would it take?

 

JIM 

Are you trying to bribe me?

 

GEORGE 

Aren’t you trying to blackmail me?

 

JIM 

I should say not!  Why on earth would I want to do that?

 

GEORGE 

But I thought-

 

JIM 

I have a date with Stephanie Dwyer.  I only mentioned it because you know her.  I thought maybe you’d seen her on your way in.

 

GEORGE 

Oh.

 

JIM 

And anyway, you and your wife don’t have any money.

 

GEORGE 

What are you talking about?

 

JIM 

Your portfolio.  Karen Robinson has been handling it, hasn’t she?  I see so much of this in my business.  Why on earth did you put all your capital into high risk mutual funds?

 

GEORGE 

But I… we didn’t.

 

JIM 

I’m afraid you did.  Better talk to Miss Robinson.  Don’t you get statements?

 

 

GEORGE 

Yes, but there was nothing like that!  Jesus Christ, we’re worth ten million.

 

JIM 

The money was Mrs. Bushey’s wasn’t it?

 

GEORGE 

Well, technically-

 

GEORGE signals to JOHNNY for another drink.

 

JIM 

She signed a power-or-attorney.  A week- maybe ten days ago.  Karen Robinson put the money into mutual funds.  Look, I shouldn’t be telling you this, I expected you knew.

 

GEORGE 

I don’t believe it.  I want to see the power-of-attorney.

 

JIM 

Well, for heaven’s sake.  (He takes out a folder from his brief case.)  Here it is.  Signed, sealed and delivered. 

 

GEORGE 

Can I have this?

 

JIM 

I guess so.  It’s only a copy.  (Looks around the room) God, where’s Stephanie!

 

GEORGE slams down his glass and runs out of the bar.

 

JOHNNY(Pouring a drink)

I hear you say you’re waiting for Stephanie Dwyer?

 

JIM

Yes!  Yes, I am.

 

JOHNNY

She was in here an hour ago.  Maybe an hour and a half.

 

JIM 

What?  Oh, no!  I said one o’clock.  No!  She said one o’clock.  Oh, now what should I do?

 

 

JOHNNY

Come here.  (JIM leans forward.) Just between us, I think I’d forget about Martin Snodgrass.  He isn’t your type.

Black out.

 

 

Scene 2

 

The lights come back up in KAREN’S office.  She is talking on the phone.  JOEY is lying on the couch, semi-conscious.

 

KAREN 

Hi, sweetheart…  Were you in a meeting?… Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound desperate, I was just missing you… Drinking?  I had some lunch with scotch… Business, you know…

 

JOEY 

That George Bushey is a son-of-a-bitch.

 

KAREN 

What?  Oh, I’m with a client, sort of.  Listen, I’ll see you tonight.  Love you, too.  (She hangs up.)  Mrs. Bushey, you really must come out of there.

 

MARY

(From under the couch)

I’m going to die under here.

 

KAREN gets up and looks under the couch.

           

KAREN 

This is really unprofessional, you know.

 

JOEY 

I think I’m going to be sick again.  (She runs offstage.)

 

GEORGE enters.

 

GEORGE 

So.  We meet again.

 

KAREN 

I wasn’t expecting you again today, Mayor.

 

GEORGE 

Oh, really?  Somehow I thought you were one step ahead of me.

 

KAREN 

Excuse me?

 

GEORGE 

I’m broke.  (He starts to laugh.)  A half hour ago I was worth ten million dollars and now I’m broke.

 

KAREN 

I’m afraid I don’t follow.

 

GEORGE 

Why did you do it, Robinson?  You got an interest in some of these cheesy companies that you invested my money in?

 

MARY

(From under the couch)

It’s my money, George.

 

GEORGE 

Mary!  What the-  

 

MARY 

I said it’s my money!

 

KAREN 

I haven’t touched anyone’s money!  Good God, I’d like to have ten million dollars.

 

GEORGE 

Well, according to Mr. Black, Karen Robinson invested all our money in high-risk mutual funds.

 

KAREN 

I can barely balance my own checkbook!

 

GEORGE 

I’m going to get to the bottom of this if it’s the last thing I ever do!

 

JOEY reenters.

 

JOEY 

Oh, hi Mayor.  (Looks at everyone.)  My God, what day is it?

 

KAREN 

It’s still Friday.

 

JOEY 

Boy, that’s the last time I’m drinking scotch.

 

GEORGE 

Well, you might as well know.  You’re Mary’s lawyer.  Karen Robinson invested our money and lost it all.  Ten million dollars.

 

KAREN 

But, I didn’t invest anybody’s money!  Only the partners handle estates.

 

JOEY 

So, where’s the money?

 

KAREN 

I… I don’t know.  How would I know?

 

JOEY 

Is your computer on a network?

 

KAREN 

I… I guess so, but-

 

JOEY 

Well, then it’s simple.  We’ll have a look.

 

KAREN 

I’m not sure how to get into anything-

 

JOEY 

Don’t worry.  I’ve got great computer skills.

 

JOEY sits at KAREN’S desk and starts working.  MARY crawls out from under the couch.

 

GEORGE 

I thought you’d at least stay sober today.

 

MARY 

Why should I stay sober?  What have I got to stay sober for?  (She starts to cry.)

 

GEORGE 

Oh, please, Mary, I hate it when you do that.

 

MARY

Why don’t you love me, anymore, George?

GEORGE 

Please, Mary!

 

JOEY 

Oh, my God!

 

KAREN 

What is it?

 

JOEY 

Oh, my God!

 

KAREN 

What is it?

 

JOEY 

OH, MY GOD!

 

KAREN 

Would you cut that out?

 

JOEY 

I don’t want to say anything.  I mean, I can’t prove anything.  I mean, I could be wrong.

 

GEORGE 

Joey, would you tell us what’s going on?  What did you see in the computer?

 

JOEY 

I know where the money is.  Martin Snodgrass, I knew I’d heard that name before.  Oh, I think I’m going to be sick again.  (She starts to run out of the room. 

 

GEORGE pursues her.

 

MARY 

George!

 

MARTIN enters.

 

MARTIN 

Anybody home? 

 

KAREN gets up quickly and sits down on the couch.

 

KAREN 

Um, sure.

 

MARTIN 

Where have you been?

 

KAREN 

Johnny’s.  With Mary and Joey, if you must know.

 

MARTIN 

Oh really?  That’s quite a trick.

 

KAREN 

What do you mean?

 

MARTIN 

Joey Sanchez is in South America.  Or at least was. 

 

KAREN 

South America?  Joey Sanchez is in the bathroom!  Throwing up, for all I know.

 

MARTIN 

Joey’s downstairs in the lobby.  We just had a long talk.  Mary, I’ve got some papers for you to sign.  

 

MARY 

Where’s my money, Martin?

 

MARTIN 

Where is always is.  In the trust fund.

 

MARY 

George says that the money is gone.  Invested in junk bonds.

 

MARTIN 

I move money around from time to time.  But I’m not a fool about investments.  In fact, I’ve been trying to get you to sign a transfer agreement all day. 

 

MARY 

I’m not signing anything.

 

MARTIN 

I have had your money in some high-interest mutual funds. But I’m playing it safe.  We’ve maximized our investment and it’s time to get out.  But the money is not lost, believe me.  It’s safe as I’m standing here. 

 

KAREN 

Maybe you should get a printout, Martin.  To clear up any confusion.

 

MARTIN 

You an amateur, Karen.  Whatever you’ve got planned, it won’t work.  I’ve been in this game a long, long time.

 

KAREN 

God, are we both drunk?  What the hell are you talking about?

 

MARTIN 

Listen, Mary.  What is it you want?  More than anything in the world?

 

MARY 

I don’t want to go to treatment.

 

MARTIN 

I’m not taking you to treatment.  We’ll go… on a vacation together.  Would you like that?  To the islands.  The sun will do you good.

 

MARY 

I want my husband back.

 

MARTIN 

And you’ll get him back.  I promise.  After a vacation.  You’ll feel better, look better- (He is putting the form in her hand and a pen.)  Joey and I are taking you to a warm climate.  You like the beach, don’t you?

 

KAREN stands behind the couch looking over MARY’S shoulder.

 

KAREN 

Martin, these papers are dated the eleventh.  This is the seventeenth.

 

MARTIN 

That’s when they were drawn up.

 

KAREN 

No, it says a wire transfer was on the eleventh.  You’ll have to change the date.  Otherwise it’s illegal.

 

MARY 

Good heavens, not illegal!

 

 

MARTIN 

Just sign the goddamn papers, Mary, I’ll fix it later.

 

KAREN 

Mrs. Bushey, I wouldn’t sign those without-

 

MARTIN 

What did you say?

 

KAREN 

I was just advising Mrs. Bushey.  Martin, I’ve never even heard of that mutual fund company, San, what?  Where’s San Estaban?

 

MARTIN 

And who the hell are you to advise her of anything?  You do what I pay you to do, that’s all.  Mary, let’s go to my office.  I’ll deal with you later!

 

KAREN 

Don’t do it, Mrs. Bushey.

 

MARTIN 

What did you say?

 

KAREN

(Less sure of herself)

I said… don’t do it?

 

MARTIN 

You’re fired.

 

KAREN 

I’m what?

 

MARTIN 

You’re fired.

 

KAREN 

Fired?

 

MARTIN 

Fired!

 

KAREN 

I’m fired!

 

MARTIN 

Fired!

 

KAREN 

Then I quit!

 

MARY 

You tell him!

 

MARTIN 

You stay out of this!  (Turning back to KAREN.)  And I’m going to bring charges against you.  (He takes out a check.) Ever seen this before?

 

KAREN 

What- where did you get that?

 

MARTIN 

Made out to you by George Bushey.  Not a great idea, Karen, to take money from a client.

 

KAREN 

I- I didn’t take it.  I gave it back to him. 

 

MARTIN 

You can be disbarred.  Maybe even go to jail. 

 

KAREN 

God, I didn’t do anything!  You’re trying to frame me.

 

MARTIN 

It seems there’s some other money missing from the firm.  Portfolios.  Hundreds of thousands of dollars.  The paper trail leads to South America, Karen.

 

KAREN 

You know I haven’t done anything.  You’re a bastard, Martin.

 

MARTIN 

And you’re a chip off the old block, Robinson.

 

JIM  enters suddenly.

 

JIM

Where’s Stephanie?  Is she in here?

 

KAREN 

I beg your pardon?

 

JIM

(To MARTIN)

You keep your hands off me!

 

MARTIN 

I was just leaving.  Mary?

 

JIM

(TO MARY)

Please!  I left some papers in your office and I drove back and… I saw her car in the parking lot.  Is she here?  Miss Robinson, is she here?  I must see her.

 

KAREN 

I’m afraid I don’t know a Stephanie.

 

JIM 

But, of course you do.  She was here this morning.  With Mrs. Bushey and the Mayor.

 

KAREN 

This morning?  Are you sure?

 

JOEY, still weak, enters with GEORGE.

 

JOEY 

Well, I’ve got that over with- (She sees JIM.)  Oh. Uh-oh.

 

JIM 

Stephanie!  My darling, I waited and waited for you at Johnny’s, but-

 

MARY 

Stephanie?  What are you talking about?

 

Everyone looks confused, except MARTIN, who is still trying to get MARY’S attention.

 

MARTIN 

Look, I’ve got some business to finish.  Karen, if you and your little girlfriend will excuse us-

 

JOEY 

Who is that asshole?

 

KAREN 

That asshole… that asshole is Martin Snodgrass.  Martin Asshole Snodrass.

 

JIM 

Stephanie… Darling… I know this is rather sudden, but… Will you marry me? 

 

KAREN 

Who is- what is- what is going on?

 

JIM 

Why, have you all gone mad?  This is Stephanie Dwyer.  She was in here this morning.

 

MARY 

Stephanie Dwyer, Stephanie Dwyer…

 

GEORGE 

Stephanie Dwyer-

 

KAREN 

You mean you’re Stephanie Dwyer?  Then who the hell is Joey Sanchez?

 

MARTIN 

I’d like to stand around and sort this out with you folks, but I’ve got a plane to catch.  Mary?  Are you coming?

 

MARY 

Stephanie Dwyer?  George, how could you let me hire her?

 

GEORGE 

How could I?  I didn’t have anything to do with it!

 

MARY

(Preparing to leave)

Good-bye, George.

 

JOEY 

Don’t go, Mary.  Please!  Listen to me!

 

MARY

(To GEORGE and JOEY)

I suppose you two think this is funny!  (To GEORGE.)  Do you have absolutely no respect for me?

 

MARTIN 

Come on, Mary!

 

MARY 

How could you do this to me?

 

JOEY 

I didn’t know who you were!  I work for Joey, and he’s out of the country and he left me in charge, and, well, you were so desperate!

 

MARY 

Not desperate enough to hire my husband’s mistress!

 

GEORGE 

She’s not my mistress!

 

JIM  Stephanie? 

You and the Mayor?

 

MARY exits in a huff.

 

JOEY 

Oh, Jim, it’s nothing like that.  It’s not going to work, Martin.  I know what you and Joey are up to.

 

MARTIN 

Oh, really?

 

JOEY 

Pretty ordinary, actually.  You and Joey set up a phony company in Brazil, and funneled Mary’s money into it-

 

GEORGE 

You did what?

 

JOEY 

You probably gambled away your own inheritance, isn’t that right?  That’s where I remember your name.  High stakes poker with Joey.  How much did you steal from other clients?

 

MARTIN 

You don’t know what you’re talking about-

 

JOEY 

It’s all there in the computer.  What do you think, that the rest of the world is stupid?

 

MARTIN 

Like I said, I’ve got a plane to catch.  Robinson, I want you out of the building.

 

KAREN 

You’ll never get away with this.

 

MARTIN 

Away with what?  Some little dame has a theory that I’ve embezzled money-

 

KAREN 

My father.  My father never embezzled from you, did he?  You set him up.  You set him up to cover your own crimes.

 

JIM 

This is going to look very bad in the audit, Martin.

 

GEORGE 

Where’s my ten million dollars?

 

JIM 

Looks like it’s in South America.  Martin, I’m surprised at you.

 

MARTIN 

I’ll see you, George.  (He starts to exit.)

 

JOEY 

The money’s not in South America, Martin.

 

MARTIN turns around slowly.

 

JOEY 

It’s in my account.  I transferred it about fifteen minutes ago.

 

MARTIN 

You- what?

 

JOEY 

I transferred it back to the United States.  (Indicates the computer.)  On your computer, Martin.

 

MARTIN

That’s illegal!

 

MARY reenters with a gun.

 

MARY 

All right, everybody, hold it!

 

GEORGE 

Jesus Christ, Mary, you’re being stupid.

 

MARY

(Pointing the gun at him) 

When I want your opinion, George, I’ll ask for it!

 

MARTIN is working furiously at the screen. 

 

MARY 

Where’s my money, Martin?

 

MARTIN 

I’m working on it, for Christ’s sake- 

 

MARY

(To JOEY)

And did you sleep with my husband or didn’t you?

 

GEORGE 

It looks like Joey Sanchez has screwed us both.

 

JOEY 

I can clear this up for you, Mary, Martin and Joey have embezzled your money-

 

KAREN 

And they’re framing me!  Just like they framed my father!

 

MARY 

I ought to shoot the lot of you!

 

KAREN 

Mary, put the gun down.  Violence never solved anything.

 

MARY 

Well, it would sure make me feel a hell of a lot better.

 

MARTIN 

There!  The money’s back in your account, Mary, where it belongs.

 

JOEY 

You’re a liar, Martin Snodgrass.  Mary, don’t believe him.

 

MARTIN 

Come on, Mary, let’s go. 

 

MARY

(Threatening him)

Don’t come near me!

 

JIM has crept around behind MARY.  He is about to pounce.  Awkwardly, he grabs her from behind.  She is a feisty thing.

 

JIM 

Quick, somebody, grab the gun!

 

MARY 

Aaah!

 

Everyone jumps in, hoping to either help or wind up with the gun.  They are a tangle of legs and arms and yelling.  Suddenly the door opens, a man stands there, and a shot goes off.  He falls to the floor, face down.  More confusion as everyone scrambles to see what has happened.  MARTIN lifts up the dead man’s head by the hair and looks at his face.

 

MARY 

Who the hell is that?

 

JOEY 

Joey Sanchez.

 

BLACK OUT.

 

 

SCENE 3

 

Everyone sits around the office quietly, rather sheepishly.  In front of them on the floor is JOEY SANCHEZ.

 

GEORGE 

Now, what the hell do we do?

 

MARTIN 

This is your fault, Robinson.  You’re insubordinate.

 

KAREN 

You’re a crook, Snodgrass-

 

MARY

(To GEORGE)

And you’re a cheat!

 

GEORGE 

Murderer!

 

JOEY 

Mayor Bushey!

 

MARY 

And a politician!  Besides, I didn’t pull the trigger!  Jim Black did!

 

JIM 

Me?

 

MARY 

You had the gun!

 

JIM 

I had it, but Karen took it.

 

KAREN 

Only for a second, then Martin took it-

 

MARY 

Whoever fired the gun will have stains on their hands.  They can prove it, I’ve seen it on crime shows.

 

Suddenly everyone runs offstage to the bathroom.  There is the sound of running water and confused voices as they all wash their hands.  After a moment, they come back in, drying their hands on their clothes, etc.

 

GEORGE 

I say we blame Martin.  He’s the biggest crook here.

 

KAREN 

I agree.

 

MARTIN 

I’ll say you were all in on it with me.  You- (pointing at JOEY) you transferred that money into your account, there’s a record of it-

 

JOEY 

I only did that because-

 

MARTIN 

And you (pointing at GEORGE) have Karen Robinson a check for ten thousand dollars, how’s that going to look before the election- (pointing at MARY) and you’re the one that pulled the gun, goddamn it-

 

JIM 

What about me?

 

MARTIN 

You’re a fruit!  And a terrible auditor.  I’m going to complain to your superiors.

 

JIM 

Well, that’s it then.  I guess you’ll all have to go to jail and I’ll have to collect unemployment.

 

JOEY 

Listen, Martin, you’re still the biggest crook in the room, no matter what you say. 

 

JIM 

I’ve got an idea that will take care of everybody.  Martin, you’ve got plane tickets to South America, am I right?

 

MARTIN

So?

 

JIM 

So, we put you and Joey on that plane-

 

MARTIN 

Put a corpse on a plane?

 

JIM 

No one needs to know he’s dead.  We dress him up a bit, put him in a wheelchair.  You two fly to South America, you get off the plane and get into a rental car, claim you were robbed and Joey was shot.  Happens all the time.

 

MARTIN 

That’s the stupidest scheme I’ve ever heard-

 

JIM 

You get the money, Martin, all of it.

 

MARY 

Now, wait a minute-

 

JIM 

It’s a risk.  Mary, do you want to go to jail?

 

MARY 

No, but-

 

JIM 

What do you say, Martin?  You get ten million dollars and we never see you again.

 

GEORGE 

Where’s the money now, Martin?

 

MARTIN 

In Joey Sanchez’ account.  But I have power of attorney.

 

JIM

Then you’re all set.  George and Mary, go with Martin to the airport.  Help him get Sanchez on the plane.  Wait a minute, let’s dress him in my trench coat. 

 

They start to hold up SANCHEZ and put the trench coat on him.

 

Anybody got any sunglasses?

 

GEORGE 

I’ll run down to the lobby and get a wheelchair.  (He exits.)

 

JIM, MARTIN and KAREN work on SANCHEZ.

 

MARY(To JOEY)

I ought to slap you right across the face.

 

JOEY 

God, don’t do that.

 

MARY 

But I like you.  God damn it, I like you.

 

JOEY 

Well, if it makes you feel any better, nothing happened.

 

MARY 

What do you mean, nothing happened?

 

JOEY 

Just what I said.  Nothing happened.  He was a dud.

 

MARY 

Yeah, I know what you mean.

 

JOEY 

Well, one thing happened.

 

MARY 

What’s that?

 

 

JOEY 

He talked about you.  Before he passed out, I mean.  Talked about how much he loved you.

 

MARY 

Oh, sure.

 

JOEY 

That was the problem with him, you know.  That and a fifth of scotch.

 

GEORGE reenters with a wheelchair.

 

GEORGE 

All right, let’s get him in here. 

 

The four of them struggle with SANCHEZ.

 

Mary, you ready?

 

MARY 

Just a minute.

 

She grabs her husband and kisses him passionately.

 

GEORGE 

Wow.

 

MARY 

You ever step out of line again, George, and you’re next.

 

GEORGE 

Ooh, baby!

 

GEORGE and MARY exit.

 

MARTIN 

I still don’t know about this.

 

JIM 

Have a nice flight, Martin.

 

MARTIN

(Pointing his finger)

Just remember.  If anything happens to me, you’re all going down, too.

 

KAREN 

You’re such a gentleman, Martin.

 

MARTIN reluctantly exits.  JIM immediately goes to the telephone and dials.

 

JIM 

Cutter?  Black here.  Get over to the airport.   Martin Snodgrass and Joey Sanchez will be passengers on the one o’clock flight to Buenos Aires.  Make sure they get on all right, no matter what, do you understand?  Mr. Sanchez will need a wheelchair, have one standing by, but don’t let on that you’re expecting them.  Make sure they get through customs without a hitch.  Don’t let me down.

 

JOEY 

What was that all about?

 

JIM 

FBI.  We’ve had our eye on Snodgrass and Sanchez for months.

 

KAREN 

Well, I’ll be damned.

 

JOEY 

You’re in the FBI?

 

JIM 

I’m supposed to keep it a secret.

 

JOEY 

For an FBI agent, you sure miss a lot.

 

JIM 

I was too preoccupied with you.  Oh, Stephanie, I meant what I said.  Will you marry me?

 

JOEY 

We haven’t even had a date if you count the two that never happened.

 

JIM 

I loved you from the first moment I saw you.

 

JOEY 

Yeah, well, you’re still going to have to spring for six months of French restaurants.

 

JIM 

Stephanie, that money, can you transfer it back to Mary’s account?

 

JOEY 

Sure. 

 

KAREN 

Now, what?

 

JIM 

I’ll contact the police in Buenos Aires to arrest Martin at the airport.

 

KAREN 

What if he ditches Joey Sanchez?  What if they can’t connect him?

 

JIM 

That raincoat I was wearing has several grams of cocaine sewn into the lining.  They’ll be looking for it.

 

JOEY 

I can’t transfer the money.  Martin put some kind of lock on it-

 

JIM 

Hmm.  Well, that makes it a bit messier, but perhaps we can-

 

JOEY 

It’s all right.  I mean, it’s in Joey Sanchez’ name.  I’m his heir.

 

KAREN 

What?

 

JOEY 

I’m his daughter.  Illegitimate, of course.

 

KAREN 

Stephanie, I’m so sorry, I-

 

JOEY 

Ah, don’t worry about it.  Who the hell was Joey Sanchez.  Joey Sanchez was an all around bastard.

 

KAREN gets her briefcase and starts to leave.

 

JOEY 

Where are you going?

 

KAREN 

To clear my name.  If people want to believe lies, they might as well get the truth.  Serves them right.

 

She exits.  JIM looks at STEPHANIE with love in his eyes.

 

JIM 

Do I really have a chance?  I mean, I’m not a high paid lawyer or anything…

 

She looks at him with a smile.

 

JOEY

Who wants a lawyer? 

 

She throws her arms around him and kisses him as the lights go down.

 

 

SCENE 4

 

MARY BUSHEY sits at KAREN ROBINSON’S desk, feet up, a drink in her hand.  The lights are low.   The radio plays, a slow song, then a REPORTER speaks.  She turns it up.

 

REPORTER(VO) 

I’m Sam Steffans and this is Front Page News.  I’m with Mayor Bushey who says he has an announcement.

 

GEORGE(VO) 

Thank you, Sam.  As you know,  I hired Karen Robinson, an attorney with Snodgrass, Preston and Andrews to represent me in my divorce.

 

REPORTER(VO) 

This is the same Miss Robinson with whom you are accused of having an affair?

 

 

GEORGE(VO) 

Yes, but that’s why I’m here-  What are you doing here? 

 

REPORTER(VO)

This is unexpected.  We have Karen Robinson.  Miss Robinson, you have been linked romantically with Mayor George Bushey. 

 

KAREN(VO) 

I came to clear up a few things.  And not for the sake of my reputation.  That’s been destroyed, thanks to Martin Snodgrass.  But I have a personal life and I will not have that sabotaged.

 

REPORTER(VO)

So you deny having a sexual relationship with Mayor Bushey.

 

KAREN(VO) 

I do indeed!  I am very much in love with a wonderful person and I will not stand for the media or Martin Snodgrass or anyone to-

 

GEORGE (VO)

Karen, I think it’s better if I explain.  As you know, I engaged Karen Robinson as my lawyer and she is certainly an attractive, dynamic-

 

KAREN(VO) 

I’m a lesbian.

 

A stunned silence.

 

KAREN(VO) 

I said I’m a lesbian.  I’m gay.

 

REPORTER(VO) 

I see.  Mayor Bushey do you have anything to say?

 

GEORGE(VO) 

Well, I’ll be damned.

 

The lights go down.  MARY howls with laughter.

 

 

EPILOGUE

 

KAREN sits at her desk and works.  JOEY enters.

 

JOEY 

Here’s the file.  My God, how do you stand these clients?  I’d rather defend serial killers than negotiate divorce settlements.  Don’t you feel like you get hit in the cross fire?

 

KAREN 

All in a day’s work.

 

JOEY 

It’s late.  I guess I’ll hit the road.  Besides, I’ve got a date with Jim.  We’re going to Chez Henri.

 

 

KAREN 

Ooh, pricey.

 

JOEY 

Oh, I’m paying.

 

KAREN 

You’re paying?

 

JOEY 

Sure, why not?  We take turns.  Besides,  I inherited all that money, remember?

 

 

KAREN 

Didn’t you give it back?

 

JOEY 

Oh, that.  Sure.  But Joey had other money he’d squirreled away.  He was planning to put a hit on Martin, you know, too.  Martin just beat him to it.

 

KAREN

Poor Martin.  I wonder what ever happened to him.

 

JOEY 

Jim won’t tell me.  Says if we don’t know, then he don’t know, then nobody knows.  You know?

 

KAREN

Honey, I don’t know nothing.   I’ve got some more work to do.  Tell the switchboard I’ll pick up the calls while I’m here.

 

JOEY 

Oh, and Karen.  I’m sorry about your dad.

 

KAREN 

He didn’t even know he was alive, Joey.  It’s better this way.

 

JOEY 

Well.  I’ll see you.

 

KAREN 

You know something, you’d make a hell of an attorney.

 

 

JOEY 

That would take all the fun out of it.

 

KAREN 

Out of what?

 

JOEY 

Out of being smarter than the rest of you.  See you tomorrow.

 

GEORGE pops his head in.

 

GEORGE 

Surprise.

 

KAREN 

Oh, Mayor Bushey.

 

GEORGE 

No, just George.

 

JOEY 

Hi, George.

 

GEORGE 

Oh, hi, um, Stephanie. 

 

JOEY 

I was just leaving.

 

GEORGE 

Um, Stephanie, I, uh, well, sorry about everything.

 

JOEY starts to exit, then turns to GEORGE.

 

JOEY 

Hey, George.  (He looks at her.)  The earth moved.  (She winks at him and exits.)

 

KAREN 

I was sorry to hear about the election.

 

GEORGE 

Oh, well.  I can always practice law.

 

 

KAREN 

God, who wants another lawyer?

 

GEORGE 

I’ve been so busy these past weeks, I haven’t had a chance to thank you.  You kind of shook us all up, you know?  Got things out in the open.

 

KAREN 

Is Mary all right?

 

GEORGE 

We’re trying to make things work.  Who knows?

 

KAREN 

Well, I should thank you, too.  With all the publicity about our alleged affair, they made me a partner.  I’m practically famous.

 

GEORGE 

I read in the paper that your father died.

 

KAREN 

Yeah.  But he died an innocent man.

 

GEORGE 

I read that, too.  I’m glad that got cleared up.  You’re a strong woman, Karen.

 

KAREN 

Second in my class at Yale.

 

She gets up and starts to collect her things.

 

GEORGE  I

It can’t be easy for you being, well, you know.

 

KAREN 

Gay?

 

GEORGE 

Well.  

 

KAREN 

You know what, George?  Life is just a matter of coming out of the closet.  For all of us. 

 

GEORGE 

I like it just fine in the closet, thank you very much.   Can I buy you a drink at Johnny’s? (KAREN starts to put on her coat.  GEORGE helps her.)

 

KAREN 

If you promise to tell me all your secrets.  Just between lawyers.

 

GEORGE 

Ah.

 

KAREN 

For example, what were you trying to buy for that ten thousand dollars?

 

GEORGE 

What were you trying to sell by accepting it?

 

KAREN

(Panicked)

George!  Where is that check?

 

GEORGE 

In the closet.  Let’s get the hell out of here.

 

They exit.  Lights go down. 

 

THE END