GANGSTER SCHOOL
One act play
in eight scenes
Maura Campbell, ibsen3000@yahoo.com
233 Crescent Road,
802/578-4857
Opening sequence:
Hiding behind walls/rocks/various other concealments are several gangsters. One jumps out, does a somersault and hides behind something- the next one, gun drawn does the same – one by one the four gangsters athletically, smoothly, dramatically come out of their hiding places only to hide again.
A BEAUTIFUL DOLL walks sexily but nonchalantly onstage. She sits at the center and digs through her purse for something – maybe a cigarette?. One by one the GANGSTERS emerge and in dramatic style they appear at her side and each take out a – rose. She takes the flowers –
walks offstage – they crawl after her.
Several chairs to suggest a classroom. Guys and molls are seated. A teacher enters.
TEACHER
Say, you guys is on time this week. What’s happened, the slammer let you out early or what?
Everybody grunts.
TEACHER
Let’s see if you knuckle heads remember what we talked about last time. Came anybody tell me, or what?
VINNIE
Yeah, I remember.
TEACHER
Vinnie’s gonna tell us what we talked about last time. Go ahead, Vinnie.
VINNIE
Yeah, we was talking about what to do with the body after we blows someone away. Like, should we dump it in the river, or what.
SOPHIE
Nah, the river’s too polluted. Forget the river.
VINNIE
Hey, Sophie, you got soap suds for brains. The stiff aint’ gonna know if the river’s polluted. Probably its polluted because of all the stiffs we throw in.
SALLY
I think we should clean up the rivers, you know? Like, for posterity. I heard it on TV. We should put the stiffs someplace else, that’s being responsible Americans.
FREDDIE
Yeah, like you’re into all that, Sally. You’re always throwing your gum wrappers on the ground.
SALLY
Hey, it’s paper, right? Paper comes from trees. Gawd, you’re not too bright, Freddie.
TEACHER
All right, that’s enough out of yous guys. We’re having a test. Get out your pencils. (He starts passing out tests.)
CHARLIE
Hey, you didn’t say nothing about a test.
TEACHER
Wise up, Charlie. This is school. School means tests.
CHARLIE
I think you should have told us. I haven’t blown anyone away lately. I would have done it if I’d known we was going to have a test.
VINNIE
That was our homework, you knucklehead.
The students all look at the test.
VINNIE
Hey. Listen to this. If a bank robber travels twenty miles to the bank in fifteen minutes and thirty miles to the hideaway with the loot-
SOPHIE
I hate math-
SALLY
Hey, quiet, I’m trying to concentrate-
CHARLIE
He’s going seventy miles an hour. Hey, a bank robber wouldn’t speed, he might get spotted by the cops.
TEACHER
There’s no speed limit in the country where the bank is, you wise guy.
CHARLIE
Where’s that, like Turkey or some place?
TEACHER
It don’t matter-
FREDDIE
You couldn’t go seventy miles an hour in Turkey, the roads are too bad. They ride on camels over there.
SALLY
Oh, yeah? I thought they rode on turkeys.
Everyone laughs at FREDDIE.
TEACHER
That’s enough out of yous guys, I’m gonna flunk the lot of you. Now get to work answering these questions.
EVERYONE works for a minute.
VINNIE(Whispering)
Hey Freddie, what do you got for number 2?
FREDDIE
What do you got for number 1?
VINNIE
I asked you first.
SALLY
Hey, those guys are cheating over there.
General arguing about cheating. Suddenly a police siren goes off. There is a riot as the STUDENTS run about and exit. The lights go down during this time. POLICEMEN enter. They sit down.
POLICEMAN/TEACHER
All right, you knuckle heads. Who remembers what we talked about last week?
POLICEMAN/STUDENT
If a cop drives twenty minutes to a Dunkin Donuts in fifteen minutes-
LIGHTS GO DOWN FAST.
MOLLY, DOLLY and SALLY are putting on make-up, “dolling” themselves up, etc.
DOLLY
Hey, girls, Jimmy’s taking me to the Silver Penguin tonight for dinner. You know, that place where the movie stars hang out.
MOLLY
Gee, Dolly, that’s a real break. Do you suppose you might meet a director?
DOLLY
Well, with my talent-
SALLY
Yeah, with your talent you might get a shot in a B movie.
DOLLY
Hey, I’m a leading lady type. Big Al at the modeling agency said I should get the romantic parts.
SALLY
Big Al doesn’t have a neck. And he’s got rocks inside that big skull of his.
DOLLY
You’re just jealous because you’re not a leading lady type.
MOLLY
Girls, don’t fight. It gives you wrinkles.
DOLLY
I’m telling Jimmy what you said. He’s got influence you know.
SALLY
Yeah, big deal. Jimmy works for Vinnie the Weasel who works for Louis the Claw who dumps stiffs in the river back in Jersey.
DOLLY
That’s all you know. Jimmy got a promotion.
MOLLY
Really, Dolly? Doing what?
DOLLY
Well, you know the cement shoes they puts on the rats before they throws them in the river? Jimmy’s making them.
MOLLY
Jimmy’s making cement shoes? Gee, that sounds important.
DOLLY
That’s why he’s taking me to the Silver Penguin tonight. To celebrate.
MOLLY
You’re lucky, Dolly. If I ever get a boyfriend I hope he’s just like Jimmy.
SALLY
The Silver Penguin, huh? Well, maybe Jimmy is coming up in the world.
DOLLY
I could see if Jimmy has a friend for tonight, Sally.
SALLY
Do you mean that?
DOLLY
Maybe you could meet a director.
SALLY
Gee, I don’t have anything to wear. Molly, what about that green silk thing you got?
MOLLY
My green silk dress?
SALLY
It’ll look killer with my hair. Won’t it look killer Dolly?
DOLLY
Go try it on and I’ll call Jimmy. I’ll tell him if you don’t go, I don’t go.
The two girls exit in a rush. MOLLY calls after them.
MOLLY
Do you think he’s got a friend for me?
She is left alone on stage. She looks into the mirror sadly and the lights go down.
Four characters, prisoner, detective and his two heavies. PRISONER is sitting in a chair; DETECTIVE stands over him; the HEAVIES stand behind, looking grim.
DETECTIVE
All right, wise guy, I’ve got a couple of questions and I want some straight answers.
PRISONER
Yeah, yeah.
DETECTIVE
Where were you on the night of the sixteenth?
PRISONER
I already told you. I was at home.
DETECTIVE
Don’t make me laugh. Any witnesses?
PRISONER
Just me and my cat Fluffy.
DETECTIVE
All right guys (gesturing to the HEAVIES), rough him up.
The two HEAVIES rough up the PRISONER.
DETECTIVE
Now maybe I’ll get some answers. You say you were home. What were you doing?
PRISONER
Watching television.
DETECTIVE
Oh really? And just what were you watching?
PRISONER
Bad Cops and Good Guys.
DETECTIVE
Now I’ve got you. That show is on Tuesdays.
PRISONER
No, it’s on Thursdays. They just changed it.
DETECTIVE
Okay, guys, rough him up.
FIRST HEAVY
Uh, Sarge?
DETECTIVE
Yeah, what is it?
The HEAVY whispers something to him.
All right, so it’s on Thursdays, well, that don’t change nothing. What happened on Bad Cops and Good Guys? Huh?
PRISONER
Ah, you know, the usual, couple of dames got blown away. Sonny went to the slammer.
DETECTIVE
Sonny? Sonny with the blue eyes?
PRISONER
How about a cup of coffee in here?
DETECTIVE
But… but it’s impossible! Sonny has a wife… and two kids…
PRISONER
I’d like a doughnut, too.
SECOND HEAVY
Chocolate or creme filled?
PRISONER
Chocolate, please.
FIRST HEAVY goes off and gets coffee and doughnuts.
DETECTIVE
Sonny had a hard life, but he was getting it together! He had a future!
SECOND HEAVY
I hope you take cream in your coffee.
PRISONER gets up and starts eating with the . DETECTIVE sits down.
DETECTIVE
I’ve got a brother like Sonny, he’s serving five to ten in Sing Sing!
PRISONER
Oh, yeah, what’s he in for?
DETECTIVE
I don’t like to talk about it.
PRISONER
Okay, guys, rough him up.
The two HEAVIES rough up the DETECTIVE. The PRISONER walks off stage.
BLACK OUT.
T THREE POLICEWOMEN
Three policewomen, SANDY, GINNIE, and LOIS. They are staking out a hideout.
Get down, you guys! Geez, do you want him to see us?
GINNIE
I don’t think he’ll coming out, Sandy.
LOIS
He’s been in there a long time.
SANDY
Remember the plan. Ginnie, where’s the bait?
GINNIE
It’s in my pocket.
LOIS
He won’t be able to resist it. Sam is so easy.
SANDY
He might be easy, but he’s still big. And he can be a mean son-of-a-gun.
GINNIE
All right. I’m going in. Cover me.
SANDY and LOIS look very nervous. GINNIE goes forward and puts a package down on the ground near the exit stage left. She runs back. The girls jump behind a stage prop. Their heads peek out one by one. They look, LOIS starts to speak, SANDY puts her hand over her mouth, they hide again. After a moment, they peek out again.
LOIS(Whispering)
I think he’s going for it.
SANDY
How can you tell?
LOIS
I can hear him breathing.
GINNIE
We shouldn’t have to go through this every time he-
LOIS
Look! He’s coming out!
The GIRLS hide again. After a moment, a POLICE DOG comes out on stage and eats the contents of the package. The GIRLS rush up to him.
LOIS/SANDY/GINNIE
Good boy, Sam… You know you’re not supposed to go in there… Don’t you know we’ve got work to do?…
They take him off stage. A moment later, a very pretty female dog runs after them from where SAM was hiding.
BLACK OUT.
A distraught woman, MRS. BAILEY, sits and weeps. Two detectives, SARGENT HOWLAND and AGENT FIELDHOPPER stand over her.
HOWLAND
Mrs. Bailey, try and pull yourself together.
MRS. BAILEY
It was just so terrible, Sergeant Howland. All that screaming-
FIELDHOPPER
That was me screaming, ma’am.
HOWLAND
Yes, that was Agent Fieldhopper screaming, ma’am. He gets excited.
MRS. BAILEY
Did you catch them?
HOWLAND
Fieldhopper here tried, ma’am, didn’t you, Fieldhopper?
FIELDHOPPER
I tried, ma’am. But they hoped across a field before I could get to them.
HOWLAND
Lousy work, Fieldhopper.
FIELDHOPPER
Sorry, Sarge.
MRS. BAILEY
But they took everything I had, Sergeant Howland. What am I supposed to do?
HOWLAND
Do you have any family, Mrs. Bailey?
MRS. BAILEY
Yes, but they live in caves in the south of France.
HOWLAND
Won’t help you here, Mrs. Bailey.
FIELDHOPPER
I’ve got a suggestion, Sergeant.
BAILEY
What’s that, Fieldhopper?
FIELDHOPPER
You know they hopped across that field.
BAILEY
Yes, Fieldhopper.
FIELDHOPPER
Well, they’re carrying a heavy load. They might get tired, Sergeant.
HOWLAND
You don’t mean-
FIELDHOPPER
It’s a big field, Sergeant. They might have dropped a few things. Know what I mean?
HOWLAND
I think I do, Fieldhopper.
MRS. BAILEY
But you already hopped across that field once, Agent Fieldhopper.
FIELDHOPPER
Ai hope to hop across is again, Mrs. Bailey. This time with a abag.
HOWLAND
You plan to bag the booty that the fieldhoppers dropped?
MRS. BAILEY
You’d better take a big bag.
HOWLAND
It’s getting dark. Better take a beagle.
FIELDHOPPER
Let’s see if I’ve got this straight. Me and a beagle are going to hpo across the filed and bag the booty that the fieldhoppers dropped.
MRS. BAILEY
It’s been raining. Better wear boots.
HOWLAND
You could put the booty in the boots if it overflows the bag.
MRS. BAILEY
Put boots on the beagle.
HOWLAND
Thanks, Mrs. Bailey.
FIELDHOPPER
Let’s see if I’ve got this straight. Me and the booted beagle are going to hope across the field and bag the booty that the field hoppers dropped.
HOWLAND
Good work, Fieldhopper.
FIELDHOPPER
There’s just one problem, sir.
HOWLAND
What’s that, Fieldhopper?
FIELDHOPPER
What if the field hoppers boot the booted beagle before we bag the booty?
MRS. BAILEY
Field hoppers are too busy hopping to boot beagles, Fieldhopper.
HOWLAND
Beautiful, Mrs. Bailey!
MRS. BAILEY
Oh, well, thank you. Actually, you see, my mother’s mother was as a Fieldhopper.
FIELDHOPPER
My mother’s mother was a Beagle, Mrs. Bailey
HOWLAND(TO AUDIENCE)
I’m not getting into this one.
He
exits.
MRS. BAILEY
From Birmingham?
FIELDHOPPER
Birmingham, Boston
and
MRS. BAILEY
I know Baileys in
FIELDHOPPER
Beagles began in
BLACK OUT FAST!
MOLLY is asleep. DOLLY and SALLY enter in a rush.
MOLLY
What- what’s wrong?
DOLLY(Crying)
Nothing.
SALLY
She don’t want to talk about it, Molly.
MOLLY
But, did you guys have a good time tonight?
SALLY
She don’t want to talk about it, Molly.
MOLLY
Oh. Well, I watched a movie. One of those (she pauses) gangsters things. You know.
DOLLY bursts out crying.
MOLLY
Why won’t youse guys tell me what happened?
SALLY
It was terrible, Molly, what happened at the Silver Penguin!
DOLLY
Don’t, Sally!
SALLY
There was cops all over the place when we got there! Jimmy ran out-
DOLLY cries some more.
MOLLY
Did they get him? Did the cops get Jimmy?
DOLLY
He got away. Didn’t he get away Sally?
SALLY(Comforting DOLLY)
He got away, Dolly.
DOLLY
And me all dressed up in my finest clothes. Just to watch the cops chasing Jimmy.
A KNOCK at the door.
DOLLY
Oh! Maybe that’s Jimmy!
MOLLY runs and looks out a window.
MOLLY
No, it’s, oh my gosh, it’s…
SALLY
What is it, Molly?
MOLLY It’s the cops!
General panic among the girls.
SALLY
We’re not here. Tell them you haven’t seen us tonight, Molly. Tell them that.
MOLLY
But-
DOLLY
You’ll tell them that if you know what’s good for you!
DOLLY and SALLY rush offstage. Another KNOCK at the door.
MOLLY(Nervously)
Just a minute!
She ties the belt on her robe and smooths her hair. She says a little silent prayer and then opens the door.
POLICEMAN
Sorry to bother you so late, Mrs…
MOLLY
Miss. Miss Maguire.
POLICEMAN
Miss… Maguire. (He smiles at her.) There’s a car parked outside. In a no parking zone. Is that your car?
MOLLY(Looking)
No. Never seen it before.
POLICEMAN
I guess we’ll just have to tow it then.
MOLLY
Oh. Okay.
POLICEMAN:
You sure you don’t know who it belongs to?
MOLLY
No.
POLICEMAN
Well. Goodnight then. Sorry to bother you.
He starts to leave.
MOLLY
POLICEMAN
Haven’t I seen you around before?
MOLLY
Gee, I don’t think so.
POLICEMAN
Yeah, you work at the five and dime. You waited on me. You have a pretty smile. I haven’t seen you in there-
MOLLY
I got a different job. Now I’m working in the office.
POLICEMAN
Oh. Well. Good night.
MOLLY
Good night!
She watches him go. Then he comes back.
POLICEMAN
Say, I get off duty in a few minutes. You want to get some coffee?
MOLLY
Coffee?
POLICEMAN
At the corner. I think it’s still open. I know it’s kind of late-
MOLLY
No! I don’t sleep! I mean, not much.
POLICEMAN
I could meet you there. Say in a half an hour.
MOLLY
Oh. Yes, Officer-
POLICEMAN
Sullivan. Gerry.
MOLLY
Gerry. A half an hour.
He exits. MOLLY smiles dreamily. DOLLY and SALLY reenter.
DOLLY
What did he want? Did he say anything about Jimmy?
MOLLY
What? Oh, no. Just(she trails off, still smiling.)
SALLY
What are you looking so happy about, anyway? You’d think she had a date to the Silver Penguin.
MOLLY
What? Oh, no. I’ve got to get dressed.
She goes offstage as if in a trance. DOLLY and SALLY look after her.
SALLY
Well, what do you suppose is the matter with her?
DOLLY(Looking out the window)
Oh, she’s a little (makes a crazy sign), you know. Hey, Sally!
SALLY comes over to the window.
DOLLY
They’re towing my car!
The two girls run offstage yelling.
DOLLY
Hey, that’s my car, you stupid jerks!
BLACK OUT.
THE DOLLS come out, THE POLICEWOMEN come out, THE GANGSTERS, THE POLICEMEN… all from different parts of the stage – they walk across, eyeing each other suspiciously, or invitingly…
Suddenly a series of gunshots – the CHARACTERS run in all directions, hiding behind various concealments – they pop their
heads out slowly.
One character starts laughing – hard, then harder… He/she emerges with a CD player.
It plays the recording of the gunshots. Then they all come out, relieved. A few slaps on the back, jovial behavior erupts into disagreements, now they are fighting in earnest. A stern voice over the loudspeaker:
TEACHER(VOICEOVER)
You’ve got five seconds to get in your seats!
Faster than possible, they grab chairs and assemble them in classroom fashion.
The TEACHER enters and stands before them.
TEACHER
Okay, who wants to go first? And you’d better have it memorized!
SEVERAL STUDENTS speak at once:
ONE STUDENT
It’s Vinnie’s turn, I did Fieldhopper last week-
ANOTHER STUDENT
I want to play Molly, she’s the most sympathetic-
TWO CHARACTERS confer – they start to trade costumes-
Ad lib on and on as the lights go down.
THE END.