Final Jeopardy

Two acts and epilogue

By Maura Campbell

233 Crescent Road, Burlington, VT 05401

802/660-7906 ibsen3000@yahoo.com

CHARACTERS

CHARLIE/

POLICEMAN Mid-thirties, Hirum and Pearl’s oldest

child.

HIRUM Charlie’s father, rough, gruff,

Yankee fan

PEARL Charlie’s mother, slight southern

Accent

ART Charlie’s uncle, rousing personality

VIOLET Art’s wife, full of fun

DOTTIE Charlie’s sister, hard edged, angry

GRAHAM/POLICEMAN Charlie’s brother, frightened, edgy,

potentially violent.

GRANDPA Charlie’s grandfather, loud, hungry

hard of hearing, lecherous.

GRANDMA Charlie’s grandmother, determined,

Spunky, petite but a tough customer.

SETTING

A living room, neither well appointed or shabby. Bookcases, pictures of CHARLIE as a child on walls, an area rug, end tables, the usual collection of comfortable furnishings. The kitchen is offstage right, the bedrooms are offstage left.

TIME

Midday, present.

ACT 1

SCENE 1

(PEARL is dusting, HIRUM watches the television with interest. (There are several televisions behind it.) He eats from a bowl of popcorn. PEARL places doilies now on the furniture and on the coffee table in front of the couch. HIRUM must look around her to continue watching the television.)

PEARL

There! (She continues to look satisfied.) There! (She looks at HIRUM for a response, gets none. A little louder.) There! (A pause. Then she kicks him and points downstage. Speaks angrily.) There!

HIRUM

(Gets up.)

Where?

PEARL

I’m talking about the doilies.

HIRUM

Huh? (Inspects the one on the coffee table.) Oh. There.

PEARL

He’s coming in a minute and you still haven’t showered.

HIRUM

He’s family. Isn’t he family? Why should I shower?

PEARL

You stink, that’s why.

HIRUM

Charlie won’t care. Charlie smelled me for years.

PEARL

Well, I care. I’ve smelled you for years and I can’t stand it. Not only that, you’ve gotten uglier recently. You never were a prize, but I could at least look at you and not want to gag.

HIRUM

There’s the doorbell.

PEARL

What?

(The DOORBELL RINGS.)

PEARL

Oh, it’s him. Now get ready. (She runs and turns off the lights.) Like we practiced, remember?

HIRUM

Got it.

PEARL

We’ll yell “surprise” at the same time.

(The DOORBELL RINGS again.)

HIRUM

I’m ready.

(They run and hide behind a piece of furniture.)

He’ll really be surprised, won’t he?

PEARL

Sh. He’ll hear us.

(They wait. The DOORBELL RINGS again.)

HIRUM

We didn’t practice that part.

PEARL

What part?

HIRUM

How’s he going to get in? I’ll yell “come in.”

PEARL

No, he’ll hear you and it will ruin the surprise.

HIRUM

Why will it ruin the surprise, doesn’t he know we live her? I mean, aren’t we his parents?

PEARL

That’s just great.

(She gets up and turns on the lights.)

You spoil everything. I should have known.

(The DOORBELL RINGS again.)

HIRUM

(Still in hiding)

We didn’t rehearse getting the goddamned door open.

PEARL

Now you’re swearing. That’s all you think of me.

HIRUM

Ugly people swear. It’s how we cope with being ugly.

PEARL

Your only son out there in the hall.

HIRUM

I have two sons.

PEARL

I’m not counting him. He doesn’t count. He was an accident.

(The DOORBELL RINGS again.)

HIRUM

You’d better answer it.

PEARL

Why should I?

HIRUM

Because I can’t get up. I think I’ve thrown out my back.

PEARL

That’s just great. Now I’ll have to wait on you, too. Well, you can starve for all I care.

(The DOORBELL RINGS TWICE. HIRUM begins to crawl toward the door.)

HIRUM

Oh, for Christ’s sake.

PEARL

No you don’t.

(She grabs his legs.)

HIRUM

Let me go.

PEARL

You’re just trying to make me look bad. I’ll get the door.

(She crawls toward the door; it is a race on all fours to the door. There is a wrestling match next; finally PEARL bites HIRUM.)

HIRUM

Ow! Ow, ow, ow!

PEARL

Oh, stop it.

HIRUM

I’m hurt. I’m really hurt.

PEARL

One little bite. How much could it hurt? It’s not like I’m a tiger or anything.

HIRUM

(Gets up)

You’re a vicious woman. I can’t believe I married you. And then the bout with colitis I nursed you through. And then you bite me.

PEARL

I bit you on our honeymoon and you loved it.

(The DOORBELL RINGS THREE TIMES.)

HIRUM

That was a nibble! This is a bite!

PEARL

It is not.

HIRUM

Is too!

PEARL

Is not. I bit you on the ankle.

HIRUM

What?

PEARL

Look. Hm. Must be the other one. There it is. Lipstick marks and everything.

HIRUM

Oh. All right then.

PEARL

(Exhausted, sits on couch.)

Why does everything have to be so hard?

HIRUM

I overreacted. I’m sorry.

PEARL

I try and plan a little surprise party for our only son and I have to go through this.

HIRUM

It’s entirely my fault.

PEARL

I- married you.

HIRUM

Yes, you did.

PEARL

I didn’t have to.

HIRUM

I know. That’s what everyone said. “She doesn’t have to do this.”

PEARL

God knows it wasn’t for the sex.

HIRUM

Hm.

PEARL

I mean, we’ve had sex, what, three times?

HIRUM

Technically.

PEARL

And got three children out of it.

HIRUM

If you count all three.

PEARL

That last one was your fault. I was tiling the shower.

HIRUM

I take full responsibility.

(There is now a POUNDING ON THE DOOR.)

PEARL

Oh, for Christ’s sake, let him in.

HIRUM

Listen. I’ll turn out the lights. You hide back there again.

(He grabs a book.)

I’ll open the door, hit him over the head, drag him inside, and when he comes to, we jump up and yell surprise.

(The door opens. CHARLIE enters.

HIRUM hits him over the head with the book. CHARLIE drops to the floor.)

HIRUM

Surprise!

BLACK OUT.

ACT 1, SCENE 2

(The lights come back up. CHARLIE is on the couch. PEARL holds an ice bag to his head. HIRUM watches television.)

PEARL

How’s that now?

CHARLIE

My God, what happened?

PEARL

I’ve called the police, they should be here in a few minutes.

CHARLIE

Am I in trouble?

PEARL

He’s a monster. He’s always been a monster.

HIRUM

Oh, for Christ’s sake, Pearl, it’s just a little bump on the head. What about that bite on my leg?

PEARL

It’s on your ankle and it’s just a nibble.

CHARLIE

I don’t think I know you.

PEARL

You must be hungry.

CHARLIE

My head hurts.

PEARL

We’re having cake later. After the fondue. Everyone’s coming, your sister, your Aunt Violet and Uncle Art, even your grandparents are coming.

HIRUM

What about Graham?

PEARL

Who?

HIRUM

The tiling accident.

PEARL

I couldn’t talk him out of it. He’s coming, too.

Now, don’t say anything about your sister’s weight. Just try to be cheerful.

CHARLIE

If you could just help me to the door, I must have a car outside-

PEARL

Don’t be ridiculous. We’re proud of you, Charlie. Aren’t we proud, Hirum?

HIRUM

(Eyes on the TV)

Damned Yankees.

PEARL

He only watches the Yankees so he can swear. He’s not a gentleman, Charlie. In the south a man would never speak like that in front of a lady. My mother fainted when she found out I was engaged to a northerner. You’re a half-breed, Charlie. There’s nothing I can do about it now. Except pray.

(The DOORBELL RINGS.)

HIRUM

There’s the cops.

CHARLIE

Cops? (Gets up.)

PEARL

Charlie, sit back down. You’ve had a concussion. Hirum, you go talk to them. Explain everything.

HIRUM

They’re here to arrest me, for God’s sake. What makes you think they’ll listen to me?

PEARL

I can’t leave Charlie. You’ll have to do it.

HIRUM

I’m watching the damned Yankees here!

CHARLIE

I think, yes, I remember I sent you a letter-

PEARL

About the prize! Oh, Charlie, what a day this is.

And the television cameras? Are they coming, too?

HIRUM

(Gets up)

That’s it.

(He picks one of the various rifles from the wall.)eHe

CHARLIE

Did you say the cops were here?

(The DOORBELL RINGS TWICE.)

HIRUM

I’ll handle this all right.

CHARLIE

My God, put that down!

PEARL

Let him do it. Bang, bang. Maybe then we’ll get rid of him once and for all.

CHARLIE

Look, I’ll explain things.

HIRUM

A man’s home is his castle.

CHARLIE

Right. You’re the king. You don’t have anything to

prove. Let me have the gun.

(He takes the rifle away.)

HIRUM

Ah, what the heck.

(He whacks CHARLIE on the head, a “friendly” whack. Then looks at the television and, with great interest, sits back down and watches. Eats some popcorn.

Now a LOUD BANGING ON THE DOOR. HIRUM continues to watch television, PEARL gestures to CHARLIE that he open the door.

He almost opens the it, realizes he is holding the rifle, puts it down, and opens it.

ART and VIOLET are standing there. VIOLET holds a cake.)

VIOLET

Aaaah!

(She shoves the cake in CHARLIE’ face.)

Surprise!

PEARL

Oh! Oh, Violet! What are you doing? Charlie, are you all right?

VIOLET

Well!

ART

(Slapping CHARLIE on the back)

Well done, son. Well, well-

VIOLET

Well!

ART

Glad to be home, Charlie?

CHARLIE

My head-

PEARL

What’s the matter with you?

VIOLET

You said it was a surprise and you said to bring a cake so I thought-

ART

She’s been waiting for years to do this, Pearl, (shaking his finger at PEARL) you should have known!

VIOLET

At least it’s chocolate.

CHARLIE

Maybe a towel-

PEARL

Oh course, dear.

(To her husband.)

You’re no help!

(She exits to kitchen.)

HIRUM

They’ve been paid off.

ART

Who’s playing?

VIOLET

Charlie, you’ll have to excuse me. I’m old and besides I’m not terribly bright.

(CHARLIE slumps to the floor.)

VIOLET

I’m not a blood relative. Artie there, he’s the one who’s related. There should be some comfort in that.

ART

I once tried out for bat boy. New Jersey Angels. But my feet were no good.

HIRUM

Sh!

PEARL

(Reenters)

Here you go, dear.

She holds a plate under his face and scrapes the cake off with a sharp knife.

We’ll save this piece for what’s-his-name.

VIOLET

Where’s the bride? Where’s the little woman?

PEARL

What are you talking about?

VIOLET

The bride. Isn’t Charlie getting married?

PEARL

Of course not.

ART

I told you, Violet. She’s not very bright, Pearl.

HIRUM

Would you shut up?

PEARL

We’re celebrating Charlie’s big prize. He’s won something very, very big. And a television crew is coming and everything.

VIOLET

I’m going to be on television?

PEARL

No one deserves it like our Charlie.

CHARLIE

Do you suppose I could use the bathroom? To clean up?

PEARL

Oh, there’s no water, Charlie. And your father won’t call a plumber.

CHARLIE

No water at all?

VIOLET

If you had a bride it would be no problem-

(The DOORBELL RINGS.)

CHARLIE

Oh, God.

PEARL

What if it’s them? Hirum? Hirum?

HIRUM

Hm?

PEARL

It’s the door again. We can’t let Charlie answer it. It’s not safe.

HIRUM

He’s out. He’s out of there! Oh, for God’s sake, the catcher had his goddamned foot on the bag!

ART

They’re calling him safe.

HIRUM

You got to be kidding me. You got to be kidding me.

PEARL

Hirum!

HIRUM

That’s it.

(He gets up and kicks in the television.)

ART

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

PEARL

Now you’ve done it.

VIOLET

What a temper. I don’t now where he gets it.

ART

They reversed it, see?

(HIRUM and ART race to look closely at the screen before it goes to black.)

HIRUM

They reversed it.

(The DOORBELL RINGS TWICE.)

ART

How do you like that?

HIRUM

I’ll be damned. I’ve never seen that before.

PEARL

That’s six televisions this year. And we still have no water.

HIRUM

Now what am I going to do? No TV.

VIOLET

There’s cake.

ART

I hate baseball anyway.

(Sees CHARLIE and goes over to him.)

Let me be the first to shake your hand. Well done, son. Well done. Now, uh, what was it you did?

CHARLIE

I think I need a doctor.

ART

Once I won a pink tiger. Didn’t I Violet?

VIOLET

Yes, but it wasn’t real, Art.

ART

Of course it wasn’t real. Tigers aren’t pink.

(POUNDING on the door.)

HIRUM

Is someone going to get that?

PEARL

I always knew Charlie would do something big. Didn’t I always say that, Vi?

VIOLET

You used to say, “That Charlie, look out one day!” And sometimes you said, “Brand spanking new.” That was my personal favorite.

HIRUM

I’ll get it. You folks just relax.

(He looks through the peephole.)

PEARL

As if anybody could after what you did.

ART

I think this calls for a drink. Charlie?

(An arrow comes in the window.)

HIRUM

Quick! Grab the couch! Damned Indians from next door!

(HIRUM, ART and VIOLET drag the couch over to the front door to brace it.)

VIOLET

That’s not PC, Hirum.

HIRUM

PC?

ART

Politically correct. You can’t call Native Americans Indians.

HIRUM

Who said I was talking about the Native Americans? Indian couple moved next door last month. Sells life insurance.

(ART picks up the rubber tipped

arrow.)

ART

Hah! No point.

PEARL

They got in last week so Hirum’s not taking any chances.

ART

How about that martini?

PEARL

Art, I thought you knew.

ART

Knew what?

PEARL

Hirum and I, well… No more martinis. Doctor’s orders.

ART

I don’t understand.

HIRUM

Just give him a martini, Pearl.

PEARL

No, Hirum. We made a deal. If we don’t drink in this house, nobody does.

ART

How about a Manhattan, then?

PEARL

Nothing, Art.

VIOLET

Go on, Charlie, tell us your good news.

CHARLIE

I’m bleeding. There’s blood coming out of my ear.

PEARL

And he didn’t even go to college. Lots of schools wanted him, of course.

CHARLIE

Can I use the telephone?

PEARL

Would you listen to this boy? He never was conceited, was he, Violet?

VIOLET

A little fat once, but never conceited.

ART

How about I make the martinis?

HIRUM

That’s a fine idea.

(ART exits to kitchen.)

CHARLIE

VIOLET

Oh, that reminds me.

(She gets a camera out of her purse.)

I promised your grandparents I’d take some pictures.

How about everybody on the couch? Pearl, you sit next to Charlie, Hirum, maybe you should stand. You look so impressive when you’re standing. Where’s Art?

PEARL

I haven’t even combed my hair.

HIRUM

Don’t worry about it, you look blah,blah,blah, Pearl.

ART

(Enters carrying a tray with cocktails.)

Drinks all around! Oh, pictures, too. Very fancy.

PEARL

You sit next to Charlie, there, Art.

ART

Delighted.

CHARLIE

I think there might be something wrong with my heart. It’s kind of flipping.

VIOLET

(Aiming the camera)

Ready? Say cheese.

PEARL

But this is not good, Violet. You’re not in the picture.

VIOLET

Oh, phooey. Never mind about me.

PEARL

No, no, no, Hirum, get a pedestal for the camera. She’s got to be in it, too.

HIRUM

(Stomping off)

That’s why I’m standing, so I can go fetch a goddamned-

CHARLIE

Please, let me lie down.

ART

You’re it, old boy. You’re in the center. The center of things, so to speak. We wouldn’t even bother with this if it wasn’t for you. Just have a few drinks, tell a few stories, maybe pinch the women-

HIRUM

(Setting a pedestal down by VIOLET)

How’s this?

VIOLET

A little low, I think.

HIRUM

(Reassuming his position by the couch)

It’ll have to do.

PEARL

Come on, Violet. We’ll just slouch a bit.

(VIOLET sits next to PEARL, looking very unsure.)

ART

On the count of three, we’ll say cheese. Ready?

VIOLET

I think our heads will be cut off.

(They all slouch some more until they have almost slid off the couch. HIRUM lays down across the back of the couch. At this moment, DOTTIE crawls through the open window to the left of the couch. She is heavily made up and dresses in very tight, skimpy clothes, high heels, and long blonde hair.)

ART

One… two… three…

EVERYONE

Cheese!

(Nothing happens. The camera does not have a timer.)

ART

Let’s try that again. One… two… three…

EVERYONE

Cheese!

DOTTIE

Fromage.

(Everyone turns and looks at her. The two couples run and hide out of sight. Only CHARLIE remains in his seat. DOTTIE looks CHARLIE over, amused.)

DOTTIE

Hello.

CHARLIE

Do you have a car?

ART

Try one of my martinis.

DOTTIE

God, that’s bad. What’s in it?

ART’S VOICE

Didn’t have vermouth. Had to use soy sauce.

(CHARLIE dials up his cell; no reception.)

VIOLET

She doesn’t look Indian.

DOTTIE

I’m your niece, Dottie. Where’s Mother?

PEARL’S VOICE

I’m here, dear.

DOTTIE

Where’s Graham?

PEARL’S VOICE

Who?

DOTTIE

Nothing changes. All right, come out, come out, wherever you are.

(Everyone comes out, also greatly relieved, except HIRUM.)

VIOLET

Dottie, darling girl, you darling girl. Art, doesn’t she look just like my mother?

ART

I never met your mother.

VIOLET

She was at our wedding. In the spotted dress.

ART

Spotted dress? That was her?

PEARL

Dottie, you’ve put on more weight. Get me a bathroom scale, Charlie. Let’s weigh her in.

DOTTIE

Mother, please!

PEARL

Fat as a little pig. It’s not becoming, you know. You’ll never find a man looking like that.

DOTTIE

I’m a lesbian, Mother. I don’t like men.

VIOLET

What’s this about being a lesbian? Is it some kind of joke?

PEARL

Don’t listen to a word she says. She’ll do anything to avoid a diet.

VIOLET

Are you a butch, dear?

PEARL

How are you feeling, dear?

CHARLIE

Better. You know, everyone… I’m thinking this isn’t a very good idea today. Actually, I just remembered an appointment at two o’clock.

PEARL

You can’t… you can’t leave.

CHARLIE

How about tomorrow? Or next Saturday?

(He is inching his way to the door.)

VIOLET

I was a lesbian once. During college. But it was too messy so I gave it up.

PEARL

Hirum? Where’s he got to now? Charlie wants to leave!

HIRUM’S VOICE

It’s the old back again. Can’t stand up.

(PEARL guards the door.)

PEARL

Hirum, can’t you talk to him?

(HIRUM crawls out from behind a piece of furniture.)

VIOLET

Oh! Horsy!

(She gets on him. In the ruckus, they knock CHARLIE over.)

DOTTIE

You’re both disgusting.

VIOLET

I’m just a kid at heart.

PEARL

I remember when he used to crawl around like that years ago. When you kids were little. “Ride ‘em cowboy,” you used to yell, Charlie. And then he’d flip you off and you’d hit your head. Every time.

CHARLIE

I’ve really got to be going!

PEARL

Please! Please, just a little while. I’m making your favorite dinner. Just like you like.

HIRUM

Give him twenty dollars.

ART

(Reenters with tray)

Drinks all around.

(ART swings the tray and knocks

CHARLIE across the jaw.)

VIOLET

What’s in it?

ART

Well, I found the vermouth. Behind the Saltines.

VIOLET

I mean, what’s floating in it?

ART

Anchovy. Out of olives, I’m afraid.

PEARL

I love anchovies. How about a nice toast? To Charlie, in honor of his great accomplishment.

EVERYONE

Hear, hear (and) bravo, hip-hip hooray, (etc.)

DOTTIE

Oh, what a load of crap. Let him go, Mother. Who needs him?

VIOLET

Now, Dottie, you’re spoiling things.

PEARL

Why did you come? Why did you even come?

DOTTIE

Because you invited me.

PEARL

I didn’t invite you. I don’t even know your phone number.

DOTTIE

Someone invited me. Look.

(She takes a piece of paper out of her pocket and hands it to PEARL.)

PEARL

“Great savings on winter boots…”

DOTTIE

You don’t think I’m smart enough to read between the lines?

HIRUM

Would someone help me up? I think I can stand if someone would help me up.

PEARL

Charlie, help your father. Go on. Help him like you always did.

(CHARLIE struggle to his feet, then goes and helps HIRUM.)

VIOLET

What a party. Reminds me of our wedding. Only you were the one on the floor, Art.

(A POLITE KNOCK on the door.)

ART

We played games at our wedding, Violet. It wasn’t anything like this.

VIOLET

We did, didn’t we. Spin the bottle, wasn’t it?

ART

Russian roulette, actually.

VIOLET

Oh, yes. Spin the bullet thing. That’s how we got rid of Mother.

ART

Oh, that spotted dress.

VIOLET

She never could resist a competition.

(More KNOCKING, more insistent.)

PEARL

It’s just the police. Remember I called. But we don’t need them now. The crisis has passed.

DOTTIE

Police?

HIRUM

It was a misunderstanding. Some things are better left unsaid.

ART

I’ll talk to them. Good cop, bad cop, I know the whole routine. Leave things to me.

(LOUD KNOCKING now.)

VIOLET

Hold your horses. First we’ve got to hide the murder weapon.

PEARL

Violet!

VIOLET

And the drugs! Got to flush them down the toilet!

LOUDSPEAKER

Open up, it’s the police!

DOTTIE

I’ve waited my whole life to hear those words.

(HIRUM runs and grabs a rifle.

He nods at CHARLIE to open the

door.)

LOUDSPEAKER

Move away from the door.

CHARLIE

For heaven’s sake, someone help me move this-

(The door opens, a gun is pointed. A GUNSHOT, CHARLIE is hit. He falls to the floor. Commotion abounds. The door is pushed open wide. POLICEMAN/GRAHAM enters with a gun. CHARLIE moans in pain.)

POLICEMAN/GRAHAM

All right, nobody move.

PEARL(TO HIRAM)

Now see what you’ve done?

HIRAM

Why is it always me?

POLICEMAN/GRAHAM

Back away. Hands up.

(He motions with his gun. Everyone rounds up except CHARLIE, still on the floor.)

VIOLET

Can you talk, dear?

CHARLIE

I’m hit. In the stomach, I think.

DOTTIE

For God’s sake, call an ambulance. Give me that pillow.

(VIOLET, making as little movement as possible, throws it from the couch.)

POLICEMAN/GRAHAM

I want you all to remain with your hands up.

DOTTIE

Yeah? So shoot me then. Art, get me a glass of water. And a hot towel.

ART

Right!

(Grabs the martini pitcher and exits.)

POLICEMAN/GRAHAM

I’m in charge here.

DOTTIE

Dad, I need a blanket.

(HIRUM, still bent over, exits stage left.)

POLICEMAN/GRAHAM

(Waving his gun)

Don’t make me use this!

DOTTIE

Mother, the first aid kit.

POLICEMAN/GRAHAM

I’m going to count to three.

PEARL

Now let me see…

POLICEMAN/GRAHAM

One…

DOTTIE

Don’t try to move…

POLICEMAN/GRAHAM

Two…

PEARL

I had it out last week when Hirum got mixed up with that porcupine…

(She exits to kitchen.)

ART

(Reenters with martini pitcher)

Drinks all around!

POLICEMAN/GRAHAM

Can you all behave as if you’re under arrest?

CHARLIE

Please, everyone.

DOTTIE

Don’t speak, Charlie.

VIOLET

Artie, remember that bat, what a time we had catching it?

ART

Bat shit all over the house. I’m still cleaning it up.

(DOTTIE tries to move CHARLIE – he

moans in pain.)

DOTTIE

I’m trying to help you here! Christ, that’s all the thanks-

CHARLIE

Just… leave me alone…

DOTTIE

Go ahead and… bleed, then.

(She grabs the pitcher of martinis from ART and a glass. She sits down on the couch, legs crossed.)

PEARL

(Enters with first aid kit)

I found it! I found it! Under the sink. Where’s the patient?

POLICEMAN/GRAHAM

Sorry, ma’am. I’ve got some questions to ask first. Police procedure.

PEARL

Oh. All right.

POLICEMAN/GRAHAM

(To CHARLIE)

I’m afraid you’ll have to get on the couch. I can’t question you on the floor.

CHARLIE

I’m sorry, I…

VIOLET

Give me your hand, dear.

POLICEMAN/GRAHAM

Sorry, lady. I need to see him move unaided.

VIOLET

Well, that’s silly. He’s been shot. Haven’t you, dear?

POLICEMAN/GRAHAM

I have no evidence of that, ma’am. Sir? If you’d get up, please, and move over there.

CHARLIE

I’ll try.

ART

(To CHARLIE)

Perhaps a martini first.

CHARLIE

No, it’s…

DOTTIE

Come on, Charlie. You can do it. Big cheese and all.

CHARLIE

(Struggling to get up)

I… uh.

PEARL

Reminds me of the first day he ever walked. Oh, what a darling you were, Charlie!

CHARLIE

Oh, god, help me…

PEARL

(Hands outstretched, as if to a baby)

Come to mama, bay-by boo-bee…

(CHARLIE is on his feet, but doubled over in pain. He walks with great difficulty towards PEARL.)

CHARLIE

(Delirious, taking a final step to her)

Mom?

(He falls forward and she gets out of the way and he falls to the floor.)

PEARL

Oh, I used to love that game! Dottie, you were never any good at it. Too fat.

DOTTIE

I weigh a hundred and twelve!

PEARL

In which foot!

POLICEMAN/GRAHAM

You are all under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. If you give up your right-

DOTTIE

Do you hear that mother? You have the right to shut your fucking mouth!

POLICEMAN/GRAHAM

…anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law…

PEARL

That’s the limit. Fat and foul mouthed. You get it from your father, not from me.

VIOLET

(Goes up to POLICEMAN/GRAHAM)

What happens next?

POLICEMAN/GRAHAM

You have the right to an attorney.

VIOLET

Attorney?

(A KNOCK on the door.)

VIOLET

Artie, did you hear that? We have the right to an attorney.

ART

Splendid!

HIRUM

(Reenters)

There’s not a blanket in the house. I found a tube of Ben-Gay.

PEARL

Well, better than nothing.

(Begins to rub the Ben-Gay on CHARLIE.)

POLICEMAN/GRAHAM

The next one who speaks gets a bullet!

(EVERYONE quiets down.)

POLICEMAN/GRAHAM

Now, I drove all the way over here to conduct an investigation and by God, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Now, I’ve read you your rights-

(ART puts his hand up in a friendly fashion.)

ART

May I? I’m representing these people.

POLICEMAN/GRAHAM

And who are you?

ART

Artemus P. Earhart, Esquire.

POLICEMAN/GRAHAM

You are under arrest too.

ART

That doesn’t mean I can’t defend my clients.

(The SOUND OF A BOMB offstage.)

PEARL

May I speak? I’m all for Art defending us. He did a good job on that case with the sheep.

VIOLET

That was his first case, too.

DOTTIE

What’s the charge?

ART

My point exactly.

POLICEMAN/GRAHAM

I’m afraid I can’t disclose that at this point in the investigation.

(TAP-TAP-TAP at the door. EVERYBODY looks.)

POLICEMAN/GRAHAM

Stand back.

(EVERYBODY stands back. The door opens. AN EXPLOSION OF SMOKE.

GRANDPA and GRANDMA stand in the doorway. She holds a walker, he holds a half eaten chicken carcass on a tray. He is attached to an IV pole.)

GRANDPA

Thanks for locking us in the car, Artie. Grandma here

had to set off a bomb. Second time this month.

POLICEMAN/GRAHAM

I’m afraid you can’t come in. This is a crime scene.

PEARL

Oh, for heaven’s sake. Art, have they been in the car all this time?

ART

I gave them both a sedative this morning, I thought

they’d sleep.

POLICEMAN/GRAHAM

Now the crime scene is contaminated.

GRANDPA

It’s my pants that are contaminated. Winnie, you’ll

have to change me again.

GRANDMA

Just sit in it, you old mule. I’m watching Jeopardy.

(GRANDMA goes over to the couch

and sits.)

POLICEMAN/GRAHAM

All right, line up over there. All of you.

(Everyone moves to the other side of the room.)

DOTTIE

I’m not standing next to Grandpa!

POLICEMAN/GRAHAM

Quiet! I have in my possession an eye witness drawing

of the crime.

(He takes out a piece of paper.)

Do I need to go further, or are one of you ready to confess?

VIOLET

You’ll have to beat it out of me!

PEARL

I want to make a phone call. Don’t I get to make a phone call?

ART

That’s right. Give her the phone. She knows her rights.

(Everyone concurs.)

POLICEMAN/GRAHAM

Don’t anybody move! You (gesturing to GRANDMA). Get

the phone for the lady.

GRANDPA

Get a move on, Winnie. He means business.

(GRANDMA gets her walker in gear and goes to get the phone. She comes up behind POLICEMAN/GRAHAM and clunks him on the head. She returns to the couch.)

ART

I’m afraid this isn’t going to look very good in court.

(DOTTIE grabs the gun and aims it at POLICEMAN/GRAHAM.)

DOTTIE

You with your laws, with your patrols, with your regulations. Where we you when my mother locked me in a closet for two days?

PEARL

I was just trying to get that ten pounds off you, dear.

DOTTIE

Or the nights my father didn’t come home. Or the nights he did come home.

HIRUM

Well, this is a bunch of crap if you ask me. Dottie, put down that goddamned gun before I take you over my knee. Charlie, get up off the floor and straighten your shirt. Graham, you can’t go around impersonating an officer, it’s against the law. I’m going to finish the ballgame.

DOTTIE

If you move, I’ll shoot. I’ll shoot!

(She shoots at HIRAM. The gun only “clicks.” In a rage she throws it at him. It lands near the couch. GRANDMA picks it up.)

DOTTIE

Graham, can’t you do anything right?

ART

Drinks all around!

(He exits to kitchen. PEARL helps CHARLIE sit up, then helps him move against a wall stage right and rather props him up.)

CHARLIE

Please, you’ve got to help me…

GRAHAM

I didn’t… did I shoot you?

CHARLIE

Please!

PEARL

Of course I’ll help you, Charlie, goodness sake, I’m your mother, aren’t I?

GRAHAM

It wasn’t loaded. I would never have loaded it. It was a game I was playing. Just a game.

VIOLET

You did a good job, Graham. You had me fooled. Oh, you’re a cracker.

(HIRUM snatches the control from GRANDMA.)

HIRUM

I’m watching the Yankees here. Do you mind?

(GRANDMA lunges for HIRUM. There

is a big tussle on the couch. HIRUM

yells to PEARL.)

HIRUM

I told you this would happen, didn’t I? Not five minutes

And already- Ow! Jesus, that’s my kidneys!

ART

(Enters with more martinis)

Try one of these. Ah! Charlie. How about a refill?

CHARLIE

An ambulance, please, if you could call an ambulance-

GRAHAM

Can somebody call an ambulance?

(GRAHAM crawls around looking for the phone. He finds it, picks it up; it is broken.

DOTTIE, ART, VIOLET and PEARL

surround the wrestling couple,

cheering. GRANDPA gnaws his chicken.)

DOTTIE
Get him, Grandma! Kick him!

ART

Come one, old boy, you can do better than that!

VIOLET

Oh, I do love a good fight! Artie, I’ve got twenty bucks

on Grandma.

ART

I’d be a fool to bet against her, Vi.

(GRAHAM finds DOTTIE’S purse and

rummages around. He pulls out a

cell phone.)

GRAHAM(ON CELL)

Yes, it’s an emergency… a man’s been shot…

(PEARL gives GRAHAM a karate chop.

He falls to the ground.)

PEARL

You can’t use a cell phone when Grandpa’s in the room! He’s got a pace maker!

(GRANDMA has HIRUM in a half nelson

hold.)

HIRUM

Okay. You win. Listen. I’ll make you a deal.

GRANDMA

It better be good.

HIRUM

I’ll get another TV. We can both watch. Huh?

GRANDMA

No sound on yours. I don’t want to hear that ball game.

HIRUM

Jesus, Grandma, we’ve got to work together here.

(She tightens her hold.)

Okay, okay, no sound. Jesus.

(She loosens her grip. HIRUM untangles himself. GRAHAM gets up and picks up CHARLIE with great difficulty. He moves toward the door.)

HIRUM

Jesus.

(Hirum gets off the couch and begins

to exit.)

GRANDMA

All right, show’s over.

(She waves everyone off. She straightens her dress and stares at the screen.)

VIOLET

Grandpa, you’ve been chewing on that carcass for three days. How about I make you a nice tuna sandwich?

GRANDPA

Tuna, hah! Last time you gave me cat food!

PEARL

Now, that’s silly, Grandpa. Violet and Artie don’t have

a cat.

VIOLET

Honestly, Grandpa and Grandma act like we’re trying to

poison them. I can’t wait until the day they drop dead.

We provide a home for them, shelter-

GRANDPA

Broke up my poker game. I used to have friends!

ART

Complain, complain. We’ve had fun. Haven’t we had

fun, Grandma?

GRANDPA

Don’t answer him, Winnie. It’s a trap.

VIOLET

We’ve had plenty of fun, Artie.

(They kiss. HIRUM enters carrying another TV. He puts it next to the broken one and plugs it in the wall.)

HIRUM

Get a room you two! Graham, what the hell are you doing

with Charlie?

GRAHAM

He’s dying. I’m taking him to the hospital.

PEARL

On his special day? You’re a vicious, jealous brat. Put him down. Put him down this minute! Hirum!

GRAHAM

Dottie, take the keys from my pocket and bring my car around.

HIRUM

Any old mess and I’m expected to clean it up! Can’t you see I’m holding a television! Can’t you see I can’t do two things at once!

(HIRUM takes the TV and sets it

up next to the other one. ART

assists him.)

GRAHAM

Dottie!

DOTTIE

I don’t drive, Graham, ‘like mother, like daughter’, (sotto voce)“a hundred bottles of beer on the wall…”

(PEARL locks the door.)

PEARL

Now I said, put him down!

VIOLET

(to GRAHAM)

Remember when I used to tickle you?

GRAHAM

Don’t, Aunt Violet!

DOTTIE

Aunt Violet, leave him alone.

VIOLET

Oh, come on. What’s a little tickle?

(She pokes at him.)

Coochie, coochie, coo! The tickling machine is coming…

GRANDPA

Check his pockets, Vi. I’ll bet he’s got some pictures in there.

GRAHAM

Dottie, stop her!

VIOLET

The tickling machine is coming!

PEARL

Dottie, you look a mess. Come in the kitchen and wash

your face. You’ve got mascara smeared everywhere.

DOTTIE

Leave me alone!

PEARL

Nothing ever changes. I see you’re going to be stubborn.

VIOLET

The tickling machine is here!

(She tickles GRAHAM mercilessly. He drops CHARLIE. VIOLET steps on CHARLIE as she chases GRAHAM out of the room and they both exit. PEARL grabs DOTTIE by the hair and pulls her into the kitchen. CHARLIE doesn’t move.)

HIRUM

Yankees are up by one.

GRANDMA

No sound out of you, either.

GRANDPA

Finally, a little peace and quiet. Anybody want the skin?

GRANDMA

“Who is ‘Genghis Khan’?

HIRAM

No way, Jose! He was tagged!

ART

How do you see these things? It’s all a cloud of dust to me. Swing, bam, slide… What’s the secret to it?

HIRUM

They’ve been paid off! Goddamned sons of bitches-

GRANDMA

“What is ‘the Caspian Sea’?

GRANDPA

I want some milk. None of that two percent crap, either.

Christ, next I’ll have to buy my own cow. Winnie, could you get up off your ass and get me some milk?

GRANDMA

Commercial break. All right, you old fool. (To HIRUM.)

You touch my set and you’re a dead man.

(She gets up and gets her walker

and makes her way toward the kitchen.)

HIRUM

You see that batter, Art? He’s going to bunt.

ART

How can you tell?

HIRUM

The way he’s planting his feet. And look at how he’s holding the bat.

ART

He seems to have a grip on it, all right.

(PEARL enters.)

PEARL

Charlie, what in the world are you doing over there?

HIRUM

He’s out! He’s out of there!

VIOLET

(Reenters with some pictures)

Well, that’s done.

HIRUM

(To television)

Friggin’ Atlanta is up by two!

(DOTTIE enters. Her hair was been hacked off in places.)

DOTTIE

Where’s Graham?

VIOLET

Oh, we’ve been fooling around.

HIRUM

Jesus Christ, can you see he’s lost his arm? Haven’t you got another goddamned pitcher in the dugout?

ART

Bring on the reserves! That right, Hirum, huh?

HIRUM

Goddamned communists!

VIOLET

What have you done to your hair now, Dottie?

PEARL

I couldn’t stand it see it just hang there, so I snipped it a little-

(GRAHAM enters. He is disheveled,

staggering.)

DOTTIE

Graham?

GRAHAM

Give me those pictures, Aunt Violet.

VIOLET

I wish I could wear my hair like that. When I was young, French twists were all the rage.

HIRUM

That’s it! That’s the last straw!

(He gets up and puts his foot through the television.)

GRAHAM

I said give me those pictures.

VIOLET

My, my, my. Aren’t we a little bit testy.

GRANDPA

I told you you’d find them.

(GRANDMA returns with a glass. GRANDPA

takes a big slug.)

GRAHAM

They’re nobody’s business but mine.

(GRANDPA spits the liquid out.)

GRANDPA

What the hell is that?

GRANDMA

Milk of Magnesia. Didn’t you ask for Milk of Magnesia?

VIOLET

Now, what is this little boy’s name?

DOTTIE

Let me see those.

VIOLET

My, my. Now that’s a good angle.

(DOTTIE grabs the picture from

VIOLET.)

DOTTIE

Graham. What are you doing with this?

GRAHAM

I’m a policeman!

GRANDPA

Yeah, and I’m Eleanor Roosevelt. What have we got

for dessert around here?

GRANDMA

(Seeing TV, to HIRUM)

You’ve gone and done it now.

PEARL

(Grabs pictures)

I’ll just take those for safe keeping. Hm, Graham?

Can I have everyone’s attention please? Hirum, turn

that thing off. Grandpa?

HIRUM

Oh, hell, now what?

PEARL

I thought we could all say a few words to Charlie in honor of his special day. Everyone please gather round. Bring chairs, that’s it.

(HIRUM, ART and DOTTIE more or less drag CHARLIE, a corpse, to the circle.

They put him in a chair and tie him

so he’ll stay upright.)

GRANDMA

I’m not budging.

VIOLET

Oh, this is so exciting.

(GRAHAM sits down next to CHARLIE and checks his pulse, then puts his head in his hands.)

PEARL

I’ll start if no one minds. Actually, I wrote a little speech. Well, it’s more like a letter. At least, it starts, “Dear Charlie.” So I thought I’d read it. Remember that movie, “A Letter to Three Wives?” I just loved the way you heard the adulteress’ voice but never saw her. Very dramatic.

DOTTIE

Why don’t you read it, Mother?

PEARL

I suppose I ought to stand. Maybe, walk around a little for effect.

GRANDMA

Inventions, now we’re talking.

VIOLET

I’d wear something a little more colorful if I were you, Pearl. Fuchsia is always good with your complexion.

PEARL

Maybe just some lipstick!

(She runs off.)

HIRUM

Say, Grandma, do you mind flipping to the game and giving game and giving me the score?

GRANDMA

“What is an ‘air bag’?” Ha! Four hundred bucks, I’m raking it in.

ART

Remember the time you took the kids to see the Yankees, Hirum? Charlie here was what, five?

GRAHAM

Seven. I was five.

HIRUM

We didn’t see the Yankees.

ART

Sure you did, Mickey Mantle, Roger Marris, the Babe… or was he still with Boston in those days?

HIRUM

Jesus Christ, Art, we didn’t see the goddamned Yankees.

ART

Dottie, you were too young to remember, but Charlie here, why, you’d think he was going to the moon he was so excited. He had that little bat, see, and what an arm. I figured he’d make it to the majors with that arm.

VIOLET

They’d all pile into that station wagon. Oh, you kids like to have driven me crazy, what was that song they used to sing?

GRAHAM AND DOTTIE

“A hundred bottles of beer on the wall…”

GRANDMA

“What is ‘Davy Jones Locker’?”

PEARL

(Reenters wearing a cape.)

I found this silly little thing. Now, Charlie, I wrote a few words to commemorate this occasion. Just a few thoughts, compliments, that sort of thing.

DOTTIE

“Dear Charlie…”

PEARL

Oh, yes. “Dear Charlie.” I could as easily say, “My Beloved Son.” Which you do prefer?

VIOLET

I like “Dear Charlie.”

HIRUM

Jesus Christ.

PEARL

“Dear Charlie, I want you to know how proud I am of you on your special day. When you were first born, I held you in my arms and knew you were destined for something wonderful.”

GRAHAM

(very softly, as others speak)

“A hundred bottles of beer on the wall, a hundred bottles of beer…”

GRANDMA

“What is ‘aluminum foil’?”

VIOLET

(Tearfully.) Bless his heart, he looked like a little

gorilla, remember that, Artie?

ART

Thought you’d drown him like a rat, Pearl.

PEARL

Thank you all for listening. Hirum, why don’t you go next?

HIRUM

(to GRANDMA)

I’m watching the game after this!

GRANDMA

Bite me, scumbag. “What is ‘the Green Bay Packers’?” Ha, ha, you didn’t think I knew that, did you?

HIRUM

I had it first! Graham, would you shut the hell up?

(DOTTIE nudges GRAHAM to shut up-

they poke at each other like a couple of kids.)

DOTTIE

Graham, you know I can’t stand that song!

ART

I’d like to say a few words.

VIOLET

Oh, Artie, I love it when you take the floor.

ART

“Twas a bright September morning, one October in July,

the moon hung low upon the ground – the sun down in the sky…” Hee, hee. I’ve always gotten a kick out of that.

Now how does the rest of it go?

PEARL

Aren’t you going to say something to your only son, Hirum?

(GRAHAM and DOTTIE makes monster faces at each other)

HIRUM

Don’t get married, whatever you do! Your life will never

be your own again. I’m taking that remote, you old bag! Artie’s going to put you in a home, isn’t that right, Art?

GRANDPA

You can’t put her in a home, she’s got the goods on you.

In writing. And in a safe place.

HIRUM

Huh! What goods!

GRANDPA

You know. The embezzling. The hit and run – two of those.

The accidents that weren’t no accident. Say, Winnie, did

you bring any diapers in?

GRANDMA

Use the tablecloth. Don’t bother me. “What is ‘an aqualung’?”

PEARL

Graham! Dottie! You will stop that this minute!

(GRAHAM and DOTTIE attempt to stop.

Slowly, they build to convulsive

laughter.)

VIOLET

You know what I loved about that station wagon you used to have? The third seat. You got to look out backwards!

They don’t make cars like that anymore.

ART

They make them. They’re all over the road.

VIOLET

You could press a button and the back window went up and down. Charlie was the only one they could trust to sit back there. Graham, you could never keep your hands off anything.

ART

I might say the same about you!

VIOLET

Why, you-

(They tickle each other.)

GRANDMA

“What is ‘the respiratory system’?”

GRAHAM(loudly)

Eighty-eight bottles of beer on the wall, eight-eight

bottles of beer!

PEARL

Hirum, make him stop!

(HIRUM grabs GRAHAM by the throat.

They fight but HIRUM subdues him

instantly, then pushes him away.)

HIRUM

What, you think you’re tough? Huh? You’re an accident. You don’t even belong here. You should have gone to a doctor for this one, huh, Pearl? Right off.

(He tries to touch her- she shakes him

off.)

Oh, so that’s the way it is. It’s my fault. Like everything else. Well, you asked for it that day. Remember, Art, what I told you?

ART

You always said she looked good in the shower.

HIRUM

A man’s got to have a soft body to turn to. A man’s got his rights. A man’s a king in his own house. A man’s home is his castle. (To PEARL.) You married me. You promised me. And a promise is a promise!

PEARL

You disgusting man. You filthy pig. I should have-

HIRUM

You did, Pearl. That’s the joke. The joke is on me. You succeeded.

GRANDMA

“What is ‘Pluto’?”

(HIRUM looks at everyone.)

HIRUM

I’m not hard to get along with. A couple of beers, a ballgame once in a while. Maybe six or seven hours of sleep a night. It would be nice if I had a family who respected me. I wouldn’t mind that. Seems like I’ve worked hard all my life, but, hey. What the hell. If what’s too much to ask, so be it. I can still get along. But to come in my house and insult me? To make jokes at my expense? That’s beyond the limits of what a man should have to endure.

(He turns to GRANDPA.)

And you, old man. You can’t even control your own wife, for Christ’s sake. What’s that catheter stuck into, your spine?

GRANDMA

“What is ‘I Love Lucy’?” God, I’m not even trying.

HIRUM

Art, get me a drink.

PEARL

You know what they said-

HIRUM

I said get me a drink!

ART

I’m afraid we’re quite out of gin.

HIRUM

Vodka, scotch, battery acid, I don’t care. Just get me a big one. And the rest of you. Sit down and shut up.

(Everyone does. GRAHAM and DOTTIE get chairs and sit next to CHARLIE, GRAHAM in the middle, and DOTTIE next to him. GRAHAM and DOTTIE stare straight ahead.)

ART

Right.

(ART scampers off.)

GRANDMA

“Who is ‘Tennessee Williams’”, the old fairy. These idiots don’t know anything.

GRANDPA

Winnie, Hirum’s going to take a drink.

GRANDMA

That’s a bad idea. “What is ‘The Battle of Wounded Knee’?”

(GRANDMA, still watching the TV, and takes out a slingshot. She aims it

at HIRUM.

(DOTTIE hums “a hundred bottles of beer

On the wall…”)

VIOLET

I must say it’s nice to get together like this. Next time let’s do it at our place. Doesn’t somebody have an anniversary coming up?

(ART enters carrying a tray of beers.)

ART

A hundred bottles of beer on the wall… Sorry, I couldn’t

resist. Drinks all around!

(Everyone takes a beer and holds it.)

HIRUM

Here’s to Charlie on his special day.

GRANDPA

Winnie!

GRANDMA

Put the bottle down, Hirum.

HIRUM

What are you going to do, shoot me?

(GRANDMA fires and hits HIRUM.)

GRANDMA

Anybody for Double Jeopardy?

PEARL

Grandma, was that necessary?

ART

She did it, by God, what an aim. He’s laid right out. Hirum? Hirum, are you with us, old man?

HIRUM

Mmmph- grogg-

VIOLET

His face is a death mask. Not that he was ever what you’d call pretty.

PEARL

I gave that man the best years of my life!

ART

He’s not long for it, hang on! Rage, rage against the dying of the light…

(GRAHAM and DOTTIE sing “Hundred bottles… softly. They are frightened, remembering something.)

VIOLET

Do you think we could have one of those Irish wakes? I saw it in a movie once. You put the corpse on the dining table and surround it with food. Then the oldest son eats his sins!

PEARL

Charlie could never stand to eat in front of people.

ART

I suppose I could do it. What were you thinking for the menu, Pearl?

HIRUM

Mmmf, grogg, blah. My head!

PEARL

I’ll get out the photo albums. I’d like to remember your Hirum the way he was.

GRANDMA

“What is the Towering Inferno!” Ha, ha!

VIOLET

Now, don’t dwell on it, Pearl. Artie, we’ve got to fix her up. She’s still young enough.

GRANDPA

I’m still waiting for dessert!

ART

That nice man at church, you know, the tenor. What about him?

VIOLET

We’ll invite him over for dinner! Now, what’s his name?

ART

Bill, or Eugene- Vladimir!

PEARL

Oh, who’d want me? I’m just an old thing- Look, here’s Hirum on our wedding day. What a figure he cut!

GRANDMA(To TV)

Not a brain between them. It’s obvious, you morons!

ART

That’s Tom Crowley over in the corner making out with your sister.

PEARL

Oh, yes. That Tom was a looker, wasn’t he, Violet?

VIOLET

Not all that great in bed, though.

ART

Well, no.

PEARL

Oh, look, here’s our Charlie on his fifth birthday! I’d forgotten how blonde he was. Dottie, there you are stuffing your face.

GRANDMA

Final Jeopardy! Three minutes of commercials, I’ve got time to use the can.

(GRANDMA gets up to exit. She grabs

her walker.)

HIRUM

I’m hit! I’m hit bad, can’t somebody do something?

GRANDPA

Put him out of his misery, Artie. We broke their necks in Korea – creak creak – just like that.

(HIRUM manages to get to his feet.)

PEARL

Charlie got the height gene in the family.

VIOLET

Pearl?

PEARL

Well, that’s the end of it. Hm, one seems to be missing.

Could it have fallen out?

GRAHAM

It’s in your pocket. The picture. You’ve got it in your apron pocket.

PEARL

What’s he talking about now?

VIOLET

Oh, fiddlesticks.

(She takes the picture out of PEARL’S pocket.)

VIOLET

He doesn’t look anything like our Charlie. This is a corpse. Ugh. What a bloody mess. Artie! Artie! Quick, take a look!

(ART comes over.)

There’s something in the background…

ART

Hm, it looks like, no, it can’t be… but it is! My God, it’s not possible!

GRAHAM and DOTTIE

Hundred bottles of beer on the wall…

ART

It’s that damned third seat!

(GRAHAM and DOTTIE stand up and cheer. GRANDMA comes barreling back in with

her walker. She sits back on the couch. PEARL gets up, she seems disoriented.)

PEARL

Hirum?

HIRUM

It’s all right, Pearl. It’s all right. Don’t worry.

PEARL

I got a letter about Charlie. And his award and everything.

HIRUM

That’s fine, honey. Why don’t you give it to me and we’ll-

PEARL

Don’t touch me! Don’t come near me! Charlie!

ART

Better let me look at it, Pearl. I’m an attorney. It’s all right. I’m looking out for your interests. Let me see it.

(He inches his way over to PEARL. She gives him the letter.)

VIOLET

Artie will clear things up.

(PEARL gives it to him.)

ART

Mm hm. Mm hm. Oh, yes. Yes, I see. Oh, yes. Yes. Yes, I see.

HIRUM

What the hell do you see?

(GRAHAM goes over to GRANDMA. He holds out his hand. Without turning, she gives him his gun. He takes bullets out of his pocket and loads it.)

ART

Yes. Oh. Uh oh. Huh. Wow. I see. Yes, yes. I see. It says here that you’ve won a million dollars in the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. And someone was coming with a check (looks at watch) today.

PEARL

Charlie’s not coming?

ART

I have no notification of that at this time.

VIOLET

I knew Artie would clear this up!

(VIOLET starts going through CHARLIE’S pockets.)

ART

Violet, this is no time for one of your cheap thrills.

VIOLET

I’m looking for the million dollars! I’ve got it! I’ve got the check!

ART

Let me see that!

(ART grabs it.)

Made out to… Hirum and Pearl… yes… yes… Uh, huh. Wow. Yes. Yes. Uh, huh. Uh, huh. Hm.

PEARL

What? What is it?

(ART puts the check down on

the table and walks away.)

ART

Sorry, Pearl. It’s a fraud. This guy comes in here to get collect the income tax. Probably be satisfied with a thousand. I’ve seen it a hundred times.

HIRUM

For Christ’s sake, let me have a-

(HIRUM staggers over and looks at it.)

PEARL

You’re just jealous! If Charlie says he’s got a million dollars, then he’s got a million dollars! The letter is signed by Charlie, it says it right here, it says…

(She looks but can’t find the signature.)

GRAHAM

Who won the game, Dad?

HIRUM

What? What game?

GRAHAM

The Yankees and Atlanta. That day we drove down the mountain. Who won the game, Dad?

HIRUM

Go to hell.

(GRAHAM points the gun at him.)

HIRUM

Jesus, I don’t know, the Yankees! What is it with guns today?

GRAHAM

It wasn’t the Yankees.

(GRAHAM cocks the gun.)

HIRUM

It was a long time ago. How the hell can I remember?

GRAHAM

Dottie?

DOTTIE

A hundred bottles of beer on the wall…

GRAHAM

That the trouble with songs, you know? They carry a story. We were just kids. You made us sing it driving down that mountain-

DOTTIE

A hundred bottles of beer on the wall…

HIRUM

Okay, okay, Jesus! I was driving too fast. I’m sorry. But the rest of it, that was your mother’s fault. You’d think in the twentieth century a woman would get a driver’s license. God, you want to point that thing, point it at her. Why me? Why is it always me? It was your mother that wanted that third seat! She ordered it! Jesus Christ, shoot me, then. Go ahead. I’m sick of it, anyway. Pull the trigger, Graham. Have a ball. Jesus, the fucking Yankees that day and everything.

GRAHAM

Dottie and I were strapped into the back seat. That third seat – where Charlie was – there’s no seat belt!

HIRUM

I didn’t order the fucking seat!

PEARL

Jump! For God’s sake, jump, all of you, jump! (To HIRUM.)

Why did he gave to do it, Hirum? Why couldn’t he just have stayed in the car?

HIRUM (tenderly, soothes her)

It’s all right, sweetheart.

PEARL

There wasn’t anything to do, was there?

HIRUM

Course not. Sh. Now you’ve got your mother all upset! We invited you over here in good faith. Both of you. And you bring up all this crap about the Yankees. Let – dead – dogs – die!

GRANDMA

Everybody shut up, it’s Final Jeopardy! The category’s

fiction!

(HIRUM goes back to the couch. PEARL goes to CHARLIE. She unties him, he freefalls into her arms.)

HIRUM

Christ, if those fucking Yankees had won. Jesus, these family get togethers take a lot out of me.

GRANDMA

Ha! Ha! Don’t I know it! Don’t I know it! Albert Camus, you idiots! Albert Camus! Twenty-nine thousand, four hundred dollars, Grandpa, we’re taking that vacation!

(HIRUM changes the channel with the remote. GRANDMA gets her walker, goes over to PEARL and CHARLIE.)

Who’s the stranger?

GRANDPA

It’s time to get the hell out of here.

VIOLET

Pearl, dear, we’re just… Oh, she gets so emotional. (To whoever.) It’s the change, you know.

PEARL

On the letter. It said Charlie. Signed sincerely, Charlie.

DOTTIE(to GRAHAM)

We just won’t come back here. It’ll be alright, tell me it’ll be alright.

(GRAHAM kisses DOTTIE a soft, brotherly kiss, then smoothes her hair.)

DOTTIE

No, Graham, please, you don’t have to…

HIRUM

Hit that sonofabitch, hit it right out of the ballpark! Jesus! Pearl, get me some popcorn, will you?

ART

Pearl, Hirum, great time. Charlie? Congratulations again. Dottie, Graham? What can I say that hasn’t already been said?

(VIOLET blows kisses goodbye, GRANDPA, GRANDMA, and ART begin to exit.)

(The door remains open. Lights from

cameras flash.)

HIRUM

They’ve been paid off! Goddamned umps!

GRAHAM

You have the right to remain silent.

(DOTTIE slides to the floor with her hands over her ears. GRAHAM takes the gun out of his holster and aims at his head.)

(HIRUM takes off one of his shoes and

aims it at the television. GRAHAM prepares to shoot.)

HIRUM

I don’t have to take anymore of this.

(Simultaneously, HIRUM throws the shoe,

GRAHAM fires the gun. BLACK OUT fast.

CAMERAS continue to flash. BLACK OUT.)

ACT TWO

(The set is the same as in ACT 1, with one major difference. It is cluttered and filthy, the result of months of neglect. A chicken carcass on a small table, magazines, empty bottles, dirty dishes, etc. PEARL is dusting, HIRUM watches the television with interest. He eats from a bowl of popcorn. PEARL places doilies now on the furniture and on the coffee table in front of the couch. HIRUM must look around her to continue watching the television.)

HIRUM

Jesus, Pearl!

(She finishes and sits down at the table.)

PEARL

He’s not coming.

HIRUM

Shit! Goddamned morons.

PEARL

Do you think we could call him? I don’t want to bother him, but do you think we could call him?

HIRUM

What? Call who.

PEARL

Charlie.

HIRUM

Come on, Rodriguez, hit one out of the ball park.

PEARL

Could we?

HIRUM

Everyone’s coming today, Pearl. Dottie. Your brother Art and Violet. That was a ball! Jesus!

PEARL

I got a letter, Hirum. From Charlie.

HIRUM

What?

(Now she has his attention.)

Jesus, Pearl, we went over this. That letter is from the sweepstakes people. That crazy place you keep sending money. They sent one to a thousand people. It’s a gimmick. Christ, the one time I let you open the mail.

(The doorbell rings.)

PEARL

There’s Charlie! Do I look all right?

HIRUM

Look, sit down. Just sit down. Sit down or I won’t open the door.

(He looks out the peephole.)

What the-

(He opens the door. No one is there.

He looks both ways.)

Goddamned kids. You think that’s funny! You think I’ve got nothing better to do than this?

(He shuts the door.)

I’ve talked to their parents, it doesn’t do a goddamned bit of good. One of these days, I’m going to get them good. Now, come over here and sit down with me. We’re going to watch the game. Okay? And wait. Everything’s going to be okay. Your brother’s coming, Violet, you like Violet. And Dottie.

PEARL

I made Charlie’s favorite dessert. Banana cream pie. Do you remember the way he used to eat that? He wanted it on his birthday, too.

(The doorbell rings.)

HIRUM

This had better be someone, I can tell you that.

(He opens the door. ART and VIOLET stand there and hold a pie.)

VIOLET

Hirum, how are you?

(Greetings, kisses, etc. VIOLET and ART “take in” the mess.)

Pearl? You’re looking pretty. Doesn’t she look pretty,

Art?

ART

She looks fine, Vi. You look fine, Pearl.

VIOLET

Artie, take this in the kitchen. What are you watching, dear?

HIRUM

We’re watching the game. Yankees are up by two.

VIOLET

Now, Hirum, I thought we agreed no sports today.

HIRUM

It’s a make-up game. I don’t make the schedule, Vi.

VIOLET

Yes, but, you know how… dominating baseball can be. And we came here to see you all.

ART

(Reenter)

So, what’s for lunch besides pie?

HIRUM

Dottie’s bringing the-

PEARL

I made all Charlie’s favorites. Short ribs, mashed potatoes, and green bean casserole. Violet, did you see the letter he sent me?

VIOLET

Um, Hirum, that’s a lot of food, isn’t it?

HIRUM

It’s all right. Dottie’s-

(Makes motions with hands – okay sign, etc.)

ART

What’s the score there, Hirum?

HIRUM

Two to nothing.

VIOLET

Now, Pearl, come and sit here by me. Hirum tells me you haven’t been feeling well. But you know, you look wonderful.

PEARL

I do?

VIOLET

I’m going to put some lipstick on you, that’s all. A little color to brighten things up.

PEARL

I don’t like going to the doctor.

VIOLET

Of course you don’t, dear. But Doctor Hanson-

PEARL

I don’t see Doctor Hanson. I’ve got this new doctor. And I don’t like him.

(She whispers.)

He raped me.

VIOLET

Pearl, that’s not true.

PEARL

There was blood on the table. I told Hirum and he won’t do a thing. Violet, you’ve got to help me. If only Charlie was here. It’s a terrible way to lose your virginity.

VIOLET

Darling. My poor darling.

PEARL

I’m leaving, Vi. Don’t tell Hirum. Charlie sent me a ticket. Don’t let on when he’s here.

VIOLET

I won’t.

ART

Anyone for a little something?

HIRUM

What, you got some beer?

VIOLET

I thought we went over that, Artie.

ART

Hell, Vi, it’s Saturday. And the ball game’s on.

VIOLET

Any drinking and I’m going home. Do you hear me?

HIRUM

Jesus, Artie, forget it.

(The doorbell rings.)

That better be the meatloaf.

(He opens the door. No one there.)

Friggin’ kids!

(He slams the door behind him and

runs off.)

PEARL

Who was that?

ART

I think it was the mailman, Pearl. A package. Hirum had to sign.

PEARL

He’s trying to kill me. Hirum’s been putting something in the water. When you turn it on, it comes out black. Or green. I can’t drink the water. And at night, I wake up sometimes and he’s holding a pillow. I’m stronger than he is, but not for long. I can’t drink and now he’s poisoning the food. One of these nights I’m going to wake up dead.

VIOLET

Pearl, honey, have you been taking your pills?

PEARL

I can’t swallow them. I can’t drink, have you seen the water? Go turn it on if you don’t believe me. Go. Go do it now.

VIOLET

Pearl, there’s nothing wrong with the water. It’s town water.

PEARL

You don’t believe me.

VIOLET

Artie, go turn on the water. Bring a glass in here and let’s have a look.

ART

Okay, okay.

(He exits.)

PEARL

I’m so glad you’re here.

(PEARL weeps in VIOLET’S arms.

ART reenters with a glass.)

ART

It does look a little muddy.

PEARL

You see? I’m not crazy. You see what he’s doing?

VIOLET

Art, you sure you got this out of the sink?

ART

Maybe I dug it out of the backyard. Want me to try again?

VIOLET

Sometimes you’ve got to let it run clear for a minute. Artie, go back in there and try again.

ART

(Exiting)

Seven years of college and I can’t turn on a faucet.

PEARL

I’ve got a bag packed. Charlie and I are leaving after Hirum passes out.

VIOLET

Charlie?

PEARL

Don’t tell anyone. I’ve got it hid.

VIOLET

Honey, honey, Charlie’s not coming.

PEARL

I’ve got a letter. I got the mail yesterday!

VIOLET

Let me see the letter.

(ART reenters with another glass. He holds it up.)

PEARL

Sh!

ART

Well, I wouldn’t drink it.

(HIRUM reenters. He is visibly shaken.)

ART

You all right, old man?

(He goes over to the couch. He looks like he’s having a heart attack, cannot catch his breath, etc.)

Hirum? Mother of God, we’d better call 911.

VIOLET

Where’s the phone, Pearl? Artie, look in the kitchen.

(ART and VIOLET look around for the phone. PEARL sits quietly. HIRUM, still suffering, begins to come around a bit.)

HIRUM

Don’t. Stop. I’m all right. Just… out of breath.

VIOLET

That’s it, Art, we’re getting a cell phone tomorrow. I told you we needed one.

HIRUM

I’m… okay. Listen. Sit down. Goddamn it, I’m talking to you.

VIOLET

Hirum, you look terrible.

HIRUM

Mind your own business for once. If Dottie would get here everybody could eat and get the hell out.

ART

Suit yourself, old man.

VIOLET

This is outrageous. I hope you drop dead, Hirum. I’ve wished that as long as I’ve known you. Art, how can you let your sister live with this man.

ART

Seems to be a little trouble with the water, Hirum.

HIRUM

What? Oh, they’re replacing all the pipes. Got a notice on Monday. We’re supposed to filter it for a couple weeks.

ART

Oh, that’s what’s going on out there. The machinery. See, Violet? They’re replacing all the pipes.

VIOLET

Meanwhile, Pearl can’t eat or drink safely. No wonder she’s all worked up about everything. Couldn’t you at least take her to a hotel for a few days, Hirum?

HIRUM

Yeah, right. I have to drug her to get her to the doctors. A hotel? That’s a laugh.

VIOLET

Doctors, what doctors? She’s worse than ever. She needs help, Hirum. Real professional help.

HIRUM

You’re so concerned. When the last time you came by to see her? Huh? Three months, four? Five?

VIOLET

I didn’t know! And I’m not married to her, you are!

(PEARL gets up and exits. She comes back a moment later wearing her coat.)

PEARL

I’m going to go pick up Charlie.

VIOLET

Pearl, honey. Take off your coat. You don’t drive, honey.

Art, Pearl thinks she can drive.

PEARL

I learned. I watched it on TV.

ART

What kind of a party can we have with you gone? Besides, it’s cold out there. Brr. Right, Hirum?

(HIRUM is absorbed in the game.)

VIOLET

Art, let’s try and get Pearl to bed and go home. Pearl, do you want to lie down for awhile? Maybe you’re tired.

ART

We’ve got to at least wait until Dottie get here. How’s that going to look?

VIOLET

I don’t care about her, what is she to me? I told you this would be a fiasco. Pearl, let me take your coat… All right, leave it on.

ART

You doing all right over there, Hirum? You sure you’re feeling all right? God, I wish your parents were still alive, Vi. Now, that was entertainment.

(The doorbell rings.)

Jesus, now what? You getting that Hirum? Hirum?

HIRUM

I’m not budging again today.

ART

Allow me, then.

(With a flourish, he opens the door.

DOTTIE stands there.)

And I thought you were going to miss all the fun.

DOTTIE

Hi, Uncle Art, hi, Aunt Violet!

VIOLET

Sorry, I’m dealing with your mother just now. She thinks she’s taking the car.

(DOTTIE kisses her father.)

HIRUM

The Yankees are up by two.

VIOLET

Did you bring the ribs?

DOTTIE

Did I what?

VIOLET

Your father said you were bringing ribs and mashed potatoes and what was the other thing?

ART

Green bean casserole.

DOTTIE

Where was I going to get all that?

ART

Great. Banana cream pie and poison water for dessert. And the pie’s frozen.

VIOLET

Isn’t there a Chinese place nearby?

DOTTIE

Daddy hates Chinese.

VIOLET(uncertainly)

I suppose I could see if I could whip something up in the kitchen…

(PEARLS exits to kitchen – she comes back a moment later with a plate of olives stuck with toothpicks.)

DOTTIE(helplessly)

I never said anything about bringing any food. I mean, how was I going to get it here?

HIRUM

Christly umpire. They let them get away with this crap.

DOTTIE

You’re not looking too good, Daddy. You sick?

VIOLET

We think he’s had a heart attack. Just before you came he was chasing those Indians next door.

DOTTIE

What do you mean, chasing those Indians? What Indians?

ART

(Making war cries, slapping his hand against his mouth)