THE EARRING, By Maura Campbell

One Act Play In Three Scenes

Cast

Barb

Charlene

SCENE l

As the scene opens, the two women are on the floor (out of view) in the cockpit of a small plane and obviously rummaging around for something.

Barb: Charlene, look behind the passenger seat...

Charlene: It's not here, Barb.

Barb: Well, I can't imagine what happened to it. I thought maybe it was stuck on a piece of my clothing, but I went through everything I had on that day and couldn't find it... Check under the seat again.... Maybe it's by that pedal, I don't think I looked there... Oh, I wish I'd thought to bring a flashlight.

Charlene: What's it look like again?

Barb: Oh, for heaven's sake, Charlene, it's a gold hoop earring. How many earrings do you suppose you're going to find in here?

Charlene: You picked a fine time to decide you had to wear them... We're going to be late for the wedding and Ann will never forgive us.

Barb: Ann would understand about jewelry. God's sake, you saw the rock Alan gave her.

Charlene: Well, I'm glad we've been invited to sing at her wedding, but really, at their age to go to all this expense. (They are still out of view looking for the earring)

Barb: What else are they going to do with all that money? Besides, I've wanted to get to know her for ages. Doesn't she have just the greatest sense of style? You know she goes to Woodstock to get her hair done. Oh, Charlene, what's that under the seat? No, over on the left.

Charlene: That's a bolt. Are you sure Walter didn't find it? Or maybe a cleaning lady picked it up.

Barb: Oh for pity's sake, Charlene, airplanes don't have cleaning ladies.

Charlene: Well, they should. What the hell is this thing? Barb, it's someone's teeth!

Barb: Well, Walter mentioned losing his lower plate, but I never...

Charlene: Let's get out of here; you can wear my earrings.

Barb: Oh, I wouldn't be caught dead in those... Now, if I could marry someone with Alan's money, I'd just go out and buy another pair.

Charlene: What if you marry Walter? He's got money, doesn't he?

Barb: He's tighter than the bark on a tree, except when it comes to his airplane and his proctologist.

Charlene: You don't know when you're well off. Remember the guy I met through the singles network? His ad said something about making beautiful music together. He hummed.

Barb: What do you mean he hummed?

Charlene: I mean that when he talked he hummed at the same time. "Hello, hm, Charlene, hm, how do you, hm, do hm.

Suddenly there is the sound of an engine being started.

Charlene: Barb! Barb! What the hell is going on! It sounds like the engine just turned over!

Barb: Well, I must have hit something.

They both sit up at this point. Charlene is terrified... her eyes are wide and her mouth is open. Barb looks more annoyed than anything else.

Barb: One of these switches must have been activated.

Charlene: Let's just get out of the plane and go call someone, Barb. We don't have the slightest idea what we're doing.

Barb: Oh, nonsense, Charlene. I've flown with Walter three times. It can't be that complicated to turn off an engine. It's probably like a car, just have to look things over and...

Charlene: Barb, I'm getting out of this airplane this minute and getting some help...

Barb: There's no one here today.

Charlene: Oh, that's just great.

The sound of acceleration is evident and the women react like they are in a moving vehicle.

Charlene: Holy Shitsu, Barb. Now you've done it. Now you've done it. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy...

Barb: Don't panic, Charlene, I'll just taxi over to the other side by those other planes and park it.

Charlene: How the hell are you going to stop?

Barb: Well, don't worry, I'll figure it out. Maybe this will work.......

They begin going faster. Charlene has her mouth open to scream at any moment. Barb looks a little surprised.

Barb: Whew! That tickled. Oh look, there is someone here today, there's a man waving at us.

She makes hand signals to him and waves, smiling the whole time. She is terminally cheerful.

Barb: Hi there! Oh, it's Jerry. I can't stop, Jerry, sorry!

Charlene: Barb, you're going to crash into those airplanes ahead...

Charlene makes grunting noises of deadly anticipation. At the last minute Barb makes a sharp turn and Charlene crashes into her.

Charlene: Now what are we going to do, run around this airstrip until we run out of gas?

Barb: Well, let's see, maybe if I just turn this thing it'll make the engine go dead.

Airplane goes even faster.

Charlene: Whoa, Barb! Pull up on that stick or we're going right into the tower!

Barb pulls up on the stick and they begin to go up in the air. Their posture indicates what has happened, heads thrown back, pinned to their seats.

Both in unison: Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!

Charlene: I don't believe this... I don't believe this... We're gonna die... We're gonna die...This is it... This is it... We're gonna die... We're gonna die...

Barb: Now, Charlene, don't get so excited. Now, if I can remember what I did, all I have to do it do it backwards and get us down. Let's see, This stick controls going up and down

She suddenly pulls the stick back and they start a quick descent.

Both in unison again: Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Charlene: Pull up! Pull up!

Barb pulls up.

Barb: There, steady as she goes.

Charlene has become hysterical. She is gasping for breath, obviously hyperventilating.

Barb: Charlene, calm down. Charlene, are you all right? You might be using up oxygen doing that. (She reaches behind her.) Here put this over your head so you can catch your breath. That's all I need, is for you to die on me.

Charlene puts a paper bag over her head and begins to calm down.

Charlene(Through the bag): What have we done, what have we done, I don't believe this is happening to me, why, why, oh, why... (She is breathing frantically, making guttural noises)

Barb: You're babbling, Charlene. Gosh, you'd think we were a million miles from home. We're barely off the ground; give me a minute to get this thing figured out. (She scrutinizes the controls.)

Charlene(In shock): I'm up here and the ground is down there. We are in the air. This is the atmosphere I am looking at. There are clouds close by. You are my friend and you are up in the air, too. I don't like this. I want to go home.

Barb: Now just relax, everything is going to be all right. Remember that class we took to lower our stress levels? Remember what the instructor said when you get into a panic? Let's do a gratitude list. First, remember to breathe deeply.

They both breathe.

Barb: Why don't I start and you repeat after me. I'm a precious child of God...

(No response.) Go ahead, say it.

Charlene: I'm a precious child of God.

Barb: I have a family who loves me...

Charlene: I have a family who loves me...

Barb: I have plenty of food to nourish my body...

Charlene: I've lived on diet salad dressing and carrot sticks for the last two weeks to fit into this dress, for God's sake...

Barb: I have a roof over my head...

Charlene(Looks up): Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Barb: There now, that's more like it. See if you can find an instruction booklet in that drawer there.

Charlene(Still dazed): An instruction booklet?

Barb: Well, sure, there's got to be an instruction booklet. I mean, you don't spend all that money on a plane and not get an instruction booklet.

Charlene: Barb, are there any parachutes in here?

Barb: Heaven's sake, Charlene, you don't know how to parachute.

Charlene: And you don't know how to fly an airplane!

Barb: Oh, nonsense. Walter didn't even go to college and he knows how to fly one. Now let's see, there's a knob that says auto. I wonder if that's if you have to drive it down the highway...

Charlene: It means auto pilot, Barb.

Barb: Oh great. (She punches it.) That'll give me a little break while we figure out what to do next. Better put our seat belts on.

Charlene: Seat belts?

Barb: Of course, silly, what if something happens.

Charlene: Barb, why is it always like this with you?

Barb: What do you mean?

Charlene: I mean, every time I go anywhere with you, do anything, it's always a fiasco. I always wind up risking either my life or my reputation. Don't you have any idea how dangerous you are?

Barb: Well, I like that. And after everything I've done for you.

Charlene: What have you done for me?

Barb: I introduced you to that doctor over at Marylou's a couple of months ago.

Charlene: Oh that was certainly one of the highlights of my life. He got drunk on our third date at the Hood's barbecue and publicly came out of the closet.

Barb: Well, it's no wonder, the way you dress. It wouldn't hurt you to put on a ruffle or a padded bra once in a while...

Charlene: And how about the shopping trip to Burlington a few weeks ago? We were practically arrested in that restaurant.

Barb: That hamburger was horse meat! The nerve of those people trying to pass that off...

Charlene: You had no right barging into their kitchen demanding to look in the freezer.

Barb: Charlene, when you're brought up on a farm like I was, you get a real nose for things. Oh, look! Is that another plane? Yes, it is! Oh this is exciting? I wonder what the protocol is when you pass another plane. I suppose you tip your hat or something.

Charlene: Barb, you're going to run right into it.

Barb: Oh nonsense. He'll get out of the way. Here it comes! Charlene! That looks like Joe Harrison and his wife. It is! Wave! Oh, Charlene. Did you see what I saw?

Charlene: That was Marge Howser. Why that little slut!

Barb: I don't think she had her blouse on.

Charlene: Did you see the look on his face?

They erupt in laughter.

Charlene: Imagine him taking another woman on a rendezvous up in the air. Boy, have we got something on him!

Barb: I'll bet he's pulling himself together right about now!

Charlene: That's if Marge lets go of the controls!

They howl with laughter.

Charlene: You know, I would think it would be hard to do it, I mean, wouldn't the air pressure in here make it hard for a man to...

Barb: Oh, no, Charlene. It doesn't have an effect at all. (She smiles coyly.)

Charlene: How would you know?

Barb still smiles but does not look at Charlene.

Charlene: So that's it.

Barb: What's it?

Charlene: You're damned earring, that's what. You lost your earring because you were fooling around in the airplane, didn't you.

Barb: Well, I can't be sure if that's how I lost it...

Charlene: You're disgusting, you know that? Absolutely disgusting. And to think I'm sitting in here.

Barb: Oh, now Charlene...

Charlene: I can't believe I'm living the last hours of my life because you were getting it on with old Walter up here. Good grief, what else have you done? It's probably not safe to sit down anywhere in your house!

Barb: It wouldn't hurt you to loosen up a little bit.

Charlene: What's that supposed to mean?

Barb: Well, good grief, Charlene, you've been a prude ever since I can remember.

Charlene: Prude! I suppose it prudish to get to know a man before sleeping with him. I suppose it's prudish to wear a dress that doesn't set off the town fire alarm. Barb: You're getting testy, now. I don't have time to sit and talk about your problems. I've got it! We'll use the radio and call someone for help. (She reaches up and grabs the headphone.) Wait a minute... (She pulls out a pair of aviator sunglasses from her purse.) Walter gave these to me last time; he thinks they make me look sexy. (She is fooling around with the dials.) Hello out there... Can anyone hear me... This is Barb Blusher... We're in a little trouble, can anyone hear me?

Charlene grabs the head phone and begins desperately.

Charlene: Mayday! Mayday!! I'm up here with a crazy woman! Somebody help, please! Get me down, I can't stand this anymore! Help!

Barb(Takes headphones back): Oh for heaven's sake, Charlene. Who's going to want to help a mad dog like you. You'll scare them away. (Begins again.) This is Barb Blusher, we're in a little trouble, can anyone hear me? Over. Charlene! There's someone there? Hello, can you hear me? He's gone, I don't know...

Charlene: Barb, let go of that button after you talk...

Barb: Hello, are you there? He's there! Hello, how are you? Oh, Charlene, he's French! What's that? He wants to know where we are. Um, Je suis oop in the air. (Laughs flirtatiously.) He wants to know my position.

Charlene: Tell him you have your knees together. Never mind. The compass says NE. We left Montpelier about twenty minutes ago. I'd say we're heading for the Atlantic Ocean.

Barb: Do you suppose we might make it to England?

Charlene: Barb!

Barb: Hello, there? Oh, oui. Oui, oui. No, es mon ami avec un loud mouth.

Charlene: I'm going to kill you.

Barb: Qu'est que c'est? Ou es la biblioteque?

Charlene: What are you saying?

Barb: I asked him where the library is... It's the only other french I can remember from high school.

Charlene: Jesus Christ, Barb, give me that radio. Hello, are you still there? Can you speak any English?... We're in big trouble, big trouble. We're up in the air and we don't know how to fly. the airplane belongs to Walter Hoffman from Randolph, VT... No, we don't know how to fly. Haven't got a bloody clue... Can you call someone to get us down?

Barb: Ask him is someone can send a helicopter after us.

Charlene: A helicopter?

Barb: Sure, you know, they'll throw out a rope and we grab onto it and they pull us up.

Charlene: If I had a rope, I'd tie it around your... Hello, are your still there? (Frantically.) Hello!... Hello!... He's gone! We've lost him.

Barb: Well, you should have let me talk to him. You sound like a bully, did anyone ever tell you that?

Charlene: Only you, Barb.

Barb: You're always issuing orders, I don't know how the kids at school can stand you, really, I don't.

Charlene: They don't have to stand me, they just have to listen to me. And frankly, I'd have better luck up here with Mikey Henderson in charge than you. Move over. Let me sit at the controls.

Barb: You practically drowned last summer trying to negotiate the White River in an inner tube. What makes you think you can fly this plane?

Charlene: Move over!

Comic scene of the two women in their dress clothes changing seats; Charlene's dress rips in the seat.

Barb: Well, I hope you're satisfied.

Charlene glares at her. They continue along is frosty silence for a few moments. The women express with their bodies that they are experiencing turbulence.

Barb: Ooh, that was a bump.. Ooh, there's another one. Whew! Well, it was supposed to be turbulent today, that's what Walter said. Ooh!

They are bouncing in their seats like they are trotting on ponies.

Charlene: Remind you of anything... BARB!!!

SCENE ll

The two women are still sitting in the plane, up in the air. Barb is filing her nails and Charlene is examining the dash of the plane, trying to make sense of the cryptic dials, numbers and words.

Charlene: Barb, it looks like we're cruising at 3000 feet.

Barb: Really, how can you tell?

Charlene: Well, that think must be an altimeter; otherwise, I guess we've gone 3000 miles.

Barb: We can't have gone that far; we've only been up here... (She looks at her watch.) for an hour and a half.

Charlene: Barb, you realize, don't you, that we're not going to make it.

Barb: Make what?

Charlene: We're not going to survive this thing! We're going to die!

Barb: Now, don't start that again. Good grief, I drove us down to Boston last month and got us home in one piece, didn't I?

Charlene: This isn't the interstate; and we're not in your Cutlass.

Barb: Someone's bound to start looking for us. Charlene, you worry too much. Worry, worry, worry. You worry about your kids, you worry about your pap smears, you worry about mud season... The only thing I'm worried about right now is how we're going to make this up to Ann. She should be marching down the aisle right about now. I hope she remembered to take her curlers out.

Charlene: Her son's graduation! God, I don't think he ever forgave her.

Barb: How about the time you showed up to the PTA meeting carrying a broom?

Charlene: The doctor had me all mixed up on my thyroid medication.

Barb: Maybe I should try turning this thing around.

Charlene: Barb, don't touch anything...

She does, though, and after a moment the women look at each other.

Barb: Sure is quiet.

Charlene: THE ENGINE! YOU TURNED OFF THE ENGINE!

Barb: Well, good grief, where was that knob when we needed it?

Barb pushes it again, the engine resumes and Charlene sighs with relief.

Charlene: Don't touch anything else.

Barb(Still scrutinizing the dash): Now, I think I'm starting to figure this out.

Charlene: Every time you start to think, it weakens the nation!

Barb: Everything's digital nowadays, one little touch and the whole works are gummed up.

Charlene: Oh, what the hell, try pushing this thing. It's right next to the compass.

Barb: Which way should I push it?

Charlene: Oh, try going left.

Barb(Pushes it then a pause): Well, I guess it wasn't the ejecter seat.

They continue to stare at the panel.

Barb: Look! The compass is starting to change... It says south.

Charlene: Keep jabbing it until is says...(She thinks.) south west.

Barb: Oh, this is fun. I just love it when we do something right. (Pause.) Look! We did it! It says southwest. We should be home in about an hour and a half. And you were worried!

Charlene: Look at that.

Barb: Look at what?

Charlene: That gauge. I think it's the gas gauge.

They look closely.

Barb: Oh. I guess we should have filled up before we left. (A half-hearted laugh.)

For goodness sake, Charlene, we can't be using that much fuel. Where's the button for coast?

Charlene: We're going to die, Barb.

Barb: No, we're not.

Charlene: Yes, we are.

Barb: No, we're not. I had my palm read and I'm supposed to remarry and live until I'm ninety. That's not for fifty more years.

Charlene: Forty-five.

Barb: Fifty. You never were any good at math.

Suddenly Charlene throws her arms around Barb.

Charlene: Barb, there's something I need to tell you.

Barb: What's that?

Charlene: This isn't going to be easy for me. I've felt guilty about it ever since it happened. I swore I'd never tell you, but I can't hold it in any longer.

Barb: For heaven's sake, Charlene, what is it?

Charlene: Promise you won't be mad?

Barb: I promise.

Charlene: You know I would never do anything to hurt you.

Barb: Okay.

Charlene: You've been my best friend for thirty years.

Barb: Yes, I know.

Charlene: I won't let anyone say a word against you.

Barb: I appreciate that.

Charlene: Just the other day Janet Cleary said something stupid and then said, "Why I sound just like Barb Blusher." Well, I want you to know that I went up one side of her and...

Barb: Just spit it out!

Charlene: All right. Barb, I went to bed with Ted before you filed for divorce.

Barb: You did what?

Charlene: Ted and I had an affair. Sort of. I mean, it just sort of happened. It didn't last long. Honestly, I don't know what was the matter with me, you are my best friend, Barb, and I never once in my life thought...

Barb: You and my Ted? My fat, bald, flatulent, loud-mouthed, good for nothing...

Charlene: Barb, you promised you wouldn't get angry...

Barb: ...yellow bellied, hairy nosed, low down, disgusting, flat footed...

Charlene: Barb, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I never meant for it to happen. If Sparky had just shown a little more interest in me... You don't know how I suffered with that man. And his family. Not once in twenty years did they ever make me feel welcome. When I think how I nursed his mother through the Hong Kong flu...

Barb: I think we're talking about how your best friend has been stabbed in the back by a her two timing, double crossing, knock kneed...

Charlene: Barb! Is that really necessary?

Barb: Well, what do you expect me to do? Slam the door in your face? You've got a lot of nerve getting me up here and dumping this on me!

Charlene: If you had the brains you were born with, we wouldn't be in this predicament. Do you think I like any of this? I just thought you ought to know before we die, I just had to get it off my chest.

Barb: Well, I certainly hope you feel better!

Charlene: Barb, I'm sorry. What else can I say?

Barb: Do you realize you could have given me AIDS?

Charlene: I don't have AIDS!

Barb: How do I know that? Charlene, I am never going to speak to you again as long as I live. You know how much I still love Ted... (she begins to cry)

Charlene: Barb? Do you really? You never told me that before... All you ever did was complain about him... I had no idea, I swear. I never would have gone near him otherwise. Barb, please forgive me, I'll do anything.

Barb: When I think of all we've been through together. Charlene, if it hadn't been for me you wouldn't have had a date for the senior prom!

Charlene: What do you mean?

Barb: I mean I bribed Peter Sanders to take you.

Charlene: You bribed him?

Barb: Well, Alice and I did.

Charlene: How?

Barb: Alice wrote his history essay and I had to teach him to French kiss.

Charlene(She is speechless for a moment): Well, you did a lousy job!

Barb: Oh it's all right, Charlene. You're not the only one.

Charlene: The only one what?

Barb: The only one to do something she regrets.

Charlene: What did you do?

Barb: Oh, just one little thing.

Charlene: What was it?

Barb: You promise you won't be mad?

Charlene: Come on, Barb.

Barb: I went to bed with Sparky.

Charlene: My Sparky?

Barb: How many Sparkys do we know? Yes, your Sparky. (Pointedly.) This was long after the two of you broke up. Remember when the Parkers threw that Mexican thing last summer?

Charlene: Vaguely.

Barb: Oh you know, they had that exchange student staying with them and had that party with all the Mexican food. Stanley Wooster got drunk and sang the "Frito Bandito".

Charlene: Oh, that's right, who could forget.

Barb: Well, I was one of the last ones to leave and old Sparky showed up. Millie fixed another pitcher of margaritas and the next thing I knew Sparky and I were making it in the boathouse.

Charlene: Well, I guess I deserve at least that.

Barb: There's just one thing I want to know, Charlene.

Charlene looks at her.

Barb: Why the hell do you call him "Sparky"?

They erupt in laughter.

Charlene: You're telling me? Poor Sparky. I gave him the best years of my life, though, and I don't have any regrets. We've got Jenny and Brendon, Jr. and some nice memories.

While she is reminiscing, Barb finds a flask of whiskey in the back seat and starts to drink it; Charlene doesn't notice at first.

Charlene: I'll never forget the time we went to Atlantic City... Sparky got so excited at the roulette table he threw up. (Pensively.) They probably had to close that one down for the rest of the night. I offered to clean up the wheel but they just wanted us out of...

She notices Barb drinking from the flask.

Charlene: And just what the hell do you think you're doing?

Barb: Nothing.

Charlene: Give me that bottle.

Barb: What for?

Charlene: What do you mean drinking at a time like this? Do you have any idea how dangerous that it? Is that what you and Walter get up to in here? I mean, really, Barb, what kind of a woman have you become?

Barb: Oh, good grief, Charlene, you're making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Charlene: Give me the bottle, Barb.

Barb: No.

Charlene: All right, that's it. I'll just have to take it from you.

They start to struggle over the bottle; Charlene manages to wrest it away and when Barb goes to retrieve it, she rips Charlene's blouse almost completely off, simultaneously the contents spill out over them both and the plane starts to nose dive.

Charlene: Pull up! Pull up!

Barb rights the plane and pats her hair into place. Charlene begins to hyperventilate again. Barb reaches into her purse and takes out a small bottle.

Barb(Handing one to Charlene): Here, take one of these.

Charlene: What is it?

Barb: Just something that will calm you down. Good grief, Charlene, you're going to get us killed if you keep this up.

Charlene(Gasping): I'm not taking any of your pills, Barb.

Barb: Just take one.

Charlene: No, I'm not ...

Just then there is a crashing noise as a bird collides with the airplane. Charlene grabs the bottle and downs the contents in one fell swoop. There is loud crunching noises as she frantically chews the pills.

Barb: Oh, a poor little bird just ran into us. Look, see the feathers stuck to the windshield? I don't think I've ever even hit a bird with my car. (After a moment.) Well, this is turning out to be a bad day, isn't it.

Charlene looks at her and slinks down from her chair out of view.

SCENE III

As the scene opens, both women are asleep. Charlene has her head thrown back and is snoring; Barb has her head to one side. Slowly, Barb begins to stir and look around and realize where she is.

Barb: Charlene... Charlene... wake up (She looks at her watch.) Charlene!

Charlene: What? (Looks confused for a moment.) We're still in hell, aren't we?

Barb: It's three o'clock. We've been up here almost four hours.

Charlene(Groggy): I wonder where we are.

Barb: Well, we could try the radio again.

Charlene: Just now I have a more pressing problem.

Barb: What's the matter?

Charlene: I've got to go to the bathroom.

Barb: Back of the plane, no smoking...

Charlene: This isn't a joke!

Barb: Well, I suppose I could stand to myself, but...

Charlene: No, you don't understand. I really have to go. I mean, there's no way out of this.

Barb: Well, look around, there must be something you can pee in.

Charlene(She begins rummaging around): How about this? (She pulls out a cowboy hat.)

Barb: God, Walter will kill you! (She begins giggling.)

Charlene: It's either that or pee on the floor; you decide!

Barb: Oh, go ahead. We can just throw it out the window afterwards.

Charlene: You can't open up the damn window; we'd be sucked out of here in a second. How have you managed to stay alive this long?

Barb: Well, I certainly don't want to fill the plane with fumes.

Charlene: So sorry to inconvenience you. If I had known this morning we were going to take a joy ride around New England I'd have brought my catheter!

Barb: You're getting on my nerves, Charlene.

Charlene: Oh, really? How interesting. How very, very interesting. I'm getting on you nerves. I wasn't going to tell you this but you've pushed me over the edge.

Barb: What's that supposed to mean?

Charlene: You've gone too far. You drag me out to the airport, you get me up in the air like this and then you hurl insults. Well, honey, I didn't have to be with you today. I didn't have to sing with you at Ann's wedding. I'm here out of the goodness of my heart!

Barb: What's that about Ann's wedding?

Charlene: Forget it. If I was as mean as you say a thing or two.

Barb: You're just making this up, anyway. You're the one that's mean.

Charlene: She wanted me and Claire Stevens to sing, that's what! I had to beg her to let you!

Barb: Ann? I don't believe you.

Charlene: I told her if you didn't sing, I didn't sing. That's the kind of friend I am to you!

Barb: She's just jealous!

Charlene: Jealous! Jealous! She's afraid you're going to stand up on the piano and perform a tap dance. She's afraid you're going to pull your dress up over your head and do the tango. Good God, last year when you sang at Art Sander's funeral, you sat on the casket!

A moment of silence between them.

Charlene: You just don't know when to quit, ever. Always the center of attention. No matter who gets hurt. No price is too big as long as someone else pays it.

Another moment of silence.

Barb: I shall be forever grateful, Charlene, that during the final hours of my life you decided to tell me what you think of me. And what I suppose everyone else thinks of me. I owe you a debt of gratitude. To think I might have perished with my illusions. Thank you for setting things straight.

An awkward silence ensues.

Charlene: Barb, I didn't mean to upset you. It's just that I'm at the end of my...

Barb: No need to apologize. Nothing you could say now would make any difference anyway. You'll be relieved to know that I do not plan to speak to you ever again as long as I live.

Another miserable silence and then Barb grabs the cowboy hat.

Barb: You're on your own, partner!

Charlene: Barb, give me that back.

Barb(In a babyish voice): What's the matter, widdle girl got to go potty?

Charlene: This is typical of you!

Barb: If I had a faucet, I'd turn it on!

Charlene: Why, you, miserable...

(Charlene goes for Barb and they struggle over the hat; suddenly, the plane goes into a spin)

Charlene and Barb: Aah!

They have their arms wrapped around each other as they scream; after a few moments the plane rights itself.

Barb and Charlene(Variously): Oh dear, God, great heavens, good grief, I don't believe it, this is too much...

When the plane settles down, they compose themselves.

Barb: I'm sorry, Charlene. That was awful of me. Here, take Walter's hat.

Charlene: Too late.

At this point Charlene's dress is ripped open and wet on the seat, her hair and makeup are a mess.

Barb: You've been a great friend to me and I don't deserve it. I can't believe I got you into this mess. You're right. You're 100 percent right. I am a walking disaster.

Charlene: Well, now you're a flying disaster, but...

Barb: Don't try to make jokes. On top of everything else, I'm a poor singer. That's why Ann didn't want me. You've been covering for me in Randolph Singers. I don't know how I ever got in that group.

Charlene: That's not true. Now stop. I should never have told you that. You're right, Ann's just jealous. She knows old moneybags has the hots for you.

Barb: No, don't bother, Charlene. All I ever wanted in my life was to sing. My mother pushed me into nursing school to marry a doctor and I wound up with Ted selling medical supplies. I'm not good at marriage, I'm not good at singing, I'm not good at anything.

Charlene: That's enough. You stuck it out with Ted for fifteen years, no one can take that away from you. And you can too sing! You've got a beautiful voice! And what feeling! When you sang Steal Away in church there wasn't a dry eye in the house.

Barb: Oh, pooh. You're just saying that. (Cheering up.)

Charlene: No I'm not. (Pause.) I'm just sorry we're not going to sing that new song I wrote.

Barb: It really is beautiful. Much too nice for that phony Ann. I wish someone would write a nice song for me.

Charlene: With your creativity, you could write your own song.

Barb: Oh, no I couldn't, never.

Charlene: You've just got to think of something special to say and then say it!

Barb: You make it sound so easy.

Charlene: It is easy! And it has to rhyme, that's the best part. When you know it has to rhyme you can narrow down what you're going to say after each line.

Barb: I was never good at rhyming.

Charlene: Let's try it.

Barb: You mean right here? Right now?

Charlene: Why not? I'll start... Let's see, something about you and me...

Barb: And all the fun we have?

Charlene: Well, sure, and you know, what a great team we are. How much we've gone through together.

Barb: How we're inseparable!

Charlene: How we're... (Music begins.)

Charlene

...Two friends from two ends of the street,

A pair with a flair who would share,

Our most intimate things, (even lend diamond rings),

There's no way I would give up my seat.

Men come and go in our lives

(Barb sings this line) Some of them even have wives,

But it always grieves me, when they love me they leave me

And down I go in a nose dive.

(Together) Look up, things are going to look up soon,

One day we'll be singing a different tune,

Spread our wings, we'll take up the whole blue sky,

Throw off your seat belt, we're going to fly!

(Charlene)

My children are never about,

I've lost my control and my clout,

When they call on the phone, I ask when they'll be home,

They say Roger and over and out.

(Barb)

Chocolate is my biggest sin,

The bulge is determined to win.

If I jiggle my middle, my thighs also wiggle,

And when I walk now my tail has a wind.

(Together)

Look up, things are going to look up soon,

One day we'll be singing a different tune,

Spread our wings, we'll take up the whole blue sky,

Throw off your seat belt, we're going...

(Barb) Tomorrow, there's no way of knowing...

(Charlene) The right wind might just be blowing!

(Together) Throw off your seat belt, we're going to fly!

(Suddenly)

Barb: Something's going on with the radio! I think someone's trying to reach us!

Barb grabs for the radio and puts on the headset.

Barb: Hello, this is Barb Blusher, is anyone there?... Yes, yes! We're all right but we don't know how to land!... Who is this? Traffic control? Well, it's kind of a long story, but... (To Charlene.) We're approaching Lebanon, how did we get way over there? Oh, NEW HAMPSHIRE... What's that? Walter's there? Can you put him on?... Hi darling!... Now, Walter calm down. It was a perfectly innocent mistake... Well, I had the keys made, you know how you're always losing them so I thought... Well, we were looking for my earring and Charlene hit something, you know how big her hips are... So, what are we supposed to do? Put the traffic guy back on for heaven's sake, and get a grip on yourself. (To Charlene.) I think he's calling his proctologist about now... Okay, this blue dial, set it to... uh huh... Take it OFF autopilot? Okay... You know a minute ago we started to spin downwards and then the plane righted itself... Really, if you leave it alone it straightens itself out... Uh huh, uh huh... (To Charlene.) He said if we were any smarter we'd be dead... What's that? Start to descend... I pull this lever slowly, real slow... The altimeter says 2,400 feet, okay, keep going down... Which one is the gas gauge? On the far right... Ooh, that doesn't look too good... How will I know when I run out of gas?...

Charlene: Barb, it's been quiet ever since you took it off autopilot.

Barb: Mr. er, Howard, yes, I think we're out of gas. Is that a problem? (To Charlene.) He wants to know if we know how to glide, do you?... No we don't know how to glide, Mr. Howard. What's that?... Uh, huh. (To Charlene.) He thinks we can make it to the K-Mart Shopping Plaza- God, usually I wouldn't be caught dead there... Yes, Mr. Howard? No, I'm not nervous, are you?... Just take deep breaths... Now it reads 1,000 feet... (To Charlene.) Look, there's the shopping center! There's that cute little Mexican restaurant. I've always wanted to go in there...

Charlene: Pay attention!

Barb: What's that? Oh, circle the parking lot... Now it reads 300 feet... Push down a little more... (To Charlene, thrilled.) He says they've cleared traffic for 5 miles, can you believe it? Look, those must be ambulances and wow, look at the police cars! Do you suppose there'll be any television cameras?

Charlene groans.

Barb: Okay, Mr. Howard, we're touching down... Get ready... Going down... We've got it... I'm ready... Hold on to your hat, Charlene... WE'RE DOWN!!! HIT THE BRAKES! HIT THE BRAKES! CHARLENE, WHERE THE HELL ARE THE BRAKES!

The two scramble madly for the brakes.

Charlene: We're gonna hit the... we're gonna hit the... we're gonna hit the...

Charlene and Barb: Aah!

In the impact they disappear beneath the seats. There is the sound of broken glass for several moments. They slowly stick their heads up and look around.

Barb: Charlene! I found it! Look, my earring, I found it! (She looks up for a minute.) Would you look at those prices! Two dollars for a taco! I've never heard of anything like that in my life! Oh, here comes help! Charlene, smile pretty, I think they're going to take our picture!

Charlene finds the paper bag and puts it over her head.

THE END