YOUNG CHARLES DICKENS INVENTS THE CHRISTMAS
CAROL
A full length play
Maura Campbell
233 Crescent Road,
802/578-4857; ibsen3000@yahoo.com
Tim,
an American boy
Charles
Dickens, an English boy
Mother,
Tim’s mother
Various
choruses
Kings,
Queens and subjects from 1066 to the present
Action
takes place in Tim’s bedroom, Christmas eve.
When the lights come up, TIM is lying in his bed. His leg in a cast. His mother, MOM, is picking up his things, tidying, etc., before bed. It is Christmas Eve.
MOM
It’s no wonder you broke your leg the way you leave stuff lying all around. Do you have to go to the bathroom?
TIM
No, Mom.
MOM
Need a glass of water?
TIM
No, Mom.
MOM
Try and be happy. It’s Christmas Eve! Santa is coming in a few hours.
She sits down on his bed.
TIM
Yeah, big deal.
MOM
Now, you wouldn’t want Santa to hear you say that!
TIM
I haven’t believed in Santa Claus since I was in the second grade. Matter of fact, I don’t believe in anything.
MOM
Don’t say that. Don’t ever say that. Why, it’s Christmas Eve-
TIM
You said that already.
MOM
Do you know that wishes can come true on Christmas Eve?
TIM
Yeah, well, I have a wish. A big wish.
MOM
What is it?
TIM
You know.
MOM
About your father and me.
TIM doesn’t answer.
MOM
I know it’s hard. This is our first Christmas without him. But you’ll be seeing him tomorrow. He’s picking you up after we have our Christmas.
TIM
Yeah.
She kisses him and tucks him in.
MOM
Don’t forget to make your wish.
MOM exits. The lights go down a bit. TIM lies in the semi-darkness.
TIM
Bah, humbug!
TIM closes his eyes and goes to sleep. The lights go down some more. A few moments later, they come up in a spot. A twelve year old boy in a Santa Claus suit with smudges of black on his face, CHARLES DICKENS, is looking at TIM’S bookcases.
CHARLES takes a book out and goes to sit down. Absentmindedly, he trips over a small table and falls to the floor. TIM wakes up.
TIM
Mom? Who?
He puts on a lamp.
TIM
Who are you?
CHARLES
Now, who left that in the way?
TIM
It’s not in the way.
CHARLES
Well, it is. It’s right in the way. I tripped over it.
TIM
You’re in my room.
CHARLES
You’re in my room!
TIM
Am not.
CHARLES
Are too.
CHARLES
Look, I was on a new story, something about Christmas, that’s it, I’m writing a Christmas story. Something about a poor boy, you know the poor have a dreadful time in London, and I… Well… That’s funny. Now I remember. I fell asleep at my desk.
CHARLES looks around.
CHARLES
It certainly doesn’t look like my room.
TIM
That’s because it’s my room.
CHARLES
Who are you?
TIM
Who are you?
CHARLES
I’m Charles Dickens.
TIM
Charles Dickens.
CHARLES
Yes, Charles Dickens.
TIM
From England?
CHARLES
Of course from England. Where else?
TIM
Charles Dickens is dead. He died in the 1800’s.
CHARLES
That’s the nastiest rumor I’ve ever heard.
TIM
Now, you get out of here before I-
CHARLES
What’s with you leg?
TIM
What?
CHARLES
You’ve got some kind of brace on it, have you?
TIM
No, it’s…
CHARLES
Say, your name’s not Tim, is it?
TIM
As a matter of fact-
CHARLES
Well, that’s it! It all makes sense.
TIM
It does?
CHARLES
I’m having a bloody dream! I was sitting up in bed writing about a boy named Tim who is having a nasty time at Christmas and there you are!
TIM
You mean the Christmas Carol?
CHARLES
The what?
TIM
The Christmas Carol. About a boy named Tim and Mr. Scrooge and the ghosts of Christmas past, Christmas present-
CHARLES
Hold on, I’ve got to write this down. What splendid ideas you have!
I suppose you’ll want credit. Oh, wait a moment! This is only a dream!
TIM
You must be right. This is a dream. I can see that now. It’s Christmas Eve, I was feeling sorry for myself. But why are you dressed in that suit?
CHARLES
What suit?
TIM
I really must be getting back to sleep. Do you mind?
CHARLES
Not at all. I’ll just sit here and… nod off myself.
The two try and sleep and ignore each other.
TIM
I can’t do this. I cannot sleep with you in the room.
CHARLES
Well, where am I supposed to go? This is your dream too, you know.
TIM
Somehow I get the idea that this is all your fault.
CHARLES
You’re an American, aren’t you.
TIM
Of course I’m an American.
CHARLES
That explains it. You Americans are always blaming someone else for your problems. Land of plenty and all that, you’ve got it too easy.
TIM
Easy?
CHARLES
You fought that little Revolutionary War back in the seventeen hundreds. Killed off all the Indians. We had to deal with Napoleon.
TIM
Tomorrow’s Christmas and my Dad ‘s not here. How could anything be harder than that?
CHARLES
That’s tough all right.
TIM
You can say that again.
CHARLES
Course, it’s not as hard as the Vikings.
TIM
Who?
Suddenly, a group of VIKINGS runs across the stage, whooping and hollering.
CHARLES
Vikings. They invaded England religiously some thousand years or so ago. Ever see anyone with red hair?
The VIKINGS charge across again.
TIM
So what happened?
CHARLES
Oh, things were in a constant uproar until 1066 or so.
TIM
1066? You mean William the Conquerer?
CHARLES
So you know about him?
TIM
Everybody knows about William the Conquerer. I’m even related to him.
CHARLES
He was a Norseman. From Normandy.
TIM
He was French.
CHARLES
He was a Norman! That means he was from the Norse. Viking blood!
TIM
So the Vikings won after all.
CHARLES
It was the glorious Battle of Hastings. William landed with his fleet to challenge Harold the Second.
TIM
How do you know all this?
CHARLES
Why, I learn it in school. Don’t you?
There is a battle onstage between the NORMANS and the ENGLISH. WILLIAM fights HAROLD, who wears a crown. WILLIAM kills him. Another soldier puts the crown on WILLIAM’S head.
BISHOP
On this Christmas Day, year 1066, by the authority vested in me by the Holy Pope of Rome, I crown thee William the First!
The crowd cheers.
WILLIAM
And I promise to bring England under my heel, to burn and pillage and destroy village and city until this fair land loves me with all her heart!
WILLIAM turns to TIM.
WILLIAM
What say you?
TIM
Um, oui, Monsieur?
WILLIAM
Where are my sons?
WILLIAM THE SECOND, and HENRY I come forward.
WILLIAM 1
Billy!
WILLIAM 2
Yes, Father.
WILLIAM 1
You’re a red haired lout and will make a lousy king some day, but you’re my boy and I love you.
WILLIAM2
I’ve decided when I become king, to build Westminister Abbey.
WILLIAM 1
What about you, Henry?
HENRY
I’ve decided to have you shot through the head with an arrow, Billy. So that I can become king faster.
WILLIAM
That’s my boys!
WALTER TIRYL starts chasing WILLIAM 2 around the stage with a bow and arrow.
HENRY
Get him Walter! Get him!
The crowd disperses. CHARLES and TIM are left alone.
TIM
What an awful bunch!
CHARLES
Oh, they weren’t so bad. The women could be worse. After Henry died, his daughter Matilda became queen.
MATILDA comes on stage.
CHARLES
Of course, there were those who believed that only a man should be crowned.
STEPHEN comes on stage and stands next to MATILDA.
STEPHEN
Now, Matilda.
MATILDA
Now, Stephen.
STEPHEN
We’re cousins. Right? And your father told me on his death bed that I should succeed him as King of England.
MATILDA
Did not.
STEPHEN
Did too.
MATILDA
Why, you-
They begin to fight.
TIM
Wait a minute, wait a minute. You’re going to wake my mom up!
MATILDA
Look, this is the twelfth century. Do you believe a woman should be allowed to rule a country?
TIM
Why, I-
CHARLES
Psst! Psst!
TIM
What?
CHARLES
Tell her, “yes.”
TIM
But I have to give it some thought.
CHARLES
Think about this. Matilda believes in ripping a body from limb to limb to get the answer she want.
TIM
Oh, I see. Um, Matilda? I personally think only women should rule countries.
MATILDA
See?
They continue to fight and fight their way offstage.
CHARLES
Stephen won.
MATILDA(Offstage)
I’ll get you one day, you stag smelling spike horn!
CHARLES
After Stephen died, Matilda’s son, Henry was crowned King of England.
TIM
That would be Henry the second?
CHARLES
Henry Plantagenet. French, you know. They say the Plantagenet’s were descended from the devil. It’s even in history books.
TIM
Wow! Did they have horns?
CHARLES
Under all that hair, who could tell?
TIM
And they ruled England?
CHARLES
From Henry the second to Richard the third. He was the last Plantagenet king. About three hundred years.
TIM
Wasn’t he the one married to Eleanor of Aquitine?
CHARLES
Ah, Eleanor. The most beautiful woman in all of Europe.
ELEANOR comes onstage.
CHARLES
She was queen of France, you know. She divorced her husband to marry the nineteen year old heir to the English throne.
TIM
I guess Henry was really something, huh, Dickens?
ELEANOR
Rosamunde, oh Rosamunde?
ROSAMUNDE runs onstage.
ELEANOR
I understand you are having an affair with my husband.
ROSAMUNDE
Oh, well, he is the king, my lady.
ELEANOR
Henry! Oh, Henry!
HENRY II runs onstage.
HENRY
Yes, my little battleax?
ELEANOR
She’s very sweet, Henry. I think it’s time she joined a religious order. That is, unless you’d like her to join a heavenly order?
ROSAMUNDE runs offstage.
HENRY
There, that’s settled. By the way, you know that cute little French princess we thought would make Richard such a fair wife?
ELEANOR
Alais? You mean the four year old?
RICHARD enters.
RICHARD
I won’t marry her, I won’t! I won’t! I won’t! I won’t! I’m going on a crusade and I’m going to kill the heretics and that’s all I’m going to do!
ELEANOR
Now, Richard-
RICHARD
And I’m going to wear pink and orange and purple stockings and no one’s going to stop me. Crusaders! Oh, Crusaders!
The CRUSADERS enter.
RICHARD
On to the Holy Land, on to the birthplace of our Savior! In His name we shall pillage and rape and plunder! On to the Holy Land for the glory of God!
All the CRUSADERS cheer.
ELEANOR
Boys will be boys!
The CRUSADERS run off screaming.
JOHN, HENRY’S son, enters.
JOHN
Don’t worry, Father. Things could be worse.
HENRY
I don’t see how.
JOHN
But, Father. You have three sons. Richard, who only wants to kill people, Henry, your heir, who will die young and break your heart. And me, John, your favorite. Why, in a few years I’ll betray you, too. See? Things could definitely be worse.
ELEANOR
Now, John, you’re being unfair to yourself.
JOHN
Am I, Mother?
ELEANOR
Why, during your reign the Magna Carta was written.
JOHN
You’re right!
ELEANOR
The Magna Carta gave rights to free men for the first time in English history! Why, if you hadn’t been such a miserable, blackhearted King, we would never have made such advances!
JOHN
Oh.
CHARLES
Pardon me, but we’ve spent enough time on your family.
ELEANOR
That’s because we’re so interesting.
CHARLES
I know, I know, but we’ve got a lot of ground to cover before morning and-
ELEANOR
Why, there’s even a play written about us, called A Lion In Winter. Katherine Hepburn played me, of course, you can see I’m much more beautiful-
CHARLES
Guards?
Three soldiers enter and drag her off.
ELEANOR
Henry wasn’t the powerful one, I was the powerful one-
TIM
Man! I would hate to be born into that family.
CHARLES
I’ve got a friend named David Copper. His mum locked him in a trunk for three days. How would you like a family like that?
TIM
I wouldn’t.
CHARLES Or how would you like it if your father was dead?
TIM
I wouldn’t!
CHARLES
A lot of our kings didn’t have parents.
TIM
Not even one?
CHARLES
Poor Henry the third had to become king when he was only nine years old because his father died and they wouldn’t even let him see him mother.
JOHN is laid out, dead. HENRY III is by his side.
HENRY III
Oh, Father, why must you die?
JOHN
Tis wickedness, my son. Wickedness that has killed me. I over ate, over drank, and never once cut my toenails.
HENRY III
God will forgive you, Father!
JOHN
Lead a good life, my son. (He starts to croak.)
A chorus of Londoners come on stage. Someone hands TIM a crown and indicates that he should put it on HENRY’S head.
HENRYIII(Gets up)
I swear to marry the woman of my dreams, to protect the poor, to use England’s money to support my worthless French relatives. I promise to tear down Westminister Abbey and rebuild it - all at the public’s expense. Because… I want to!
JOHN
You’re going to be a boring king. (He dies.)
HENRYIII
I, Henry III, will be… a boring king!
EDWARD I enters in a flourish.
EDWARD I
Not I, Edward the first! It’s off… off to the Crusades with me where I will slaughter innocent women and children, and personally capture the town of Nazareth.
EDWARD I brandishes his sword and “fights” for a few moments attacking TIM’S furniture and so on. CHARLES and TIM look at each other helplessly.
CHARLES
Party’s over, your highness. We’ve just received word that your father is dead. We must return to England.
EDWARD I
But there’s still several heathens left alive!
CHARLES
Can’t be helped, my lord. Duty calls.
EDWARD I
Oh well, then. I’m thirsty as the devil anyway. Hot work, killing heathens.
CHARLES(To TIM)
Better get him some water. Maybe he’ll leave.
TIM gets out of bed. EDWARD I, exhausted, lies down.
TIM’S MOTHER enters.
MOM
Tim! What are you doing out of bed?
TIM
I, uh, I’m thirsty. I was going to get a glass of water.
MOM
Well, for heaven’s sake, get off that foot.
She puts him in bed next to EDWARD I.
MOM(As she exits)
I swear I don’t know what goes on inside that boy’s head.
TIM
Excuse me, but this is my bed-
EDWARD I
What a strange accent you have.
TIM
Accent?
EDWARD I
You’re not English are you.
TIM
As a matter of fact-
EDWARD I
What rotten luck, I’m camped on the Scottish border.
A chorus of Scottish people appears on stage, all dressed as savage warriors. Someone plays a bagpipe. WILLIAM WALLACE steps forward.
WALLACE
I, William Wallace, swear by the bones of my Scottish ancestors, to fight for Scotland’s freedom till my last breath. If I must live where eagle’s make their nests, and where the mountain torrents roar, and the bitter winds blow round my head-
EDWARD(Standing on TIM’S bed)
Guards! Seize him!
Two GUARDS seize WALLACE. WALLACE turns to the crowd of SCOTS.
WALLACE
Who among you has betrayed me?
No one says anything. A moment later, one of them runs offstage. WALLACE is taken away. Solemnly, all the other characters exit. TIM watching quietly.
TIM
What happened to him?
CHARLES
Well.
TIM
Did he go to prison?
CHARLES
For a little while.
TIM
What did he do wrong?
CHARLES
The English - us - well, we have a bad habit of trying to rule other countries.
TIM
So you ruled Scotland?
CHARLES(With a laugh)
As much as anyone can rule Scotland.
TIM
So what happened to… what’s his name?
CHARLES
William Wallace. He was hanged, drawn and quartered. His head was set upon a pole on London Bridge.
Another SCOTSMAN comes onstage.
SCOTSMAN
And Wallace will be remembered in songs and stories, while there are songs and stories in the English tongue, and Scotland will hold him dear while her lakes and mountain last.
The chorus comes downstage and sings.
Green alive, the
Scottish hills,
Green alive, the land
we love,
And alive, alive the
prince of Scottish fame.
If you live a thousand
years
If you shed ten
thousand tears,
Don’t cry for Wallace,
William Wallace is his name.
Green alive, the
Scottish heart,
Still alive is
William’s dream,
And his blood now runs
through Scotland’s veins.
There’s no other land
for me
Than the one whose
liberty
Was fought and died
for, William Wallace, say his name.
MOTHER reenters.
MOM
I’m glad to see you’re still in bed. Here’s your water.
TIM looks like he is about to cry.
MOM
Oh, honey, what’s the matter?
TIM
I’m just feeling sad.
MOM
I know you feel like you’re the only one with bad luck.
TIM
No, I don’t feel like that.
MOM
All right. Get to sleep now.
MOTHER exits.
CHARLES
Are you going to drink all that water?
TIM
What? Oh, are you thirsty?
CHARLES
Well. A little. I haven’t had any for a few days.
TIM
Why not?
CHARLES
Water’s scarce, just now at the factory. They need most of it for the blacking.
TIM
Blacking?
CHARLES
Don’t you have blacking factories?
TIM
I don’t think so.
CHARLES
We make black polish. For leather and things like that. It’s useful work.
TIM gives him the glass. CHARLES drinks it down greedily.
CHARLES
Smashing.
Suddenly EDWARD II runs onstage. He hides behind a piece of furniture.
TIM
Can I help you…? I’m sorry, this seems to be my room…
EDWARD II
Sh!
TIM
What?
EDWARD II
She’ll hear!
TIM
Who?
EDWARD II
Isabella!
CHARLES(to TIM)
I think that must be Edward II.
TIM
Who?
CHARLES
Excuse me, sire, but Queen Isabella is not here.
EDWARD II
Are you sure?
CHARLES
Quite.
EDWARD II gets to his feet.
EDWARD II
I should have killed Roger Mortimer when I had the chance! Imagine running off to France like that with my wife. And now those two have the gall to hunt me down like a common criminal.
CHARLES
But you have been a bit, shall we say, incompetent.
TIM
Charles! You’re talking to a king!
CHARLES
I don’t care. (To EDWARD II.) You insulted the barons, ignored your wife - it’s no wonder she’s taken up with Roger Mortimer - bungled things on the Welsh and Scottish borders -
EDWARD II
I’m a good father.
CHARLES
And a bad king. Isabella will have her way.
ISABELLA enters with her army.
ISABELLA
Seize him!
The army seizes EDWARD II.
EDWARD II
You can’t do this! I’m king of England!
ISABELLA
Put him in the tower.
The ARMY takes EDWARD II away.
ISABELLA(To audience)
There will be no mark on his body. The world will imagine he died of natural causes.
A SOLDIER enters.
SOLDIER
Queen Isabella… the manner of death… there is no precedent… it is kinder to rip him limb from limb…
ISABELLA
There will be no mark upon his body for anyone to see. Proceed with the execution.
A blood curdling scream is heard from offstage.
TIM
What did they-
CHARLES
The answer to that is best read, not heard. Enough to say that his screams of agony were heard not only through Berkeley Castle but as far as the village.
EDWARD III enters with the CHORUS. He looks at his mother; he is as cold as ice.
ISABELLA
My son!
CHORUS
Long live Edward the third!
EDWARD III comes forward and faces the audience. ISABELLA stands next to him.
ISABELLA
Edward, I-
EDWARD III
History will say I spared my mother, but there will be no mercy for Roger Mortimer.
ISABELLA
He was a fool-
EDWARD III
He was my father!
ISABELLA
You are still a child.
EDWARD III
He will suffer as my father suffered.
ISABELLA(On her knees)
Mercy!
EDWARD III walks away a few paces.
EDWARD III
Very well. Mercy. (To the CHORUS.) Hang him.
The CHORUS takes one of the actors away. A few of them lead ISABELLA away, as well.
EDWARD III looks as the audience.
EDWARD III
What of a king?
What of his fame,
What will fate bring
To his name?
What of a life,
What of my name,
How to survive
This great shame?
I am a king,
And born to reign
But how to survive
My own name?
EDWARD III looks appealingly at the audience. RICHARD II enters.
RICHARD II
Grandfather?
EDWARD III looks at him.
RICHARD II
I heard my father is ill to death. Is that true? Grandfather, is that true?
EDWARD III looks at RICHARD II with love and pain.
EDWARD III
What of a boy,
What of his pain?
How will he survive
All… all our shame.
EDWARD III pats RICHARD II on the head and exits. RICHARD II looks confused a moment, then he squares his shoulders. He looks at TIM and CHARLES.
RICHARD II
Hello.
TIM and CHARLES
Hello.
RICHARD II
I suppose you’re here to play with me.
TIM
Who are you?
CHARLES
Um, he means, how are you? (Whispers.) It’s Richard II, you moron!
RICHARD II
My mother said you were both of good family. I wouldn’t want to play with peasants.
TIM
I’m no peasant!
RICHARD II
My tutor is Sir Simon Burley. He says I am very bright.
CHARLES
I’m sure he does.
RICHARD II
It is difficult to be a king at ten years old, but I am bright, so there you have it.
TIM
Have what?
RICHARD II
I am competent. England is safe in my hands. Are you ten yet?
TIM and CHARLES
Twelve.
RICHARD II
Oh. You may be older, but I am king.
CHARLES
Richard the second, is that how you are called?
RICHARD II
You may call me, “Your Majesty.”
TIM
Nice to meet you, your majesty.
RICHARD II
Shall we play a game? I will make up the rules.
TIM
That’s not fair. We should all make them.
RICHARD II
When you are king, you can make the rules. I intend to put the Magna Carta on the shelf, and rule as absolute monarch. Do you like sweets?
CHARLES
It is better to give the people some power, your majesty.
RICHARD II
Let’s play hide and seek. I will close my eyes and count to ten (he closes his eyes) and you will hide behind those rocks where I can find you. Go on.
RICHARD II stands in front of the audience with his eyes closed.
CHARLES
He abdicated, you know. His cousin, Henry Bolinbroke, challenged him with an army of twenty thousand. At the end of his reign, Richard II was without friends and supporters.
RICHARD II
One, two, three, four, five, six…
CHARLES
Though he did sponsor Chaucer. Loved literature.
RICHARD II
…seven, eight, nine…
CHARLES
Henry imprisoned him in the tower for two years. No one knows how he died.
RICHARD II
Ten! Ready or not, here I come!
RICHARD II looks around, frightened.
RICHARD II
Why… where is everybody?
The light goes down on RICHARD II. He exits; HENRY IV enters, triumphantly.
TIM
Now what?
CHARLES
It’s Henry IV.
HENRY IV
I’ve every right to claim the throne as mine.
I’m absolutely the very next in line.
I’m related on my mother’s side,
And royal on my father’s side,
And everyone who’s competent has died,
So I’ve every right to claim the throne as mine.
I speak English like an Englishman.
You see, before me there was actually none
For all the kings and queens before
Spoke French, you see, oh what a bore,
But now “la porte” becomes a door!
There’ll be no, “oui, oui,” anymore,
Besides, we’re always off to war
With France. Pull out your tongue!
If you can’t speak English like an Englishman.
CHORUS stands behind him.
We all speak English like an Englishman.
We promise that we’ll pull out all our tongues,
If we should utter any syllable,
Verb or noun or any partable
Of speech in French. We’ll all be hung!
If we don’t speak English like an Englishman!
ONE ACTOR
Oh, mon Dieu!
The CHORUS surrounds the ACTOR with swords drawn. The ACTOR clears his throat.
ACTOR(In a strong Cockney accent)
All right, all right, I get the point!
CHORUS
So speak the language like an Englishman!
Lights go down, then up on HENRY V. CHARLES becomes excited.
CHARLES
Do you see that?
TIM
What?
CHARLES
It’s Henry V! Prince Hal, Shakespeare calls him. Our most valiant, most beloved king in history. With eight thousand English soldiers, he defeated 50,000 French.
FRENCHMAN enters with KING CHARLES, the French king.
KING CHARLES
Merde! What does this Englishman want?
FRENCHMAN
Um, (looks at a paper.) It says he wants Normandy, Touraine, Maine, the Angevin empire, two million crowns and your daughter, Catherine.
HENRY V
“Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more,
Or close the wall up with our English dead.
In peace there’s nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility,
But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger.”
KING CHARLES
Well, if he puts it like that, I don’t see how I can refuse.
The FRENCHMEN exit. HENRY V starts to stagger.
HENRY V
I’m not feeling so good.
CHARLES and TIM catch him.
CHARLES(Whispering)
He died of dysentery nine years later. (To HENRY V.) King Hal, is there anything we can do for you?
HENRY V
Where is my son?
HENRY VI enters. He is a one-year old baby. He crawls in.
HENRY V
My son!
HENRY VI
Ga ga!
HENRY V
I leave you… my crown. (He puts the crown on his head.) And my blessing.
HENRY VI looks uninterested as his father crawls off and dies. He sucks on a bottle. Suddenly he begins to cry.
TIM
What’s the matter with him?
CHARLES starts pulling at HENRY VI’s toes.
CHARLES
This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home…
HENRY VI wails louder.
CHARLES
I think we need to change his nappy. You go ahead.
TIM
Oh, no, not me!
JOAN OF ARC enters. The CHORUS puts firewood around her.
CHARLES
Uh oh.
TIM
Who’s that?
CHARLES
Joan of Arc.
TIM
You don’t mean… the Joan of Arc?
CHARLES
She led the French army against the English. England lost all the land that King Hal gained for us.
HENRY VI stands up. He is a man now.
HENRY VI
It’s about time we got rid of that witch!
CHARLES and TIM look stunned.
HENRY VI
So I grew up. It happens.
He goes over to JOAN.
HENRY VI
You’ve caused England all the trouble you’re going to in this life, young lady!
JOAN
Not to worry, your majesty. In the next life, I’m sure to have victory.
HENRY VI
Burn her!
TIM comes forward.
TIM
No!
Everyone looks at him.
TIM
She’s a saint!
FIRST ACTOR
Are you a heretic, as well? Perhaps we need two funeral pyres!
CHORUS roars its assent. CHARLES comes up and takes TIM aside.
CHARLES
Tim, what you’re seeing, well, it’s history. It’s already happened.
TIM
But…
CHARLES
What Joan said is right. She will have victory in the next life.
TIM
But what a way to go!
The lights go down on stage except for a red glow that represents the fire. When the lights return to normal, the stage is empty except for CHARLES and TIM. TIM takes a book down from the bookshelf.
TIM
Henry VI didn’t last on the throne, either. He was murdered in 1471 by Edward IV.
CHARLES
Ah, yes, the War of the Roses between the Yorkists and Lancestrians. The Yorkists finally triumphed and placed Edward IV on the throne of England.
EDWARD
Richard!
RICHARD III enters. He looks suspiciously like QUASIMODO, the Hunchback of Notre Dame.
EDWARD IV
You have served me faithfully during the War of the Roses.
RICHARD III
What are brothers for?
EDWARD IV
Now that I am king, I must look to the future. I intend to name you protectorate of my two sons, little Eddie and little Rickie.
RICHARD III
I shall be honored.
EDWARD IV
Boys!
EDWARD IV looks at TIM and CHARLES.
CHARLES
Yes, your majesty?
EDWARD IV
Your uncle, here, is your guardian in case anything should happen to me.
TIM
Okay.
CHARLES
Excuse us. (To TIM.)
Tim, can I talk to you a minute?
RICHARD III and EDWARD IV freeze.
CHARLES
Um, that’s Richard III.
TIM
Isn’t it funny the way they keep getting up confused with other people?
CHARLES
You don’t understand. Edward IV does die prematurely.
EDWARD IV croaks.
CHARLES
And he murders his nephews.
TIM
Boy, that’s terrible. But what does that have to do with us?
RICHARD III
Oh, boys!
CHARLES
Run for it!
RICHARD III chases CHARLES and TIM around the stage. They make a lot of noise. MOTHER enters. CHARLES and TIM duck behind the bed.
MOM
I’ve had it, young man!
RICHARD III
Wh-what?
MOM
I thought I left you asleep. What’s gotten into you? Get into that bed.
RICHARDIII
But-
MOM
I SAID GET INTO THAT BED!
RICHARD III gets into bed. MOTHER takes out a bottle and a spoon from the top drawer of the bureau. She pours some and holds it under RICHARD’S mouth.
MOM
Open wide.
RICHARD III
What is it?
MOM
Something good for you.
She jams it into his mouth.
RICHARDIII(Sputtering)
Gawd, that’s horrible!
MOM
That’ll fix you! I better not hear another word!
She exits. CHARLES and TIM stick up their heads.
CHARLES AND TIM
Castor Oil!
TIM
Serves him right.
RICHARD III gets out of bed. He wobbles center stage.
RICHARD III
I’ve got some peppermint in my saddle bag…
HENRY VII enters. RICHARD continues to stagger.
HENRY VII
Richard! Murderer of children! Draw your sword!
RICHARD attempts to draw his sword.
RICHARD
My saddlebag… where’s my horse!
HENRY VII
I’ll run you through!
HENRY VII is about to stab him when he keels over.
RICHARD
My kingdom for a horse!
RICHARD dies. CHARLES and TIM stare at the dead body.
HENRY VII
What are you staring at? Clear the field of the dead.
CHARLES and TIM drag RICHARD’S body away. HENRY VII sits down at the edge of the stage, exhausted.
HENRY VII
I feel it’s time to take a little break.
And make sure you’re completely up to date.
NOTE: As he says the names of the following, the actors portraying them get into line. If an actor plays more than one, he or she moves to the appropriate spot.
William the Conquerer,
William the two,
Henry the first,
Stephen who
Came before Henry the second
Then Richard the first
John, who I reckon
Before Henry the three,
Then Edward the first,
Edward two, Edward three,
Here comes Richard the twice,
Henry four, here comes he,
Henry five, looks so nice!
Henry six, all these Henrys!
Edward four, there’s a change,
Richard three, he’s so awful,
Henry VII, well, that’s strange!
That’s me! Little old me!
I’ve come to the end of this list
Is there anyone I may have missed?
TIM
How about Henry VIII?
HENRY VII
You’ll be sorry you brought that up!
HENRY VII exits as HENRY VIII enters with his six wives. They stand in a row and act out their fates as he speaks.
HENRY VIII
I’d like to be a Catholic, but the pope is such a bore,
I don’t want to be married to Queen Catherine anymore!
So divorced are we, where’s Anne Boleyn?
I love her, well at least I did.
I’ve decided to marry yet again,
So off with the top of her head.
Jane Seymour is the one I want,
Alas, she has died in her bed
So I’ll marry another with the name of Anne,
God, she’s a horrid looking thing
Her face is more than I can stand,
I’ll divorce her. After all, I’m king.
And Pope and ruler of all the land.
Catherine Howard will make a good wife,
Except her eye is on other men!
Well, that lady gets a short life.
Now one more time,
I’ll finish with Catherine Parr,
Oh, what trouble these women are,
I was a good husband, not isn’t that so?
I gave them all crowns and jewels, you know.
Women are ungrateful, it’s simple as that,
So what if I’m miserly, bilious and fat?
Oh, well, now I’m dead. Now I wonder.
In the place known as heaven or after-life,
Do I get to have another wife?
SIX WIVES
Hi, Henry!
They start tearing him to pieces. He runs off stage shrieking. CHARLES and TIM watch.
TIM
I’ve heard about him! Didn’t he shut his wives up in the Tower before he beheaded them?
CHARLES
The Tower, yes, the infamous Tower.
TIM
Did it have a dungeon and chains and all that?
CHARLES
Part of it did.
TIM
Kind of like a big old stone prison, huh?
CHARLES
I guess.
TIM
What do you suppose it’s like in there? All creepy, I’ll bet. Do you think he fed them rats?
CHARLES
I don’t know.
TIM
And I’ll bet they had to work day and night. He probably pulled out their fingernails.
CHARLES
Shut up.
TIM
And their tongues!
CHARLES
I SAID SHUT UP!
TIM
What? Oh.
CHARLES is quiet and troubled. TIM looks confused.
TIM
I guess I’ll go back to sleep now. Wait a minute, I am asleep!
CHARLES
I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.
TIM
It’s okay.
CHARLES
No, it’s not.
TIM
Well. Good night, Charles.
CHARLES
It’s my father, you see.
TIM
What about your father?
CHARLES
He’s in prison.
BLACK OUT.
ACT II
The lights come up. CHARLES and TIM are in the same position as before. CHARLES is standing downstage left; TIM is sitting on his bed.
TIM
What do you mean, your father is in prison?
CHARLES
I don’t really want to talk about it.
TIM
Gee. I’m sorry.
CHARLES
It’s all right.
TIM
Once my dad got a speeding ticket, but… Hm. I suppose you don’t have speeding tickets in… what year is it you live in?
CHARLES
1824.
TIM
1824. No Gameboys. No skateboards. Do you even have baseball?
CHARLES
I don’t know about your… Gameboys or anything. I work in a factory. I don’t go to school. I hardly see my family at all.
TIM
Even at Christmas?
CHARLES
I’m helping my mother by working.
TIM
Sounds like a tough life for a kid.
CHARLES
Say, what did you do to your foot, anyway?
TIM
Oh that. I fell down. Just clumsy, I guess.
EDWARD VI enters. He wears a crown too big for him. ELIZABETH and MARY stand behind him in the shadows.
EDWARD VI
You there! (He points at CHARLES.) I say, are you here for my birthday party?
CHARLES
Uh… (Looks at TIM; they both agree.) Yes. Yes, I am.
EDWARD VI
Good. I’m ten now. I’m the only boy in my family. Do you have any brothers?
CHARLES
Yes, I do.
EDWARD VI
Such a bore. My father loved me very much. Did you know him?
CHARLES
Only by reputation, sire.
EDWARD VI
He had six wives and the only one he loved was my mother, Jane Seymour. Do you know my sisters? The one with the sour face is Mary. Elizabeth smiles but I don’t know what about. She is most homely, Unlikely to marry, they say. But it doesn’t matter. I am king and one day I shall have an heir. Do you like sweets? It’s my birthday, I’m allowed. Anyway, I’m king and shall do as I please.
EDWARD VI stands frozen. TIM goes up and touches him. He does not move.
CHARLES
Died when he was fifteen. Promising chap. Imagine being king and dying so young.
Two SERVANTS take EDWARD VI offstage; he hangs his head.
MARY I steps forward.
MARY I
To the tower with my sister. (She puts on her crown.) And to the stake with heretics. Guards!
Two GUARDS enter with a PRISONER.
MARY I
Has the heretic repented of his sins?
ONE GUARD
No, your majesty.
MARY I(To PRISONER)
You have only to confess and your life will be spared. What say you?
SECOND GUARD
His tongue has been torn out, your majesty.
MARY I
If he is innocent, God will heal him. Answer me, have you repented of your sins?
The PRISONER mumbles something.
MARY I
You leave me no choice. Burn him!
The two GUARDS tie him to a stake. Other actors enter, dressed as flames and circle the PRISONER.
MARY I
You will die for the glory of Rome! Repent in your heart at least, that the earthly flames will consume you, but your soul will be spared from eternal Hellfire!
She falls to her knees and prays.
MARY I
My mother in heaven! Look at your daughter! I have restored Catholicism to England and been restored as the legitimate daughter of Catherine of Aragon and Henry VIII. Father, if you’re in heaven, I forgive you! And good riddance if you’re in hell!
ELIZABETH I steps forward and takes her by the arm.
ELIZABETH I
All right, that’s enough.
MARY I
What? What are you doing?
ELIZABETH I
It’s been five years since you were crowned. Enough is enough.
MARY I
But-
ELIZABETH I
It’s 1558. Okay? You’re dead.
MARY I
I won’t have it.
ELIZABETH I
Look, you died of natural causes. Count yourself lucky. (To TIM and CHARLES.) We have a corpse in here. Would you mind?
CHARLES and TIM take MARY I offstage. She exits screaming at ELIZABETH.
ELIZABETH I
That bloody Mary! Revels, we must have revels!
A chorus of Shakespearean types emerge, laughing and talking.
ELIZABETH I
A play. What about a play? Where is William?
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE enters.
Entertain us with something, won’t you? Not one of your dreary history plays, something lighter, something…
SHAKESPEARE
I’ve written a new one, Madam. It’s a comedy.
What’s it about?
SHAKESPEARE
Well, it takes place about Christmas time.
That’s good.
SHAKESPEARE
It’s really very funny.
Well, tell me.
SHAKESPEARE
It’s… (He starts to laugh.) There’s this Duke…
Yes?
SHAKESPEARE
And there’s Sir Toby… (He laughs again.) Belch. Get it? Belch. (He is really laughing now.)
A little music is playing in the background.
You say it’s funny.
SHAKESPEARE is almost beside himself.
I fail to see the humor, myself.
ELIZABETH is getting angry. A FRIEND of SHAKESPEARE steps forward. He is nervous about the way SHAKESPEARE is laughing.
FRIEND
I’ll give you a bit of it, your highness. (To SHAKESPEARE.) Get hold of yourself, man! (He clears his throat.)
CHARLES and TIM reenter, take one look at SHAKESPEARE, and drag him offstage, too.
“If music be the food of love, play on,
Give me excess of it that, surfeiting,
The appetite may sicken and so die.
That strain again, it had a dying fall.
I, it came o’er my ear like the sweet sound
That breathes upon a bank of violets,
Stealing and giving odour. Enough, no more,
‘Tis not so sweet now as it was before.”
ELIZABETH I
That’s very nice. (She pushes him away.) That Shakespeare will never amount to anything. Oh, where are my spies?
Three SPIES step forward.
ELIZABETH I
I understand that troublesome cousin of mine, Mary Queen of Scots, is plotting to steal my throne.
FIRST SPY
Never as long as we live, your highness!
ELIZABETH I
I want her imprisoned.
The CHORUS imprisons MARY QUEEN OF SCOTS.
ELIZABETH I
That’s good. Now, I’ve heard she is pretty. Is that true?
The CHORUS are swooning over her beauty.
SECOND SPY(Afraid to tell the truth)
Frightfully ugly, your majesty.
ELIZABETH I
I thought so. Just a nasty rumor.
THIRD SPY
You’ve never actually… seen her, your highness?
ELIZABETH I
Of course not, I don’t have time to waste on my poor relations.
MARY QUEEN OF SCOTS creeps away, aided by two SOLDIERS. She is recaptured.
ELIZABETH I
All right, that’s it! No more Mr. Nice Guy! Off with her head!
FIRST SPY
But your highness, she is most beloved. Why, even her prisoners have given their lives trying to help her escape. Surely you could-
ELIZABETH I
Off with her head!
CHARLES and TIM reenter. MARY puts her head on the block. The EXECUTIONER looks at MARY.
EXECUTIONER
Tell her highness, Queen Elizabeth, that her cousin lost her beauty even before this day.
ONE ACTOR steps forward.
ACTOR
“But she was beautiful enough to her little dog, who cowered under her dress, frightened, when she went upon the scaffold, and who lay down beside her headless body when all her earthly sorrows were over.”
All ACTORS leave the stage.
TIM
What a sad, sad story.
CHARLES
That’s the thing, Tim. Life’s hard. You know? Even when you’re born rich and privileged.
TIM
Someone should write a book about her.
CHARLES
I daresay several people have already.
TIM
You could. You could write a great story about Mary Queen of Scots.
CHARLES
Oh, no I couldn’t.
TIM
Why not? She was a queen, she had a tragic life-
CHARLES
Because I couldn’t, that’s all!
TIM
I was only-
CHARLES
Just stop talking about it! Right now!
CHARLES goes off and sits alone.
TIM
But, Charles, you’re a great writer.
CHARLES
What do you know?
TIM
There’s great books in you, I just know it!
CHARLES
I’m working in a blacking factory, remember? Who has time to write stupid books?
JAMES I enters. He wears a sign around his neck that reads, “JAMES I, KING OF ENGLAND AND SCOTLAND. He is carried by two servants since he is too fat to walk and his legs too spindly to support him. Due to an overlarge tongue, he drools and is difficult to understand. WITCHES surround him.
JAMES I
To my credit, I have two. My first and favorite, Demonology. I just love witches and demons and unnatural diseases!
The WITCHES creep around JAMES I as if he is the witches’ cauldron.
WITCHES
“Round about the cauldron go,
In the poisoned entrails throw.
Toad that under cold stone
Days and nights has thirty-one
Sweltered venom sleeping got,
Boil thou first i’th’ charmed pot.
Double, double, toil and trouble,
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
WITCHES exit.
JAMES I
Ooh, what fun. Now, I
don’t like Catholics. No, no. Nor Puritans, ooh, how horrid. (He is like a spoiled child.) A poem I wrote. (He clears his throat.)
I don’t like many Catholics,
I find them to be heathens,
Neither do I fancy Puritans,
I think they should be beaten.
He hangs his mouth open like a dog for a moment.
So many plots against me
And I’m really quite a guy,
I write, I sing, I eat, I drink,
I sentence fools to die.
My mother, Mary Queen of Scots,
We be just tickled pink
To know her son turned out to be A bloody awful dink.
JAMES I
Dink? Who wrote that? Who wrote “dink?”
CHARLES I enters.
CHARLES I
Father, you’re getting worked up. Think of your health. Servants!
JAMES I
Somebody wrote, “dink!” Look, it says it right there. “Bloody awful dink!”
CHARLES I
Servants! Servants!
The TWO SERVANTS reenter.
CHARLES I
My father’s feeling a bit tired.
JAMES I(Wails)
Dink!
The SERVANTS pick him up and carry him off.
CHARLES I
Why don’t you finish that nice book you’re working on? We’ll need a snappy title, how about… The Bible As Commissioned by King James… The Bible… A Post-Medieval Look at Events in the Holy Land…
CHARLES I walks over to CHARLES and TIM.
CHARLES I
Which do you like?
TIM
How about The King James Version?
CHARLES I
Don’t be insolent. You’re worse than Parliament.
The PARLIAMENTARIANS enter. One steps forward.
PARLIAMENTARIAN
See here, King Charles.
CHARLES I
That’s King Charles the first to you.
PARLIAMENTARIAN
King Charles the first, you ordered a prisoner to be tortured.
Cries of torment come from offstage.
CHARLES I
So?
PARLIAMENTARIAN
Torture is against the law.
CHARLES
Oh, please, just this one time?
PARLIAMENTARIAN
I’m afraid not.
CHARLES I
Rats!
The TORTURE VICTIM emerges from the wings, brushing off his coat and muttering to himself. The TORTURER runs after him.
TORTURER(Holding something up)
Wait! You forgot your tongue!
A SECOND PARLIAMENTARIAN steps forward.
2ND PARLIAMENTARIAN
Excuse me, your highness. We, at Parliament, are a little tired of the way you’ve been running the country. We’ve drafted a little letter stating our objections.
CHARLES I unfolds the letter. It reaches the floor.
1ST PARLIAMENTARIAN
Otherwise, we declare England to be in a state of Civil War.
CHARLES I
Uh huh.
CHARLES I begins to run. PARLIAMENT chases him to the right wing. A moment later they pursue him across stage again. This goes on for a few moments as OLIVER CROMWELL steps forward.
OLIVER CROMWELL
Is the scaffold ready?
The crowd catches CHARLES I and brings him to the chopping block.
OLIVER CROMWELL
I, Oliver Cromwell, leader of the Roundheads, proclaim the monarchy of England dissolved. England shall be ruled by its people!
Everyone cheers. A few start to drag CHARLES I forward. He shrugs them off and, with great dignity, puts his head on the chopping block.
CHARLES II steps forward.
CHARLES II
No!
The crowd and CHARLES I exit the stage. CHARLES II walks morosely downstage and sits down. TIM and CHARLES look at him. TIM walks over to him and sits down.
TIM
What’s the matter?
CHARLES II
Me old dad just got the chop.
TIM
I’m sorry.
CHARLES II
It was that bunch of Roundheads did him in. I’d like to give them all a bunch of fives! (He shakes his fist.)
CHARLES comes and sits with them.
CHARLES
What’s your name?
CHARLES II
Charles. (With great pride.) Charles II! Someday I’ll be king of England. They killed me dad!
CHARLES
Bunch of scoundrels, then. Wouldn’t you say, Tim?
TIM
We should hijack the nearest airplane and drop a bomb on all of them!
CHARLES and CHARLES II look at him strangely.
CHARLES II
He all right?
CHARLES
He’s got funny notions. Must be his foot.
CHARLES II looks at TIM’S foot for the first time.
CHARLES II
You’ve got a bum kicker?
TIM
What?
CHARLES II
Your foot. It’s broke?
TIM
Yes. Skate boarding accident.
CHARLES II
Odd bandage. Did a barber look at it?
TIM
Why would a barber look at it?
CHARLES II
Oh, you people are so afraid of science! When I become king, England is going to move forward! Art, medicine, theater!
Several BEAUTIES emerge from offstage.
BEAUTIES
Women!
CHARLES II sees them.
CHARLES II
Oh, talley ho! I must be off, gents. England beckons. Looks like its ready for a king again.
He stands up. The BEAUTIES swarm around him. “Hi, Charlie, etc.”
CHARLES II
Last one back to the castle is a rotten egg!
They all run off.
JAMES II enters, looking disgusted.
JAMES II
That was my brother. Died for his sins. But! I had him baptized a Catholic before he croaked. Oh, joy! Now all of England can be Catholic again under my leadership, the royal James II.
The CHORUS has quietly assembled behind him. He turns and sees them.
JAMES II
Ah, there you are. Now, if you’ll just step forward. Where’s the priest?
The PRIEST steps forward.
JAMES II
Did you bring the holy water, Father? I think these fair people are ready to be baptized as Catholics.
The CHORUS protests angrily. One steps forward.
ONE ACTOR
Where’s your daughter, Mary? She’s an Anglican, isn’t she? I say we let Mary rule England!
The CHORUS cheers.
JAMES II
What, she and that husband of hers, William? You must be joking.
The CHORUS comes toward him, menacingly.
JAMES II
All right, so you’re not joking. That’s it! Everyone on the side of King James II, stand to the right!
No one moves.
JAMES II
I said, stand to the right!
Still, no one moves.
JAMES II
Oh, poppycock!
JAMES II runs for his life, the CHORUS pursues him. He runs offstage and ends up standing on the raised platform in front of the right side of the audience. A spotlight finds him.
JAMES II(Like a schoolboy, sticking out his tongue)
Nanny, nanny goo-goo, I’m in France, you can’t catch me!
He runs across the front of the audience and hides in the wings stage right.
WILLIAM and MARY step forward. They sing a song (to the tune of the Looney Tunes song) and fight over one crown.
WILLIAM & MARY
We’re William and
Mary,
A crown we now are
sharing,
(MARY)My father chose
to abdicate
So we didn’t have to
wait.
CHORUS
Her father chose to
run and hide or else he would have died.
WILLIAM & MARY
We’re both a little
scary,
We took the throne
from James the two,
It seemed the thing to
do!
CHORUS
They took the throne
from dear old dad, now that was very bad.
WILLIAM & MARY
We’re William and
Mary,
(Mary)I’m pretty,
(William) and I’m hairy,
Our tenure as a royal
pair
Was a rather dull
affair.
Their place in royal
history, is something of a mystery, this very royal pair had rather dull
affairs.
WILLIAM & MARY
We hope you all had
fun with
This little try at
rhyme and song
(MARY)Perhaps it did go
on too long-
(WILLIAM)But darn it
all, we tried
To do great things
before we died!
Darn it all they
tried, but thank goodness they have died.
Good bye. Must fly.
Good bye.
WILLIAM and MARY step back. A bell tolls mournfully. ANNE steps forward, sadly. Music begins very softly.
ONE ACTOR
Long live Queen Anne
SECOND ACTOR
Hail to the queen!
THIRD ACTOR(Setting a crown on ANNE’S head)
On this day in November, 1702, by the power entrusted in me from the people of England, I crown thee Queen Anne, daughter of James II, sister of our late Queen Mary II, sister-in-law of our late king, William III.
CHORUS
Poor Anne, poor, poor
Anne,
Sixteen babies, and
she watched them die,
Sixteen babies, and they all lie
In the ground. Poor Anne. Poor, poor Anne.
I am queen.
CHORUS
Poor Anne.
ANNE(sings)
Sixteen babies and I
watched them die,
Sixteen babies and
they all lie
In the ground. (Chorus) Poor Anne. Poor, poor Anne.
The crown of England
lies upon my head,
But sixteen babies
from my womb are dead,
My life is spent in
mourning and in pain,
My arms are empty, all
my babes are slain.
Poor Anne. Poor, poor Anne.
Sick and troubled and
alone she reigned,
Weak from sorrow and
heartbreak,
She died. At last she died.
Poor Anne. Poor, poor Anne.
ANNE and the CHORUS exit. CHARLES and TIM look after them.
TIM
Wow.
CHARLES
A tragic life.
TIM
What happened next?
CHARLES
Her cousin became king. George the first. An awful man and he had an awful son who succeeded him.
TIM
Let me guess, uh, George the second?
CHARLES
They were German, mostly. Hated England, but, fair is fair, England hated them. (CHARLES notices TIM looking sad.) What’s the matter?
TIM
Life goes on, huh? It’s just… I’m thinking about Ann. No, really, I’m thinking about my mother.
He gets up and goes to his desk. He begins writing.
CHARLES
What are you doing?
TIM
Writing a letter to my mother.
CHARLES
Why?
TIM
I’ve been awful to her, just awful. Here she is trying to make me a nice Christmas and all I can do is complain. How do you spell, “sincerely?”
CHARLES
S-I-N-C-E…
TIM
“Dearest Mother, I am sincerely sorry for all the trouble I have caused you…,” How do you spell, “abdicate?”
CHARLES
Abdicate?
TIM
“…if I ever cause you another moment’s heartache, I to abdicate as your son. Your son, Tim the Sorry.” What do you think?
CHARLES
I think you’ve gone mad.
GEORGE III enters.
GEORGE III
Mad? Who said I’m mad?
He walks up to the Christmas tree and shakes hands with one of the branches.
GEORGE III
How do you do, sir, and how are things in Prussia?… Ah, you don’t say… That bloody Napoleon will be the death of all of us…
CHARLES(Whispering)
It’s King George III?
TIM
Who?
CHARLES
King George. The mad king.
GEORGE III
Not to mention the colonists. They’ve got their Declaration of Independence and well, frankly, I think the whole thing will blow over in a year or two. Brandy? I don’t mind if I do.
Suddenly KING GEORGE III convulses and lands on the ground with a terrible noise. MOTHER enters. CHARLES and TIM, horrified, hide behind the bed.
MOM
What are you doing out of bed again? (She starts to drag KING GEORGE III to the bed.) Honestly, didn’t you listen to anything the doctor said?
GEORGE III
Doctor?
MOM
I’m going to call him in the morning if you keep this up.
GEORGE III
Please! No, I beg you! No doctors, no more doctors!
MOM
And you’ll stay in bed?
GEORGE III
Anything, I’ll do anything!
MOTHER kisses GEORGE III and tucks him in.
MOM
Are you having trouble sleeping, honey?
GEORGE III
I am, yes I am. Afraid of the dark, you know.
MOM
How about a story?
GEORGE III
Oh, I’d love a story!
MOTHER gets a book from the shelf.
MOM
It’s Christmas.
GEORGE III
It is?
MOM
How about a Christmas story. The Christmas Carol, by Charles Dickens. (She begins to read.) “Marley was dead, to begin with. There is no doubt whatever bout that. The register of his burial was signed by the clergyman, the clerk, the undertaker and the chief mourner.”
GEORGE III
Was he hanged? I like a good hanging.
MOM
Sh! “Scrooge signed it, and scrooge’s name was good upon, Change, for anything he chose to put his hands to. Old Marley was as dead as a doornail.”
CHARLES crawls out from behind the bed and, still unseen by MOTHER, listens closely.
GEORGE III
Maybe they ripped him limb from limb. Oh, I do like that so!
MOM
“Mind! I don’t mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a door nail. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile and my unbalanced hand shall not disturb it, or the country’s done for. You will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a doornail.”
GEORGE III yawns.
MOM
Are you getting sleepy, honey?
GEORGE III
All that talk about death makes me feel warm and fuzzy.
MOM
What about the Christmas ghosts, don’t you want me to read about them?
GEORGE snores. MOTHER looks at him a moment, kisses him on the forehead and goes out quietly. CHARLES looks after her.
CHARLES
What a wonderful beginning! “Marley was dead; to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that.” Bloody genius!
GEORGE III continues to snore.
CHARLES
A Christmas Carol, eh? And what was that about the Christmas ghosts?
TIM
You know.
CHARLES
What? What do I know?
TIM looks at him strangely. He takes the book from CHARLES and looks inside the cover.
TIM
What year is it?
CHARLES
Huh? Why, it’s 1824, of course.
TIM
The Christmas Carol was written in 1850.
CHARLES
What’s that?
TIM
Never mind. Who’s king of England?
CHARLES
Don’t you know anything? George IV. Good heavens.
TIM
What is it?
CHARLES
Georgie the Third looks a little pale.
TIM
He what?
CHARLES goes over and inspects him.
CHARLES
I knew it. Dead. Dead as a doornail.
TIM
What?
CHARLES
Dead. Dead as a doornail! By Jove, that’s a great line!
GEORGE I and II enter. They go up to TIM and CHARLES.
GEORGE I
Excuse me.
TIM
Yes?
GEORGE II
We’re George the first and George the second.
TIM
Uh huh.
GEORGE I
Look right here. (He takes out a paper.) It says George the first succeeds Queen Anne. It says it right there.
GEORGE II
And George II succeeds George the first.
CHARLES
So?
GEORGE II
So, this is George the third. You can’t skip over us, it’s just not fair. We want some stage time, too.
GEORGE I
After all, this is a play about the succession of the English monarchy from 1066 to the present. Isn’t that right?
CHARLES
Well, I-
GEORGE II
Look, Father, that’s a bit heavy handed. You don’t announce during a play that you’re watching a play. I mean, you just don’t say that on stage.
GEORGE I
I’ll turn you out of the house!
GEORGE II
You already did that. You were the worst father in English history.
GEORGE I
You’re one to talk. You threw your son out of the house.
GEORGE II
Where do you think I learned it?
GEORGE III wakes up.
GEORGE III
Bloody numbskulls, what are you two going on about? Look, I’m dead, see? That means you’re both dead, too. (To TIM and CHARLES.) Please forgive my grandfather and great-grandfather. I’m afraid good manners weren’t quite the thing in the eighteenth century. We’ll take our leave.
GEORGE II
But-
GEORGE I
He’s quite right, Georgie, we have been rude.
The three monarchs exit.
GEORGE II
Don’t call me Georgie. I hate that name.
The CHORUS starts chanting.
CHORUS
Georgie, Georgie, pudding and pie, kissed the girls and made them cry…
GEORGE IV pops up from behind the bed.
GEORGE IV
Are they gone?
TIM
Who are you?
GEORGE IV
George IV, of course. Oh, you don’t know what it is to have a mad father. The shame of it. If there was only some way to ease my pain!
Several BEAUTIES surround him.
GEORGE IV
What can I do to take my mind off my troubles?
BEAUTIES
Georgie, porgie, pudding and pie…
They hang onto him admiringly.
GEORGE IV
And my nerves, why they’re positively shot!
BEAUTIES
Kissed the girls and made them… wild!
GEORGE IV
I take a drink each hour. For medicinal purposes only.
A DELIVERY MAN enters with a barrel of wine.
DELIVERY MAN
Excuse me, delivery for George IV?
GEORGE IV
Oh, just put it there by my bedside.
The DELIVERY MAN continues offstage.
GEORGE IV(To AUDIENCE)
A little nightcap, you know.
He hiccups. Then he speaks and walks like a drunk as the BEAUTIES take him offstage.
GEORGE IV
It’s really tough work being king. Any of you ladies want to pretend to be queen tonight?
BEAUTIES
Oh, Georgie!
CHARLES watches GEORGE IV. He looks upset.
TIM
What a lush! It’s a wonder England didn’t go down the tubes. (He notices CHARLES.) Hey, what’s the matter?
CHARLES
Oh, nothing.
TIM
Something’s wrong. Is it because I made fun of that king?
CHARLES
Well, he is our king.
TIM
He’s not my king.
CHARLES
I mean England’s king. He’s our king. And I don’t like seeing him that way.
TIM
Oh, well. Maybe he should go to Alcoholics Anonymous.
CHARLES
Where?
TIM
I guess that hasn’t been invented yet. So he’s your king.
CHARLES
Yes.
TIM
I see. It’s like you’re the ghost of Christmas past. And I’m the ghost of Christmas to come. Who’s the ghost of Christmas present?
CHARLES
What are you going on about?
TIM
You’re alive in 1824 and I’m alive in 1998. What happened between 1824 and 2004?
WILLIAM IV enters with the CHORUS. During this next scene, TIM gets a history book down from his bookshelf.
FIRST ACTOR
All hail King William the fourth!
CHORUS
Hail King William!
WILLIAM IV
My dear subjects and countrymen. The Parliament and I have just passed the Factory Act, from now on to be known as the Factory Act of 1833. From this day forward, children under the age of 9 will no longer be forced to work in factories! And children under the age of 13 cannot be forced to work more than 48 hours a week!
CHORUS
Hurrah!
TIM
Forty-eight hours! (He looks at CHARLES.)
They exit.
TIM
How many hours do you work?
CHARLES
Sixty-eight. Is that really true? Is that really going to happen?
TIM nods yes.
CHARLES
That’s good.
TIM
It’s not fair that you have to work so hard at twelve.
CHARLES
Well, that’s life, I guess.
TIM
But doesn’t it make you mad at all? I mean, don’t you just want to… to kick something! I mean, I would! I’d kick something hard!
CHARLES
You would?
TIM
Try it! Try it once.
CHARLES
You want me to kick something?
TIM
See if you don’t feel better!
CHARLES
All… all right. I will. I will kick something. What should I kick?
TIM
How about the bed?
CHARLES
I wouldn’t kick your bed, Tim.
TIM
How about the wall?
CHARLES
The wall? I’d break my foot. I’d… Why, Tim. You didn’t break your foot –what did you call it, skateboarding, did you?
TIM
Well…
CHARLES
That’s all right. Sometimes I guess you have to do something.
TIM(Very serious now)
Listen, Charles. I don’t know about me, but I do know about you. You’re going to be a famous writer.
CHARLES
Oh, that’s just kid stuff.
TIM
No it’s not. It’s not kid stuff. It’s the truth. You are going to be a great writer.
CHARLES
I am not! Don’t even say that! It’s not fair.
TIM
All these things that are happening to you, why Charles, one day you’re going to write about them and people from all over the world are going to admire you.
CHARLES
Would you just shut up!
TIM
But Charles… (He is confused. Suddenly he understands that CHARLES cannot know the future.) Charles, listen to me. I’m… I’m the ghost of Christmas to come. And I can see into the future. You’re can be a great writer. And you can help millions of people with your stories about how hard life is for children. You can change the world, Charles. With words! Blessed, beautiful words! And nothing, not England, not factories, not parents, nothing can stop that. Because it’s inside you.
CHARLES
Do you really think so?
TIM
I do. I really do.
From offstage, a song begins.
CHORUS
“God save our gracious queen, long live our noble queen…”
TIM
Now, what?
QUEEN VICTORIA, an elderly woman, enters with the CHORUS. One ACTOR carries a chair. She sits. They continue to sing.
CHORUS
“God save the queen. Send her victorious, happy and glorious, long to reign over us, God save the queen.”
TIM(Whispering to CHARLES, after looking in the book)
I think it must be Queen Victoria.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the most powerful of all?
FIRST ACTOR
The sun never sets on the British Empire, your majesty.
Now where are my children?
CHORUS
We are here, your majesty!
Ah, good. Now Edward, (EDWARD VII comes forward.) I understand you are keeping your chambers above freezing.
EDWARD VII
I thought I would. You know, so that I won’t die in my sleep.
Nonsense! How old are you now?
EDWARD VII
Fifty-eight, mummy.
You mustn’t be naughty, Edward. I said the castle must be kept at thirty degrees and I meant it. Now, I want you to stand in the corner until supper.
EDWARD VII
Yes, mummy.
He goes and stands in the corner.
Come along, children. It’s time to practice your instruments.
ONE ACTOR
But mummy, my arthritis is acting up!
EDWARD VII looks after them. He sticks out his tongue and makes a noise. TIM looks up this monarch in the history book. He sees a picture and compares it with the actor.
CHARLES(To TIM)
He doesn’t become…
TIM
I’m afraid so. Edward VII, king of England.
CHARLES
Horrors!
TIM
Don’t worry. I don’t think kings had much power by then.
EDWARD VII
I put a cat in the well once. On my fortieth birthday.
CHARLES(Groaning)
Who’s next?
TIM
Let’s see… Edward VII was only king for ten years. Then he died.
EDWARD VII(Exiting)
Well, that’s a fine thing, that is! And after all I’ve done for you!
CHARLES
Good riddance! Was the next king any better?
TIM
George V became king in… 1910.
CHARLES
1910!
TIM
So he was king during World War I. It says here that England loved him and his Queen.
GEORGE V, his wife, and son, EDWARD VII, enter with another actor..
ONE ACTOR
I’ve written a poem to our Queen, your highness, who put herself in danger during the war caring for our wounded.
“Be it said to your renown
That you wore your gayest gown,
Your bravest smile, and stayed in Town,
When London Bridge was burning down,
My fair lady.”
The CHORUS exits with the QUEEN. EDWARD VIII is left with his father, GEORGE V.
GEORGE
Eddie, someday you will be king. It’s a great responsibility, you know. You should think about getting married.
GEORGE V exits. EDWARD VIII sits down with his head in his hands. TIM and CHARLES come over, concerned.
CHARLES
What’s the matter?
EDWARD VIII
Oh, what’s the use.
CHARLES
Um. Is there something we can do?
EDWARD VIII
Shoot me, maybe.
CHARLES
I should say not.
EDWARD VIII
Look, I’m king of England.
CHARLES
You don’t say!
EDWARD VIII
But the trouble is that I’m in love with a woman.
CHARLES
I’ve heard of that happening.
EDWARD VIII
You don’t understand. She’s married.
CHARLES
I’ve heard of that happening, too.
EDWARD VIII
She’s getting a divorce.
CHARLES
That’s helpful.
EDWARD VIII
I may have to abdicate the throne.
CHARLES
Oh, come, come. There’s probably some way around that.
EDWARD VIII
Do you think so?
CHARLES
Absolutely!
EDWARD VII
I’m so relieved. She’s arriving from America tomorrow.
CHARLES
America?
EDWARD VIII
She’s American. Did I mention that?
CHARLES
You’re thinking of marrying an American? You must be joking.
EDWARD VIII
But I love her.
CHARLES
You’re a king!
EDWARD VIII
But I love her!
He storms off and exits.
CHARLES(Beside himself, he goes to TIM)
This is too much. I’m glad I died in the eighteenth century! I’ll bet I’m… rolling over in my grave right now!
TIM
“Ah, what fools these mortals be!”
CHARLES
Shakespeare! You’re quoting Shakespeare! There’s hope for you Americans yet! God! Is there anyone else? I mean, I’m not sure I want to know the rest.
TIM
Two more, that’s all. George VI. He was king during World War II.
CHARLES
What’s all this about World Wars?
TIM
There are some things even the ghost of Christmas future doesn’t tell.
You’re a funny kid, do you know that? Now, who’s king now.
TIM
England has a queen. Elizabeth II. I don’t even have to look that up in the book. (He puts it on the desk.)
CHARLES
What’s she like?
ELIZABETH II enters.
ELIZABETH II
Before you open your mouth, buster, remember one thing. (Pause.) I’m still alive!
TIM(Gulps)
She’s quite lovely. Really!
ELIZABETH II
Now, get to bed. Both of you! Or I’ll sharpen a switch.
TIM
Spanking is politically incorrect.
ELIZABETH II
I’m not into politics!
TIM and CHARLES jump into bed. ELIZABETH II exits.
CHARLES
Didn’t we ever have a nice queen?
TIM
Well… you had a very nice princess once.
PRINCESS DIANA appears in a spotlight, like a dream.
But, well, she died.
The spotlight goes out.
CHARLES(Getting out)
I’ll camp out in the chair.
TIM
No, you take the bed, please.
CHARLES
Tim, it’s… you bed. Remember? This dream is taking place in your room. Just as well. Mine’s rather damp. It’s a nice room, Tim. Don’t you think?
TIM(Looks around)
I guess you’re right. It really is a nice room.
CHARLES
Better get to sleep before her highness comes back.
TIM
Yeah. (He gets into bed. Quiet a moment.) Charles?
CHARLES
Yes?
TIM
I don’t suppose you’ll be here. When I wake up.
CHARLES
It seems unlikely.
TIM
It’s been… well… Good luck with your writing, Charles Dickens.
CHARLES
Good luck with your foot, Tiny Tim.
TIM
Merry Christmas.
CHARLES
Merry Chistmas.
The lights go down a moment and then back up. It is morning. MOTHER enters. She almost walks by CHARLES, but stops. He wears a Santa’s hat.
MOM
Charles?
CHARLES(Waking up)
Oh, good morning. I mean, Merry Christmas.
MOM
What in the world are you doing here?
CHARLES
I just thought-
MOM
You’re supposed to pick him up after lunch. Can’t you do anything right?
CHARLES
I always dress up for him on Christmas morning. Come on, don’t be mad.
MOM
How did you get in?
CHARLES
I still have a key.
MOM
Look, he was upset all night and now you show up-
TIM has awakened. He gets up, excited.
TIM
Mom! Dad!
MOM
Now, Tim, I don’t want you to think-
TIM
What a great dream I had! Mom, did I ever tell you look just like Elizabeth II?
MOM
What?
TIM
Charles was the ghost of Christmas past and I was the ghost of Christmas future! But I don’t know who’s the ghost of Christmas present.
He picks up a Viking hat. .
TIM
I guess it’s just all the people in your life. The ones who are here now. Like you, Mom. And Dad. You’re still here. Aren’t you?
CHARLES
We’re still here.
TIM
And this is going to be the best Christmas ever. God bless you, Mom. God bless you, Dad. God bless us, everyone!
BLACK OUT. THE END.