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JANITOR
BAG LADY
MARGE
SYLVIA
JENNIFER
MAYOR
TWO GIRLS
RICK
CHARLOTTE
MRS. HARDWICK
SAMANTHA
ROBBER
TWO ACTORS: EGG,
CHICKEN
MRS. STERLING
FIRST POLICEWOMAN
TIME; the present
Black out. The sound of a toilet flushing. The lights come up on a public bathroom. There are three bathroom stalls. One has an “out of order” sign on it. Outside the door, in view of the audience, a janitor unlocks the door and comes in. He whistles softly. He goes into a stall and, standing on the toilet, unlocks and opens a window. Still whistling, softly, he goes out.
A moment later, a BAG LADY comes out of the other stall. She keeps her entire life with her in bags. She goes to the sink (downstage center) and begins to wash up. She washes her face, pulls up her sleeves and washes her arms. She takes a rag and washes her armpits.
She goes over to a long bench just inside the door on the back wall (upstage left) and takes out a can of food and a can opener. She begins to prepare her breakfast.
Two women, MARGE and SYLVIA enter. They have permed hair, wear sensible suits and shoes. MARGE is quite colorful, though. SYLVIA goes into a stall.
MARGE(As they enter)
Honest to God, I don’t know who they’ve got taking minutes at the Select Board meetings now. The Mayor was misquoted three times!
MARGE
First of all, she can’t type. Second of all, she doesn’t know the first thing about protocol. (She is working on her make-up in the mirror.) I think the Mayor’s working too hard, don’t you? He doesn’t look himself lately.
SYLVIA(Her silhouette can be seen putting toilet paper in her bag)
Well, there’s no paper in here. Marge, would you hand me a roll? He’s working too hard, anybody can see that. All he does is work, work, work! He needs an outlet, everybody needs an outlet. (Sees the BAG LADY.) You’re not going to hang around here all day long!
The BAG LADY exits.
MARGE(Looking in another stall)
You realize, don’t you, that there’s no school today. None in here either. (Gets her bag.) Kids will be in and out of here like it was a party. Here’s some Kleenex.
SYLVIA
What else has that janitor got to do all day?
MARGE hands her some under the stall door.
MARGE
Oh, he spends most of his time on the second floor with those theater people. Grace caught him hanging lights yesterday.
SYLVIA comes out and begins washing her hands.
SYLVIA
Now the darn toilet won’t flush! The city doesn’t pay him to hang lights! Oh, I haven’t had a moment’s peace since that theater opened upstairs. I’ll let the Mayor know about this.
MARGE
The Mayor’s got bigger fish to fry this morning. You heard about the bank robbery.
SYLVIA
What bank robbery?
MARGE
Citizen’s Bank. It was on the radio, for heaven’s sake. They figure he got himself locked in last night and then walked out this morning with the first wave of customers.
JENNIFER enters, a tall, fashionable young woman.
SYLVIA(not too friendly)
Oh, hi Jennifer.
JENNIFER:
Hi, Sylvia.
JENNIFER goes to the mirror over the sink and inspects her make-up. The other two women exchange a knowing look and exit. MARGE sticks her finger down her throat as they exit, pantomiming what they believe JENNIFER will do.
JENNIFER goes quickly into a stall. Her head can be seen above the door; she puts her finger in her mouth before she disappears from sight.
The door opens and a beautifully dressed woman carrying a leather bag (later revealed to be the MAYOR) enters and goes into another stall. His silhouette reveals that he is changing into his police clothes.
After a moment, JENNIFER flushes the toilet and comes out. She goes to the sink and rinses her mouth. She puts on lipstick, smoothes her hair, and exits quickly.
The door of the other stall containing the MAYOR opens slowly, but closes as another young woman, DEIRDRE, storms into the bathroom. Her fiancee, RICK, is in the vestibule.
RICK
Deirdre! Please, Deirdre, I didn’t mean what I said. I mean, I didn’t mean what you think I said. Please, honey, come out.
DEIRDRE
I’m never coming out!
RICK
What’s that?
DEIRDRE
I said I’m never coming out! (Her agitation is partly manifested by compulsive eating, little bags of candy, etc, throughout the play.)
RICK
But sweetheart, can’t we talk this over? We have to open the restaurant in an hour. Please honey, it’s our opening day!
DEIRDRE
There’s nothing to talk over. And here! (She takes off her engagement ring, opens the bathroom door and throws it out. She stands close to the vestibule so he can hear her better.) I wouldn’t marry you if you were the last person on earth. I certainly don’t intend to come between you and your mother anymore.
The BAG LADY comes up behind RICK and enters the bathroom. As she walks across the room, she admires the ring she has just picked up outside the door. She begins to prepare her laundry to wash in the sink. DEIRDRE opens a bag of Skittles and nervously begins to eat them.
RICK
But I thought you’d like it if Mummy worked for us. You manage the dining room and she’ll stay in the kitchen. Deirdre? Deirdre? I’ve got everything I own invested in this restaurant.
DEIRDRE
I quit my job, I moved here, and now you tell me this? Forget it!
RICK
All right. If that’s the way you want it. Then I’m going home. You’ll just have to get a taxi.
He walks in place making as much noise as possible to convince DEIRDRE he has left. He strains his ear, though, in DEIRDRE’S direction. The JANITOR enters the vestibule carrying a bunch of toilet paper. RICK doesn’t notice him.
RICK
All right, I’m coming in there.
DEIRDRE
No, you’re not.
RICK
Yes, I am.
DEIRDRE
No, you’re not.
RICK
Yes, I am.
JANITOR
No, you’re not.
RICK turns suddenly.
RICK
My fiancee is in there! She won’t come out.
JANITOR
I don’t care.
RICK scampers off.
JANITOR
Ma’am? Okay if I come in? I’ve got some paper for the stalls.
DEIRDRE
I think it’s all right.
The JANITOR goes in. He puts paper in one stall. He notices the other is locked. He knocks on the door.
JANITOR
Excuse me?
MAYOR(High pitched voice)
Yes?
JANITOR
I’ll put some paper under here.
Two TEENAGED GIRLS enter and go inside a stall.
The JANITOR bends down, sees something “strange” under the stall. He checks the third stall and comes out quickly; it is clogged up from SYLVIA earlier. He quickly exits the bathroom. He walks offstage; RICK scampers back. The JANITOR comes back and hauls him away.
DEIRDRE looks at the BAG LADY, still involved in her laundry. She notices that the BAG LADY is wearing her engagement ring.
DEIRDRE
Oh! I hate hand washing, don’t you?
The BAG LADY ignores her.
DEIRDRE
By any chance did you happen to notice an engagement ring? I must have dropped it, it had little diamonds around a bigger one, in fact, it looks a lot like the one you have-
The BAG LADY starts putting her wet things on the bench to dry. DEIRDRE starts to help her.
DEIRDRE(Continues to babble)
You didn’t happen to find that, did you? I’m offering a reward-
SYLVIA enters.
SYLVIA
I thought I’d find you in here! Get out! What are you doing? Get out. This is City Hall, not the Bowery. Get out! (She throws the washed items in the garbage.)
The BAG LADY cowers as if struck by the words. She sets the ring down on the sink, gathers her things and runs for her life.
DEIRDRE(Seeing the ring, she picks it up, relieved)
She wasn’t doing any harm.
SYLVIA
Your boyfriend sent me in to get you. Are you going to sign the license or aren’t you?
A little girl, CHARLOTTE, enters. She is mischievous, pokes around the bathroom with interest, makes faces in the mirror, etc.
DEIRDRE(Sitting on bench underneath the condom dispenser)
I’m staying right here, that’s what! I’ll… I’ll die in here! (She opens up a small bag of potato chips and begins to munch on them.)
SYLVIA
Suit yourself. The police department’s right down the hall from here. You’re not out of here by five o’clock, they’ll clear you out!
CHARLOTTE tries to get condoms out of the dispenser. SYLVIA notices cigarette smoke coming from one of the stalls. She stands in front of it. The light comes up in MAYOR’S stall. He is afraid she is talking to him in the next exchange.
SYLVIA
All right, I see you in there. Come on out. You’ve got a lot of nerve, that’s all I can say. Do you realize that what you’re doing is against the law?
CHARLOTTE(To DEIRDRE)
Hey, lady, got a quarter?
DEIRDRE sees the condom dispenser and runs to the other bench. The TWO GIRLS come running out, just as the MAYOR prepares to open the door. SYLVIA goes out after them.
CHARLOTTE goes into one of the stalls. A moment later, she can be seen standing on the toilet, looking down at the MAYOR. She giggles silently, her hand over her mouth.
DEIRDRE folds her arms stubbornly and sits on the bench. The door of the stall containing the MAYOR opens slowly again. He sticks his head out, sees DEIRDRE, and closes it. After a moment he can be seen climbing up on the toilet and slowly opening the window.
CHARLOTTE crawls under the stall and gets a pair of outrageous shoes and a large bra from the MAYOR’S bag. He tries to retrieve them and gives up.
A women, MRS. HARDWICK, a older middle aged, no-nonsense, conservative, bossy woman enters and goes into the stall below him. She pulls on her sagging, uncomfortable panty hose.
CHARLOTTE is parading in front of the mirror in the high heels. She goes over and stomps loudly, back and forth, in front of DEIRDRE, driving her away to the other bench again.
At the same time MRS. HARDWICK’S twenty-two year old theatrical daughter, SAMANTHA, enters. She is dressed all in black with lots and lots of make-up, almost like a clown, blue hair, etc. She carries a prop that is used as a television set.
SAMANTHA
Mom, would you listen? It’s a role I’m playing, Mom, it’s art.
It’s called theater of the absurd, Mom, I’m an actress.
MRS. HARDWICK
Ingrid Bergman was an actress. Katherine Hepburn-
SAMANTHA
It’s about the absurdity of popular American culture, Mom, it’s an important play.
MRS. HARDWICK
You play a television set. Four years of college and you play a television set.
MRS. HARDWICK comes out of the stall to wash her hands. She leaves her purse by the sink absent-mindedly and sits by DEIRDRE and begins to take off her panty hose.
SAMANTHA
I’m the center piece of the play, Mom, it’s like I’m God-
MRS. HARDWICK(To DEIRDRE)
She wears a television set on her head and thinks she’s God.
SAMANTHA(Sits on other side of DEIRDRE who is crowded between the two women)
I invited you to rehearsal so you could understand me.
CHARLOTTE, innocently swinging her arms, takes MRS. HARDWICK’S purse and moves to the other bench; she begins to take everything out of it. She finds lipstick, which she smears all over her face, and binoculars and a pen flashlight on a strap; she puts both over her head.
RICK reappears outside the door; he now holds a bouquet of flowers.
RICK
Deirdre? Honey, are you still in there?
DEIRDRE runs into one of the stalls and locks the door.
DEIRDRE
I don’t want to talk to you! (To SAMANTHA): Would you tell him to go away?
SAMANTHA
Tell who?
DEIRDRE
Rick. My fiancee. I don’t want to talk to him.
DEIRDRE locks herself in a stall.
SAMANTHA
Rick?
RICK
Deirdre, please come out.
SAMANTHA goes over to the door. MRS. HARDWICK starts looking for her purse.
SAMANTHA
Rick? What Rick?
RICK
Rick Baron. Look, I need to talk to Deirdre.
SAMANTHA
Rick Baron? Mother, it’s Rick Baron. Rick, it’s me. Samantha. From the cookware fire.
RICK
Sam? Samantha Hardwick?
SAMANTHA(Very excited)
Yes! That is, it was. I’ve changed my name. Now I’m Samantha Stewart.
RICK
My gosh, how are you Sam?
SAMANTHA
Just fine! I’m an actress now.
RICK
No kidding! Oh, what the heck! (He enters and hugs SAMANTHA.)
SAMANTHA
Mother, it’s Rick Baron from the cookware fire!
He goes over and shakes MRS. HARDWICK’S hand. In it are her panty hose. CHARLOTTE goes back to the condom dispenser.
RICK
How do you do, Mrs. Hardwick? It’s been, what, four years?
MRS. HARDWICK
Well, it’s been four since we had the kitchen rebuilt.
CHARLOTTE gives up on the condom dispenser and puts on the MAYOR’S bra; she stuffs it. DEIRDRE has come out and looks at RICK, who is holding the panty hose.
DEIRDRE
What is going on? (She sees RICK holding the panty hose.)
SAMANTHA
We needed a new kitchen anyway. Remember the wall paper, Mother? Sunflowers and scarecrows.
MRS. HARDWICK sees her purse and its contents all over the bench. She starts to put things back together.
The MAYOR takes this opportunity to crawl out the window. He manages to go out, but after only a moment, he comes back in at gun point. An escaped ROBBER, carrying a similar bag, crawls in after him. The two of them are now in one stall. During the subsequent action, the ROBBER ties and gags the MAYOR.
RICK
Deirdre, you remember me talking about Samantha Hardwick? Stewart, now?
The two girls struggle for RICK’S attention.
SAMANTHA
It’s my stage name. Do you like it?
RICK
Very theatrical.
DEIRDRE
What did you do in their kitchen?
RICK
That’s how I made the restaurant money. The cookware exploded.
MRS. HARDWICK
Samantha, we really have to be going-
RICK(To MRS. HARDWICK and SAMANTHA)
I don’t know how I can ever thank you. I’m opening up a restaurant, thanks to you.
MRS. HARDWICK
God help us!
RICK
Mrs. Hardwick, I’ve often thought of you and how close we came to dying that night.
MRS. HARDWICK
Yeah, me too.
RICK
Please, (he opens his arms), may I?
MRS. HARDWICK
Oh, I wish you wouldn’t.
Warily, MRS. HARDWICK returns his hug. His sleeve gets caught in the zipper of her dress.
MRS. HARDWICK
That’s very nice, Rick, but if you don’t mind… (He cannot extricate himself.) Rick? Rick!
With a triumphant gesture, RICK extricates his sleeve. There is an ominous ripping sound; her dress falls to the floor.
MRS. HARDWICK(Looking at RICK)
I’m going to kill you now.
CHARLOTTE tries to look up MRS. HARDWICK’S slip. MARGE reenters. She goes first to the stall with the two men and finds it locked, then goes to the empty stall.
The BAG LADY reenters. She sits on the bench and begins to mend her dress. Another woman, MRS. STERLING enters.
MRS. STERLING(Sees CHARLOTTE)
And just where have you been? I have been looking everywhere for you, young lady! What have you got on your feet?
MRS. STERLING takes off CHARLOTTE’S high heeled shoes and throw them away. RICK, SAMANTHA , CHARLOTTE, MRS. STERLING and DEIRDRE talk over each other. They are at cross-purposes, either trying to take it off her or somehow gum it back together.
RICK
I’m a first rate seamstress, I’ll have that fixed in no time, why don’t you just slip it off-
CHARLOTTE
I had to go to the bathroom! (She exits.)
DEIRDRE
I’ll get a needle and thread, maybe the girls in the Mayor’s office- (She exits.)
MRS. STERLING
You sit there and don’t you move! Don’t talk to anyone and don’t move! The very idea!
CHARLOTTE
What did you want me to do, pee my pants?
MRS. STERLING hands CHARLOTTE her packages and impatiently tries both stalls and finds them occupied.
CHARLOTTE sits on the bench next to the BAG LADY. CHARLOTTE pulls out a bag of raspberries. MRS. STERLING stands in front of the stalls.
The BAG LADY ignores her. SAMANTHA and RICK are trying to put MRS. HARDICK’S dress back on her somehow.
SAMANTHA
Well! Here we all are! We certainly enjoyed your company that evening, Rick. Didn’t we, Mother?
MRS. HARDWICK
It started out all right.
MRS. STERLING
Now, Charlotte, those raspberries are for the cobbler. (She looks at MRS. HARDWICK, half undressed.) For heaven’s sake, this is a public bathroom, not a sauna!
MRS. HARDWICK
Hubba hubba. (She drapes herself across both RICK and SAMANTHA.
DEIRDRE enters with a needle and thread. She sees them in a provocative heap and, shocked, she throws down the needle and thread and runs back out.
RICK
But, Deirdre-
MRS. HARDWICK(Pulling him back down)
Sew, Ricky!
CHARLOTTE immediately begins to sneak raspberries out of the bag. She puts one in her mouth. She looks at the BAG LADY with interest.
RICK looks after DEIRDRE with despair, then sees MRS. STERLING looking at him, horrified.
RICK
I burned their kitchen down one night.
MRS. STERLING
Really! I happen to work right down the hall at the police department. They’re going to hear about this.
MARGE comes out of the stall.
MRS. STERLING
Oh, it’s you! Does the Mayor know what’s going on in here?
MARGE
What’s going on, Mrs. Sterling?
MRS. STERLING
Practically an orgy!
MARGE
Oh, I didn’t know you went in for that kind of thing.
CHARLOTTE gives the BAG LADY some raspberries. They eat contentedly.
MRS. STERLING
Why, I never… (Pointing at CHARLOTTE.) You stay right there, young lady. I’ll be right out.
As MARGE exits, she winks at RICK. CHARLOTTE continues to play with the condom dispenser. The BAG LADY brings a bag over to MRS. HARDWICK and leaves it at her feet. It contains a beautiful piece of material, large enough for MRS. HARDWICK to cover herself. She wraps it around her and gets up to throw something away in the trash. The BAG LADY exits.
RICK
So you’re an actress now.
MRS. HARDWICK
She plays a television set.
RICK
Really, how modern!
RICK(Looking at the television set)
Is that from the play?
SAMANTHA
Would you like to try it on?
RICK
I’d love to.
RICK takes off his jacket to put on the cape and TV set. SAMANTHA puts on his jacket.
MRS. STERLING
Why, there’s no toilet paper! Charlotte, run to my office and get Mummy some tissues.
CHARLOTTE tries to leave, but two young women who come running into the bathroom are much too interesting to watch instead. They are also in the play, dressed as a CHICKEN and an EGG..
SAMANTHA goes through RICK’S pockets and found a little black book. She look through it eagerly. MRS. HARDWICK finds the shoes in the garbage and, intrigued, takes them out.
CHICKEN
Samantha! (She takes RICK aside.) Samantha! The director’s got a great idea!
The BAG LADY reenters.
EGG
It’s perfect! My God, I don’t know where he gets his ideas, but it’s perfect!
CHICKEN
Mrs. Hardwick, your daughter is about to make theatrical history!
MRS. HARDWICK
I’m impressed. (She goes back to the bench and puts on the shoes.)
The EGG brings RICK downstage. The JANITOR comes to the door. He carries a plunger. He knocks. DEIRDRE reenters and sits down next to MRS. HARDWICK, and pouts.
JANITOR
All right to come in?
DEIRDRE comes in behind the JANITOR, eating a submarine sandwich. Depressed, she sits next to MRS. HARDWICK who is also looking at the little black book. MRS. HARDWICK pats her on the back and continues reading.
EGG
It’s the ultimate cultural myth come to life in a television sitcom.
CHICKEN:
It was there all the time in the text of the play, but we just didn’t see it until now!
JANITOR
I’ve got a chore to do. (No one answers. He puts on a gas mask and goes into the out-of-order stall. He can be seen plunging.)
MRS. HARDWICK and DEIRDRE start to mend the dress.
CHARLOTTE is now playing with a condom dispenser, trying to get one out.
DEIRDRE starts to notice the black book. She reads along, not sure at first what she is seeing, then it dawns on her.
EGG
You know how I jump out of the television and go splat? We changed it! I hatch! And guess what’s inside!
DEIRDRE(Jumping up)
Hot Lips? Rick, how could you!
She runs offstage again.
CHICKEN
A television set with the image of a chicken!
CHARLOTTE(Walks over to MRS. HARDWICK)
Hey, lady, got a quarter?
MRS. HARDWICK gives her a quarter.
CHICKEN(She takes the TV set off RICK’S head and gives him her chicken hat)
So now I deliver my climactic speech from inside a television set!
The CHICKEN gets into character. CHARLOTTE gets some condoms from the dispenser. MRS. HARDWICK has gotten up and is putting her dress back on in front of the mirror. CHARLOTEE sits next to SAMANTHA and starts to blow up a condom. SAM, charmed, takes one, opens it and blows it up, too. MRS. HARDWICK sees them in the mirror and goes over to SAM and takes it away. Wordlessly, the women giggle. Suddenly all three are blowing up condoms.
CHICKEN
“What comes first, the chicken or the egg, asks the boiling pot? (CHICKEN pushes EGG down; EGG’S body disappears inside her egg costume; she waddles behind CHICKEN. RICK, now wearing the chicken hat, moves around like a chicken.) I am a chicken first, I exclaim, made with feathers and beak and snot! The eggshell crackles like so much static… And static never births the bird, static never speaks a word, it can’t turn a cackle into a word…”
EGG has noticed the condom blowing activity and, theatrically contributing to the monologue, pops the condoms one by one.
CHICKEN(Very dramatic now)
“ What comes first, asks the boiling pot! The feathers conceal what the pot(pop - pop) begot.”
Before she can pop CHARLOTTE’S, the girl lets the air out and it flies around the bathroom.
SAMANTHA, the EGG and RICK clap wildly. The JANITOR comes out of the stall.
JANITOR
Boy, what a bunch of crap! (He exits.)
The EGG notices SAMANTHA. CHARLOTTE goes back over to the BAG LADY.
EGG
Why, Samantha! Who’s this?
SAMANTHA
Rick. He’s opening a restaurant.
EGG
He makes a great television set. Have you every considered acting?
RICK
Why, no, but…
MRS. HARDWICK exits to go find DEIRDRE.
RICK, SAMANTHA, EGG, and CHICKEN chit chat about the play, talking over on another.
SAMANTHA
Don’t you see? Television scrambles our brains, it confuses our identities…
EGG
We need a character like this, our society’s so mixed up!
RICK
What comes first, the chicken or the egg?
CHICKEN
Is it fish or fowl, animal, vegetable or mineral?
SYLVIA enters and looks at the theatrical group, appalled.
SYLVIA
This… is a bathroom!
A pause and then-
SAMANTHA
That… was so deep!
They laugh at SYLVIA who goes off to terrorize the BAG LADY.
SYLVIA
I thought I’d find you back in here. Get out. Get out this minute.
CHARLOTTE
She’s not hurting anyone.
The BAG LADY scampers out
CHARLOTTE
You’re mean. I’ll bet you don’t get enough sex or something.
SYLVIA gives her a disgusted look and exits. CHARLOTTE sticks her tongue out at her.
MRS. HARDWICK and DEIRDRE reenter; DEIRDRE is drowning her sorrows with concession food.
CHARLOTTE(Looking at the stall where MAYOR is hiding; she comes over to RICK)
Excuse me, but are boys allowed in the girls room?
RICK
But I’m not a boy! I’m a cultural icon!
MRS. STERLING(Coming out and grabbing CHARLOTTE; her foot trails a length of toilet paper)
I want to tell you that this is the most outrageous thing I have ever witnessed in my life. This-
Before she can finish, the CHICKEN and the EGG and SAMANTHA say-
-is a bathroom! (They break up laughing.)
MRS. STERLING
I plan to have the lot of you arrested! Charlotte! This minute!
TWO POLICEWOMEN appear in the vestibule, guns drawn, listening carefully. The JANITOR stands behind them.
MRS. STERLING marches out, grabbing CHARLOTTE’S hand. MRS. STERLING walks right into the POLICEWOMEN.
MRS. STERLING
You’re just who I’m looking for. He’s in there, Officers-
CHARLOTTE
But I haven’t gone to the bathroom yet!
The POLICEWOMON pushes her away and bursts in the bathroom. The ROBBER, moments earlier, has peeked out over the stall door, realizing that MRS. STERLING may inadvertently blow the whistle on him.
POLICEWOMAN
All right, hands up!
As these words are spoken, the bathroom door opens hard and hits RICK in the back. The JANITOR, in the confusion, hits RICK on the head with the plunger. He goes down on the floor, knocked out.
SAMANTHA stumbles against and closes the stall door and the ROBBER locks it before anyone realizes what has happened. The ROBBER quickly crawls out the window with a bag. The JANITOR is the only one who sees him. He runs out of the bathroom. DEIRDRE hears the commotion and comes out.
DEIRDRE
Rick! Rick!
POLICEWOMAN
Out of the way, ladies! He may be armed!
MRS. HARDWICK(Half dressed)
What the hell is going on?
POLICEWOMAN(With her foot on RICK’S chest)
You have the right to remain silent, if you give up that right-
SAMANTHA
This is crazy!
POLICEWOMAN
-anything you say can and will be held against you. You have the right to an attorney-
EGG
Hey, it’s like an improv!
Suddenly there is a knocking noise from the bathroom stall. Everyone stops talking and moving. The knocking pauses and then persists. The POLICEWOMAN slowly opens the door, guns drawn. The MAYOR is revealed, tied and gagged, sitting on the toilet seat.
POLICEWOMAN
Mr. Mayor! What in the world- (Handing the gun to DEIRDRE): Here, hold him. (She unties the MAYOR. RICK starts to come to.)
RICK
Ooooooooh.
DEIRDE(Holding the gun at his head)
Rick, speak to me!
RICK
Where am I?
SAMANTHA
Are you all right?
RICK
Who are you?
DEIRDRE
Rick, darling, you’ve been hit on the head.
RICK
Who are you?
POLICEWOMAN
My God, sir, I didn’t realize you were being held hostage! What an ordeal for you!
MAYOR
I’m all right, I’d better get to my office.
He tries to leave; the POLICEWOMAN prevents him.
POLICEMAN
Don’t try and move, Mr. Mayor, you may be hurt.
RICK
What is the meaning of life?
MAYOR
Really, I-
MRS. HARDWICK(To MAYOR)
Oh, we wouldn’t think of letting you out of here. (She pins him down, smiling.)
POLICEWOMAN(To RICK)
All right, on your feet. You three (she reclaims the gun and points it at
SAMANTHA, the CHICKEN and the EGG)
I’ve got some questions for you.
SAMANTHA
I’m an actress. Really, I’m playing a television set upstairs in the theater.
POLICEWOMAN(To RICK)
You’re under arrest for the robbery of Citizen’s Bank.
DEIRDRE
Robbery? That’s impossible!
The POLICEWOMAN finds the leather bag and starts to open it.
POLICEWOMAN
Oh yeah? And what’s this!
As she prepares to pull out a handful of something, the MAYOR, closes his eyes and turns his head in dreadful anticipation. She pulls out a handful of money. The ROBBER has taken the wrong bag.
RICK
Uhhhhhhhhhh…
DEIRDRE
Why, that’s preposterous. Rick, Rick, speak to me!
RICK
Daddy?
POLICEWOMAN(To MRS. HARDWICK)
What do you know about this?
MRS. HARDWICK(Holding the high heeled shoes)
I think the Mayor must wear about a size 11.
At that moment the JANITOR enters with the ROBBER. The ROBBER’S arm is pinned back. The JANITOR brings him forward to the crowd.
JANITOR
This must be the guy you’re looking for. I saw him crawling out the window when we came in.
A moment later the BAG LADY enters with the other suitcase. She sits next to the MAYOR and MRS. HARDWICK. She looks happily through it at the beautiful clothes. She puts some of them on, including a snappy little hat. CHARLOTTE sneaks back in the bathroom and goes through the bag, as well.
The ROBBER sees the bag of money.
ROBBER
My money! (To MAYOR.) You stole my money!
The ROBBER tries to lunge at the MAYOR, but the CHICKEN and the EGG intercept him. The POLICEWOMAN and the JANITOR drag him out.
ROBBER(As he exits)
It was a perfect plan! It was a master plan! You’re fools! All of you, fools! I’ll be back, I’ll be-
SYLVIA runs in and looks around frantically for the MAYOR.
CHICKEN(To EGG)
I think we can put this in the play, don’t you? (They begin to exit.) I mean, it’s perfect. The chicken and the egg! The television set and the toilet! It’s pure genius!
SYLVIA sees the MAYOR.
SYLVIA
My God, Mr. Mayor, I just heard! Are you all right?
MAYOR
Yes, I’m-
SYLVIA sees the BAG LADY with the bag.
SYLVIA
Why, what are you doing with the Mayor’s bag! You get your hands off that-
SYLVIA grabs the bag and looks inside. She holds up a sequined dress.
SYLIVA
There’s… reporters outside... and a television crew!
The MAYOR runs out of the bathroom, CHARLOTTE grabs the dress and runs after him.
CHARLOTTE
Wait! You forgot your dress!
SYLVIA runs out, horrified. The BAG LADY sits back down with the bag and takes out some make-up. She plays with it.
DEIRDRE
Rick! Rick, please tell me you’re all right. I love you, Rick. I’ll try with your mother, I really will.
RICK
No, I’m going to tell her to stay home. You were right. It was a bad idea.
DEIRDRE
Oh, Rick!
The three women stand him up.
RICK
Whew! (Tries to focus his eyes.) Mrs. Hardwick (very serious), I’d like you and your television set to come to our wedding.
They all start to exit. The next several lines are spoken over each other, a babble of conversation. SAMANTHA and RICK are putting on their respective clothes.
DEIRDRE
Gosh, Rick, we’d better get down to the restaurant! (To MRS. HARDWICK and DEIRDRE.) Today’s our first day!
JENNIFER enters and goes into a stall.
RICK
Corny’s Cookware settled with me for fifty grand.
DEIRDRE
Wasn’t that lucky?
SAMANTHA
What’s the name of the restaurant?
RICK
Corny’s.
They exit. MRS. HARDWICK comes back in quickly and gives the BAG LADY the MAYOR’S high heels, then exits again. JENNIFER comes back out of the stall, quickly rinses her mouth and starts to put on lipstick. She sees the BAG LADY staring at her in the mirror.
JENNIFER(Angrily)
What are you looking at?
The toilet flushes loudly. JENNIFER storms out and almost runs down the JANITOR who is entering the vestibule. He enters the bathroom.
JANITOR
All right, time to go. Come on, old woman, time to lock up. We’re closing early today. Come on, now, I’ve got places to go and things to do. (She begins to get her things together.) That’s right, day is done.
She hustles out of the bathroom. He cleans for a moment as the lights go down. They come back up and he is finished cleaning. He whistles softly, like in the beginning of the play. He climbs up on the toilet in one stall and unlocks the window and opens it slightly. Still whistling, he cleans off where he has stood, goes out of the bathroom and locks the door. He stands expectantly a moment. Then the BAG LADY crawls in the window and closes it. She comes over to the bench and begins to make a bed for herself. He nods his head with satisfaction and exits.
Lights go down. The end.