ONE-ACT FARCE
By Maura
Campbell
CAST
Allen Dabble, Vampire
Doctor, Psychiatrist
DOCTOR is standing in the middle of the
office pantomiming a golfing putt. He is
completely engrossed in this imaginary activity. The office air conditioner is broken and he
is dabbing at his forehead periodically with a handkerchief. There is a knock
on the door; no response. Finally, MISS
TRAINER, his secretary, opens the door and comes in, fanning herself.
MISS
TRAINER
Doctor...
DOCTOR
(Sternly)
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
He putts; they both follows the
"ball" for a moment and then their heads makes rapid circular motions
mimicking the ball spinning around and then out of the hole.
DOCTOR
Damn!
MISS
TRAINER
Sorry to interrupt, Doctor, but your
next patient is here. (DOCTOR is still concerned about his last shot.) And he don't look so hot.
DOCTOR
(Looking
up abruptly)
Why,
is he sick?
MISS
TRAINER
(Walking
away and fanning her face)
No,
he just don't look hot.
Miss Trainer exits and, after a moment,
ALLEN walks in. He looks after her bewilderedly. The DOCTOR does not look up.
ALLEN
Uh,
um, hello.
DOCTOR says nothing, continues his golf
game.
ALLEN
Um,
is everything all right here?
DOCTOR
(Looking
up abruptly)
Who
let you in?
ALLEN
Uh, your secretary, she, uh, said that
it would be...
DOCTOR
Oh,
that's all right then. (Goes back to working.)
ALLEN
There
seems to be something peculiar going on in the front office.
DOCTOR
(Keeps
playing golf)
How's
that?
ALLEN
Your secretary... She's leaping around
the furniture. (Looks toward door.) I
think she's having some kind of attack.
DOCTOR
Nonsense, she's signed up for our
employee’s fitness program. She's playing badminton. (Continues to ignore him.)
ALLEN
Um,
should I lie down?
DOCTOR
Why,
are you tired?
ALLEN
No,
I just thought in a psychiatrist's office you...
DOCTOR
Are
you seeing a psychiatrist?
ALLEN
No,
this is my first time ever, I just thought...
DOCTOR
Better sit down then. Sometimes it's traumatic. (ALLEN goes over to
the couch; DOCTOR continues to play.)
ALLEN
(After
a minute)
Did
I come at a bad time?
Doctor
(Walking
over to desk)
Excuse
me? Oh, how did you get in?
ALLEN
Um,
your secretary just...
DOCTOR
The air conditioner is right in the
window, there. Been on the blink for two
days. (Begins writing something.)
ALLEN
(Looks over at the air conditioner
awkwardly)
What
did you say?
DOCTOR
Bloody stifling this weather, it's like
a coffin in here.
ALLEN
Well, not exactly. The heat doesn't bother me, anyway. Um, excuse me, but I think you have me
confused with someone else.
DOCTOR
(Not
looking up)
What's
that?
ALLEN
I'm
not in refrigeration.
DOCTOR
(Looking
him over)
I
should say not!
ALLEN
I'm
not a repairman. I made an appointment
to...
DOCTOR
(Startled)
You're
not going to fix the air conditioner?
ALLEN
Um,
no.
DOCTOR
Well, out with you then. A fine attitude you've got, I've waited two
days for someone to come over.
ALLEN
I made an appointment to talk to you. About my problems.
DOCTOR
I've got enough problems of my own,
thank you. (Keeps working.)
ALLEN
(Walks
over to DOCTOR)
Are
you a psychiatrist, or not?
DOCTOR
Of
course. What do you think?
ALLEN
I'm a patient! I've contracted for an hour of your time!
DOCTOR
(Exasperated)
Oh, very well, then. Do you have any identification?
ALLEN
I
beg your pardon?
DOCTOR
Identification. Driver's license. Picture ID.
ALLEN
(Taking
out wallet)
Oh,
well, if you insist.
DOCTOR
You look taller in the picture. So, are you a minister?
ALLEN
Excuse
me?
DOCTOR
That
cross on your ID card.
ALLEN
Oh,
no, no. I work for the Red Cross. Deliveries.
DOCTOR
Really,
and what do you deliver?
ALLEN
Why,
blood.
DOCTOR
What
an idea. Please, sit down.
The DOCTOR walks with him to the couch;
they both sit down close together, vying for the same seat.
DOCTOR
Now,
are you feeling better?
ALLEN
Um,
not yet.
DOCTOR
Well, maybe this will help. (DOCTOR gets up and gets medical certificate
and brings it over to Allen.)
DOCTOR
What
do you think?
ALLEN
It's
very nice. Harvard Medical School.
DOCTOR
Yes,
I just finished it.
ALLEN
You
just got out of school?
DOCTOR
(Very
pleased with himself)
No, I just made the diploma. Now, what can I do for you?
ALLEN
Well, I, uh... (Moves from couch to
chair.) Maybe this is a bad idea. I'd
better go. (He goes over to the door and finds it locked. Doctor is still admiring the diploma.) Um,
the door seems to be locked.
DOCTOR
Oh course. It's always locked. Miss Trainer locks it as a precaution.
ALLEN
Against
what?
DOCTOR
Salmonella. Rampant in this heat. Now, have a seat, Mr., uh, what did you say
your name was?
ALLEN
(Giving
up)
Dabble.
DOCTOR
Do
you? In what.
ALLEN
No,
my name is Dabble. Allen Dabble.
DOCTOR
Well,
what can I do for you Mr. Dibble.
ALLEN
Dabble.
DOCTOR
Do
you?
ALLEN
Um...
yes. Well, I have a problem.
DOCTOR
(Concerned)
You
don't say?
ALLEN
Yes,
well. It's kind of personal.
DOCTOR
Of course, I understand. Have you read any good books lately?
ALLEN
Good
books?
DOCTOR
Well, we have to talk about
something. (Indicating the door.) The
door's locked, you know. Bad idea, really,
in this heat. (He is mopping his head again.)
ALLEN
Oh.
Well. I thought maybe we could
talk about my problem.
DOCTOR
If
you're sure you don't mind.
ALLEN
It's not easy for me. I've never told anyone about it before.
DOCTOR
Would
it help if I closed my eyes?
ALLEN
I
don't think so.
DOCTOR
I've got it. We'll play "What's My Line". You know, the old television show. I get to ask questions and you can just say
yes or no.
ALLEN
Sort
of like twenty questions?
DOCTOR
How
is that played?
ALLEN
Okay,
just ask me.
DOCTOR
(Gets
out notebook and pen)
Now, this problem of yours, does it
involve other people?
ALLEN
Definitely.
DOCTOR
Ah ha! (Writes furiously.) And how does it affect your relationship with
your father?
ALLEN
I
can't talk about my father.
DOCTOR
Yes, yes, that's the usual feeling,
now, does this condition worsen as the day goes on?
ALLEN
Now that you mention it, I do feel in
better control in the morning…
DOCTOR
(Writing
excitedly)
I've
got it. Let's try an experiment.
ALLEN
Uh,
what kind of experiment?
DOCTOR
It's the newest thing. Now, I'll assume a shape and you tell me the
first thing that goes through your mind.
ALLEN
You'll
assume a shape...
DOCTOR
Ready?
Here we go. (Doctor goes through
various contortions)
ALLEN
(Horrified)
What
in the world are you doing?
DOCTOR
Kind of a human ink blot, it's all the
rage in England.
ALLEN
Really, Doctor, I think this is a waste
of my time. I can't see what possible benefit any of this can have.
DOCTOR
Well, if you're not going to cooperate,
I don't see how I can help you.
ALLEN
Could
you ask Miss Trainer to unlock the door?
DOCTOR
Who?
ALLEN
Your secretary. I assume she locked the door, can you ask her
to unlock it.
DOCTOR
Not very easily. She's at lunch. It's lunch time. (Looking at watch.) By Jove, it is lunch time! Want to split a pizza?(Gets up, pulls one out
of a drawer.) Do you like anchovies?
ALLEN
(Goes over and tries the door. Bangs on
it for a minute)
Miss
Trainer!
DOCTOR
She usually runs a few laps around the
office during lunch. Hot day for it, though.
ALLEN
There's
no way out of here?
DOCTOR
Course if she gets a second wind she's
liable to rappel down the side of the building. (Looks out window.)
ALLEN
(Resigned)
So I'm stuck here. (Looks at watch.) It is lunch time.
Takes a drink box out of his jacket
pocket and begins to drink.
DOCTOR
(Looking
at drink box)
Juice
box?
ALLEN
Just a little snack from work. All
right, damn it, I'm talking.
Gets up, sets drink box down on the
Doctor’s desk and begins pacing
ALLEN(CONT.)
I may never get my nerve up again. Here goes. Doctor. I've got a big, big
problem.
DOCTOR
(Drinking
from juice box)
God, this stuff is terrible. Yes, Mr. Dribble. I'm listening. You've got a big problem.
Well, what is it.
ALLEN
I'm
a... I'm a...
DOCTOR
Yes,
yes..
ALLEN
(Back
to the couch, head in hands)
I
just can't. I just can't.
DOCTOR
Nothing can be that bad. I've heard it all, Mr. Diddle. Now, tell me something. This problem... is it below the waist?
ALLEN
Um. Well.
Partly.
DOCTOR
It usually is. There's another
anchovy. So, what's this about the way
you eat.
ALLEN
Are
you really a psychiatrist?
Doctor
What
do I look like?
ALLEN
(Looks at him a moment, and then nods)
There's something very strange about
me. I'm... I'm not like other
people. I'm not... normal. It has to do with the way I eat... and drink.
DOCTOR
(Finishing
the pizza)
One
last bite, Mr. Puddle.
ALLEN
Aren't you listening to anything I
say? What do I have to do to get
through? I don't eat food. Your food.
Ever.
DOCTOR
Well, I was only being friendly, for
God's sake, what's a little pizza for crying out loud. (Begins unbuttoning his shirt and un-tucking
his shirttails because of the heat.)
ALLEN
I don't eat pizza. I don't eat steak. I don't eat French fries. I don't eat
Cheerios. None of it. Do you hear me? (He is on his feet.) I don't eat pasta; I
don't eat tofu; I don't eat peas; I
don't eat Spam; none of it, never.
I don't even own a fork. I've
never washed a plate in my life. I
couldn't read a restaurant menu if my life depended on it. Is there any part of this that I need to repeat? I am a non-eater; I abstain from food; I have
never had a cavity; I am a hostess' worst nightmare!
DOCTOR
(Slightly
taken aback)
Really!
How do you manage then? I mean,
food takes up a considerable amount of time in most people's
lives. Do you have any hobbies?
ALLEN
(Darkly)
I'm--a--vampire.
DOCTOR
(After
a moment)
A
what?
ALLEN
A
vampire.
DOCTOR
You
drink blood, then?
ALLEN
That's
right.
DOCTOR
Oh, that explains how you keep so
trim. Very nutritious, blood. So, what's
the problem? (He pours a glass of water over his head to cool off.)
ALLEN
The
problem is I'M A VAMPIRE!
DOCTOR
Yes, well, you're just going to have to
accept it, I suppose. These things are
permanent, I hear. Actually, (fanning
himself with a magazine, he gets up and looks out window) it's rather early for you to be up and
about, isn't it?
ALLEN
(Morose
by this point)
What? Oh, that.
Sun block. I use it
every day. (Vehemently.) I'll be damned if this
condition is going to run my life!
DOCTOR
That's the spirit. Learning to live with it, that's what. Uh,
you. Uh, ARE alive, aren't you?
ALLEN
Oh, yes, yes. I have been most of my life. Good God, now
I'm starting to sound like you.
DOCTOR
Do
you know any other vampires?
ALLEN
My
father.
DOCTOR
Nasty business these days, blood. AIDS, God only knows what else.
ALLEN
You're
telling me? It's a jungle out
there.
DOCTOR takes his shirt completely
off.
ALLEN
Not that it's been a problem up
till recently. I grew up in the country, you know, lots of
farm animals around. Just drank what
they could spare. (Looking directly at
doctor) I'm not a killer, Doctor!
DOCTOR
(Wide
eyed)
I'm
relieved.
ALLEN
(Leaning
forward, hypnotic voice):
You
have nothing to fear from me.
DOCTOR
(Mesmerized)
Yes,
master.
ALLEN
What?
DOCTOR
Oh,
I thought you were hypnotizing me.
ALLEN
(Laughing
morbidly, gets up)
Me?
That's a laugh. I can't even control
myself, say nothing of anybody else.
MISS TRAINER can be seen through the
back wall windows playing tennis.
MISS
TRAINER
Touchdown!
DOCTOR
Must
have finished her laps.
ALLEN
Doctor,
can you keep a secret?
DOCTOR
(Looks over shoulder stealthily,
whispering)
Of
course.
ALLEN
I'm
not a normal vampire.
DOCTOR
You're
not?
ALLEN
I've developed some impulses... urges
that just aren't right. You might call it
deviant vampire behavior.
DOCTOR
We're
talking below the waist here?
ALLEN
Way
below.
DOCTOR
Whewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
ALLEN
You
wouldn't believe how far below.
DOCTOR
It's best to get these things out on
the table. Make a clean breast of it, so to speak. (He continues to react to
the heat, rolls up pant legs, mops head and underarms, and begins to take off
shoes and socks.) So, in what way are
you abnormal?
ALLEN
I'm not sure if I can... You're not taking
off your shoes and socks, are you?
DOCTOR
I thought I would. Does it offend you? I powder my feet every day, still in this
heat (tears off sock and leans down to sniff).
ALLEN
(Beside
himself)
Please!
You don't know what you've done!
It's not safe!(Gasping.) I can't be trusted! That's the crux of it... (Beginning to get up
and go over to the DOCTOR.)
DOCTOR
I say, you're a bit flushed all of a
sudden. (Quickly gets up and gets behind his chair.) Something setting you off? MISS TRAINER, IT'S TIME!!!
ALLEN
It's no use Doctor. It's the feet. A little peek at an ankle will sometimes do
it. I can't control it... I have to have
you!
DOCTOR
Land sake, man, I've got the ugliest
feet in the city-
ALLEN
It doesn't matter... When I get this
way... There's no stopping me... have to
sink my teeth... Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! (Lunging at DOCTOR
and then crawling around trying to get
his foot; DOCTOR is hopping around trying to avoid him.)
DOCTOR
(Grabbing newspaper and vaulting over
the couch)
Stop it, man, have you no decency? (Slaps him on the head with the
newspaper). What would your father have
thought?
ALLEN
Who?
What?
DOCTOR
Your
father! (Realizing this has some effect.)
ALLEN
(Beginning
to come back to himself)
Father... Oh, Doctor. (Sits down.) Oh, Doctor, please
forgive me. I never intended to
hurt you. What am I going to do? What am I going to do?
DOCTOR
(Still
behind the couch)
You can start by handing me my shoes and
socks.
ALLEN does and DOCTOR stays behind
couch putting them on.)
DOCTOR(CONT.)
You
might have warned me, you know.
ALLEN
I tried! It's not safe to go anywhere! I suppose it's just as well. Now you know everything. The shame is enough to kill me. Every other
vampire I know behaves himself, you know, sleeps all day, gets up after dark and goes to
work in a convenience store. (He gets up and paces as he talks.)
DOCTOR
(Pops
head up from behind couch)
They
do?
ALLEN
And now the crowning blow. The foot
thing. The obsession. It started about two months ago. (Hesitates.) I was in a shoe store getting
new sneakers. The girl that was waiting on
me had these beautiful ankles. I don't
know what came over me. I guess I was
staring at them and she turned to me and said, "See something you
like?" And I said, "Yeah, I'd
like to take a bite out of your
foot." (Pause.)
Doctor
(Mouth
open)
So,
what happened?
ALLEN
So
I did it.
DOCTOR
Right
there?
ALLEN
In
the back room.
DOCTOR
(Interested)
Where
did you say this shoe store was?
ALLEN
(Ignoring
him)
Doctor, this is serious. It's turned into an obsession! Do you realize I've bit twenty people in the
last two months!
DOCTOR
Do
you find them all in shoe stores?
ALLEN
NO!
Some of them I have attacked!
Some of them are men! Well, you know,
I almost had you a minute ago!
DOCTOR
Hmmm,
so you're bi-podial, it would appear.
ALLEN
(Puzzled)
Huh?
And that's not the least of it!
Look at this! (Hands him a copy of today's newspaper.) Read that.
DOCTOR
(Begins
to read)
"Zoo
closed for repairs..."
ALLEN
No,
no, at the top, look it's the leading story.
DOCTOR
(Reading
again)
“Pervert terrorizes Mount Haven
pedestrians. An unidentified male Caucasian has attacked twelve people in the
last two months, sources say. The attacker chases his victims down, wrestles
them to the ground and bites their
feet. The victims all report a loss of consciousness at this point, but at
least one victim is certain that the attacker sucked her blood. Police refuse to comment saying only that the
case is under investigation and they
plan to make an arrest soon.”
ALLEN
What
am I going to do?
DOCTOR
Now,
now, don't despair. I'm here to help.
ALLEN
And my teeth. They used to look, well, like anyone else's,
bit of an overbite, maybe, but now!
Look! My incisor teeth... they're
getting longer and more pointed.
DOCTOR
Well, sharp teeth, that kind of goes
with the territory.
ALLEN
(More
distressed)
And
my laugh. Something's going on with my
laugh.
DOCTOR
Wrong
with your laugh?
ALLEN
It doesn't come out right anymore. I don't recognize my own voice. Kind of... kind of like a snarl. Doctor (desperately),this thing is progressing! I could always pass for human, but soon... I'm starting to become more like my
father! I've even got these little buds on my shoulders, look! (Doctor
examines) Wings! I'll be a part time bat before long. Even that I could take, but this foot thing... it's unnatural.
DOCTOR
Now, calm down. This may be a passing phase. Maybe all
vampires go through it. Have you talked
to your father?
ALLEN
I...
I can't talk to him. He's... well... he's dead.
DOCTOR
I
thought vampires couldn't die?
ALLEN
(Clearly
uncomfortable)
I... I killed him.
DOCTOR
You
killed your father?
ALLEN
I didn't mean to! It was a terrible
accident! (He paces.)
Suddenly MISS TRAINER gallops into the room
riding a horse-on-a-stick..
MISS
TRAINER
Doctor, the police are here. They say
there's a dangerous criminal in your office.
DOCTOR
Good
God! How did they find out?
MISS
TRAINER
They're threatening to break the door
down if I don't let them in!
DOCTOR
Never
mind. I'll go peacefully. (Starts to exit.)
ALLEN
They're
after me!
DOCTOR
What? Why, that's an outrage! Miss
Trainer, you tell them they can't come in here.
Loud crashes from offstage.
ALLEN
Now what?
MISS
TRAINER
Don't worry. I started them on a game
of donkey basketball. I think I can stall them for a while. (She gallops off.)
DOCTOR
You
were telling me about your father.
ALLEN
(Looking
around)
Is
there any other way out of here?
DOCTOR
Mr.
Dingbat, you've got to stop running.
ALLEN
I
do?
DOCTOR
God
has led you to my office.
ALLEN
He
has?
DOCTOR
We're
going to conquer this thing. Together.
ALLEN
All
right!
DOCTOR
Are
you with me?
ALLEN
You
bet!
DOCTOR
(Fishes
something out of pocket)
Swallow
this.
ALLEN
(Puts
it in mouth)
What
is it?
DOCTOR
Cyanide.
ALLEN
(Spitting
it across room)
Cyanide!
DOCTOR
Just
trying to help!
ALLEN
(Despondent)
It's
hopeless.
DOCTOR
Now,
now. Just a little setback.
ALLEN
But
the police!
DOCTOR
They haven't even finished the first
quarter. So you're having trouble with your father.
ALLEN
The
real problem is my fiancée.
DOCTOR
Fiancée?
ALLEN
Marguerite.
The woman I love.
DOCTOR
Vampires
fall in love?
ALLEN
And
why not?
DOCTOR
Why not indeed? So what happens when you see Marguerite's
feet. Do you lose control then?
ALLEN
I've
never seen her feet.
DOCTOR
You
mean, her bare feet?
ALLEN
No, I've never seen her feet. She works in a ticket booth in a movie
theater. So, I can't very well see her
feet.
DOCTOR
Does
she ever come out?
ALLEN
She doesn't live in there! It's just I only see her when she's
working. She works nights and I work
days. So far our schedules haven't allowed
us to get together any other time.
DOCTOR
But
you've managed to become engaged.
ALLEN
She's
very easy to get to know, Doctor.
DOCTOR
So
have you… (Clears his throat.) You know.
ALLEN
What?
DOCTOR
You
know. (Insinuates intimacy.)
ALLEN
Of
course not.
DOCTOR
I
see. Well, can you?
ALLEN
Can
I- Of course!
DOCTOR
How
do you know?
ALLEN
The
usual way, Doctor!
DOCTOR
Well,
I just wondered, I… What’s it like?
ALLEN
Doctor
we're running out of time!
DOCTOR
Your
father. You said you killed him?
ALLEN
Poor
little bat.
DOCTOR
Your
father was a bat?
ALLEN
Frisky little fellow. Used to hang
upside down in his cage waiting for me to feed him. How was I to know? I was
only six!
Miss Trainer comes dashing back in.
MISS
TRAINER
Doctor!
I don't think I can stall them any longer!
DOCTOR
Game
over?
MISS
TRAINER
The station must have sent
reinforcements. The whole building is surrounded!
DOCTOR
Good grief! This calls for desperate
measures. We need a red herring. (Looks at both people.) Miss Trainer! Outside
on the ledge. Quickly! Act like you're going to jump.
MISS TRAINER crawls through the window.
ALLEN
One day I was sick and couldn't go
outside to collect bugs for him. I used to smash them up and get a nice little
dropper full of juice.
DOCTOR
So
what did you do?
ALLEN
I melted some red crayons. I figured he
wouldn't know the difference! When
morning came the poor little fellow was on his back. Dried crayon all over his
little chest.
DOCTOR
Are
you sure that...
ALLEN
(Over
DOCTOR’S line)
I killed him! My mother told all the
neighbors he had a heart attack.
DOCTOR
Is
your mother a bat?
ALLEN
Yeah.
Biggest old bat you ever saw.
DOCTOR
Does
she sleep in a cage?
ALLEN
What?
Oh no. Four poster. Outside of Phillie.
DOCTOR
Was
your father always a bat?
ALLEN
Just
at night.
DOCTOR
Good
father?
ALLEN
Terrible
father. Great bat.
DOCTOR
How
did you know the bat was your father?
ALLEN
The morning he died my mother said,
"The old bloodsucker kicked the bucket." It wasn't until later that I
understood he was a vampire.
DOCTOR
I
think I've got this thing figured out.
ALLEN
What
do you mean?
DOCTOR
I think I know what your problem
is. You're not a vampire.
ALLEN
I'm
not?
DOCTOR
Neither was your father. You've been unable to deal with the guilt of
killing your pet and hating your father. You've fallen in love with Marguerite.
You're anxious about hiding your past from her.
ALLEN
So?
DOCTOR
And your mother... does she look
anything like Marguerite?
ALLEN
My mother... why, Doctor... there is
something... I never thought of it before...
DOCTOR
What!
What is it!
ALLEN
They're
both buck-teethed!
DOCTOR
Bingo!
ALLEN
But
what can it mean?
DOCTOR
You
think you killed your father...
ALLEN
Right...
DOCTOR
And
your fiancée looks like your mother...
ALLEN
And
there's the peg leg!
DOCTOR
And you have this preoccupation with
what you eat. Your food intake, why it's
so obvious, I should have guessed before.
ALLEN
You
don't mean...
DOCTOR
You've
got an EDIBLE COMPLEX!
ALLEN
But
what about the feet?
DOCTOR
So what's a little perversion in America?
You wouldn't believe the things I hear in this office. Course, mostly talk to
myself.
Just then MISS TRAINER crawls back in
the office.
MISS
TRAINER
Now's
your chance! They're playing Capture the Flag!
DOCTOR
Good
work, Miss Trainer.
Miss Trainer makes a grand, graceful
leap as she exits.
ALLEN
But
Doctor. If I'm not a vampire...
DOCTOR
You
might want to consider adding solids.
ALLEN
I can't thank you enough. (Shakes his
hand gratefully.) But what if... what if you're wrong? What will we do?
DOCTOR
Mr.
Dumble, you've got to face your fears!
ALLEN
Yes,
you're right. Freud said that, I think.
DOCTOR
Who? Now, if you'll excuse me, (looks at
watch) Miss Trainer and I have a bowling date.
ALLEN
(They
are at the door)
Right.
Well. Can she open the door?
(More noises outside.)
DOCTOR
Miss Trainer? (Louder) Miss
Trainer? Hang it all, (gets keys out of
his pocket and unlocks the door.) It's locked again.
ALLEN
But
I thought you-
DOCTOR
(Loud
crashing noise)
HIT THE DECK! SHE'S DOING THE POLE VAULT!
(They both leap in the air. BLACK OUT.
THE END.)